Friday, 17 October 2008

Too tired to breathe

I thought i'd this now while i can. things are going further down hill. the balck demons have got a firm grasp and are dragging me into the black hole. i'm tired. even breathing feels like an effort. yesterday i just wanted to curl up in bed and lay there in silence, but i forced myself to go out into town for an hour, and then into D's work for the comfort of being around people and a little feeling of safety.

i can't go on pretending anymore though. i can't hide it. i walk around town like a zombie, i drive just going through the motions, i don't even sing along to the radio. the only time i cry is if someone asks me if i'm ok, when i fight the tears but they just happen, almost like relief and finally being able to show the dark place i'm in.

my appetite is almost gone, i honestly don't feel hungry which is a great excuse for the anorexia. this morning even the scales didn't seem to matter, that really shows me how low i feel. i eat what and when i feel like it during the day. if that means breakfast at 10am i don't care, my sensible, logical side knows i need to eat even if it is only the minimum i would have when restricting - at least i don't have the fear of overeating. mid afternoon yesterday i took a break at D's work after his manager asked me if i was ok and the tears started flowing again, i walked to the shop to get something mum had mentioned seeing and whilst there picked up a pomegrante. i knew it would be messy to eat and awkward at the office but i saw it and almost wanted it - that almost meant i knew i had to go with it there and then, because later on i might struggle to eat at all.

when mum got home she asked if we needed to go and sit and talk (she phoned d at work and i spoke to her, confessing i wasn't doing great), my reply - "Not really, i feel like crap. thats all there is to it" Is that the truth? something tells me i should have said more but what more is there to say? i think her expectations of an answer are driving me to look for one when there isn't one. Does there need to be a reason? does the have to be a reason?

as for today.........i just want to stay here again, the safety, warmth and comfort of my bed. my head feels so heavy like its about to fall off my neck. i know from yesterday that in an hour time when they've gone to work and i'm alone i will sink even lower, not wanting to do anything, even use the laptop or watch TV, which is why i know i should type this now and try and get something of how i feel down and out of me.

will i do anything today? depsite no clouds in the sky i really don't have the strength to go down to the farm. i think i'll go into d's work instead, issue there is if i go in early i need to take some kind of lunch, and risk seeing people while eating. Food gets in the way once more.

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