Thursday, 11 December 2008

That Downwards Spiral

5 weeks since my last post - kind of says it all really. I'm on that helter skelter, going round and round and down and down. But like the Helter Skelter on Brighton pier (which is on the edge of the pier and overlooks the sea) i'm not really enjoying it. Part of me is - the ED. It couldn't be happier that i'm losing weight and would quite happily continue. However my physical body is exhausted and so is my sensible brain. My body isn't sure how much longer it can carry on, it's fighting a cold which i've had for about 10 days now, the lack of muscle tissue is starting to show again and of course there the thoughts of osteoperosis and infertility as per usual. Its been over 2 years now since my body showed feminine ways and i know the longer that goes on, the worse the prospects are. Although its hard to be concerned about that when you don't even have any friends, let alone boyfriends, partners or husbands then having children really doesn't become a priority. I have been thinking about why i'm wanting to lose more weight and what i can do to find the motivation and inspiration to gain weight, or a least find a reason to stop losing weight. Health implication obviously don't work. My lack of respect for myself (which reason came out yesterday during a day of major struggles) make long term health implications seems completely pointless. Family - well i'm alive so my ED sees no issues there, sure i don't like fading before their eyes but compared to previous years, i'm not hospitalised, having blood transfusions etc etc. Although apparently my grandfather is convinced i'm seriously ill again (not just the ED) and thats why we're not going down to the until the 27th and not on Xmas day. I think thats also something that doesn't help - the fact that my family doesn't see me as seriously ill. In anorexia terms i have a BMI of 13.9 and should probably be hospitalised. I know my ED nurse has told me previously that you'd barely be allowed off bed rest if I were an inpatient at this rate! And so to my ED Nurse, M. She's lovely, kind, gentle and covers a huge area of about 3 counties all on her own. I don't look forwards to seeing her at all these days, and i think her weighing me each week is actually fueling my drive to lose more weight. ED is telling me i should be losing more weight, after all i'm seeing an ED nurse so there for i should have an ED and to the ED gaining weight means you don't have anorexia. So i wonder if she stops weighing me whether that pressure of having someone know that my weight is going up or at the other end of the scale (no pun intended!) whether i won't feel i have to lose more weigh to prove i'm still anorexic. I've found a blog thats feels very relevant recently by Lola Snow, called Marine Snow. she is currently experiencing one of my reasons for not going back on meds - side effects. Now i know not everyone experiences them but it just adds to my list of reasons and strengths the Anti meds side of the list. Well i've run out of mental steam, maybe i'll find some again soon. At least now i can actually function rather than just curl up in a ball and sleep through the worst of the depression.

1 people had something to say about this:

Lola Snow said...

Thanks for the ping, I just wish it was for a happier post, but then where is the happiness when an ED is commanding your every mood. Hang in there, there is nothing more I can say.

Lola x

 
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