Thursday, 30 October 2008

A River in Egypt

Things really have gone very low. Far too low that i haven't done anything about it. It's been probably 3 almost 4 weeks since my mood started to drop and since then, epecially in the last 2 weeks i've 2 days where i haven't been able to function at all. Forget not being bothered to do things, I literally couldn't.

The first day was a Saturday so mum was around. I'd practically run out of clean clothes and had planned the day before to do some washing but by saturday i was curled up on the sofa almost sleep. The nausea was bad again and i just couldn't find it in me to even move a muscle let alone sit up. I just lay there in silence, even the TV was too much to take in. I forced down some food at lunch; a slice of bread, some quark and bits of salad, which i know will have disappointed mum but from my point of view i could have happily gone without that day, so i was trying.

Then the next week, mum and D went away for 3 days. Left on my own i knew i HAD to cope, as mum was worried enough leaving me normally let alone in the state i've been for the last few weeks. I spent those 3 days throwing all my energies into surviving, staying alive - mentally as well as physically, trying to live "normally". Spending over half each day at D's work, doing some data input, which i know he was grateful for as it would have built up to a huge pile whilst he was away. I guess its no surprise though that i'm feeling the comeback from those few days a week later. Having put on a front for those days and used to much energy and effort, i crashed again in a big way Tuesday.

I made it up, out of bed and had some porridge for breakfast. Went outside to pull up some carrots because at dinner time it could be dark. I even made it into the shower to warm up after going outside. But after getting out of the shower that was where i stopped. I literally came to a halt. It was 11am and i suddenly felt overwhemlingly exhausted, as though a ton weight had landed on me and was crushing me. I managed to get as far as putting underwear on before curling up on my bed and laying down. I could feel the nausea setting in again, so stumbled down stairs in a dressing gown to find the domperidone. Once back upstairs again, i lay back down and fell asleep for 45 minutes until 12.15pm. I stayed there pretty much all afternoon until D got home. Dinner was a battle. I really didn't feel like anything, so tried to pick things that might appeal even if they were strange in combination. A Jacket potato (nice and plain), some frozen peas, some grated low fat cheese and 1/2 a steamed courgette. I got to the end eventually.

Yesterday was better, although my nurse phoned me to say she was running late, but if i was really desperate she would see me for a shorter session. The thought of concentrating to drive for 30 minutes to get myself there was filling me with dread as it was but then to do that for a 30 minute appointment and then try and make it the 30 minutes home again, just didn't appeal or seem sensible. However i did confess to her that things weren't going well. I could have easily slept all day again but instead i forced down a couple of pieces of fruit for lunch and put a piece of bread in foil to take with me to D's work. Although the nausea had gone, my appetite had in no way returned. I doubt i got half the amount done in the time i normally would, but at least with people around me i couldn't give in and let the black hole swallow me, but the worry now is that i shouldn't have tried to keep going and used the little energy i had.

It was Mum and D's wedding anniversary yesterday and they were going out for dinner, which meant dining alone. Again working out what to have was tiring. I wanted something in the way of carbs but another jacket potato didn't appeal. I did want homemade coleslaw, so made a batch enough for 2 meals and grated the last of the low fat cheese into one half for my meal. Whilst making that i came to a decision that i'd have some Ebly, chewy and comforting as well an non calorie worrying. A 60g serving is 206kcal and i only had 50g anyway, with 50kcal from the cheese then the coleslaw with Hellmans Extra light mayo (12kcal per 16g tablespoon). My mind could stop stressing. Althoug i could have afforded to eat a bit more, as my weight had dropped to 5 and a half yesterday morning.

Tonight i was supposed to be cooking for Mum and D, my anniversary gift to them. But my decision in the main course has changed half a dozen times and i just don't feel i have the mental strength to do it. The main present was a fruit tower/cone using floral oasis, a bit like topiary, which i was going to serve with 3 dips, melted dark chocolate, melted milk chocolate and a vanilla yoghurt. I've not told mum what i'm doing but i mentioned how i feel and that i'd rather concentrate on pudding, which means getting myself together and going to buy the fruit and yogurt this morning. At least its something i can do sitting down.

Just from typing this i feel shattered even though i'm only moving from the wrists down to my finger tips, laying in bed. Maybe a cup of tea will wake me up a bit, although i'm not holding my breath, going by the past 2 days.

When i can't do anything but sleep, when my brain can't focus or function and when i don't want a thing to eat when i should be hungry as i haven't eaten a thing, i should know things are really bad. I thought about going to see my GP when i first started slipping but the day of my appointment she was running late and i had to get back to work, so it was the perfect excuse to cancel. Now, i keep telling myself i've hit the alltime low, things should be on the way back up. There's no point going for meds as by the time things kick in at least 2 weeks down the line it will have passed and i'll be ok again.

What was the name of that river in Egypt again?

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