Wednesday, 17 September 2008

I've found it............

I know, it's far too early on in the journey of this blog to say I've found Sanity, and to be totally truthful although though it made be feel better and i enjoyed it, the eating disorder took over in the end and ruined it. In fact a lot of it was the eating disorder anyway.

I spend yesterday baking. I was going to take into D's work today when i go in this afternoon to help him out with a boring task that is running out of time to be done. Hopefully i'll get more done this time so long as there isn't another fire drill! Anyway, it was an experimental recipe, but not experimental as in 'i made it up', more the ingredients used. It made really easily aand baked nicely too but the final product just wasn't nice enough to be served.

After making it i allowed myself to try a small square, knowing full well that the recipe stated it was 176 a square (maybe slightly less as i'd used margarine not butter and had substituted half of the sugar for sweetner) which is far from anything i'd normally allow myself. Most days breakfast isn't that many calories! The sponge was nice and moist with a lovely flavour and the raisins that were in it plump and juicy (dried fruit is something i would say in my mind is a vice of mine, i can't resist it) but the other main ingredient was very very bitter despite the sweetness of the sponge. I decided to leave it for M and D to try some later, and after much convincing M that she wasn't going to hurt my feelings, she admitted it wasn't all that nice and that she too still had a bitter aftertaste in her mouth. She wasn't going to hurt my feelings, it wasn't nice - i told her that from the start! And in fact she would probably have helped me more if she had said outright so that i could have got D to put it out on the bird table when he was outside after dinner. But no. She had to wait until they had oth gone upstairs so i was left alone with the damn cake.

I just couldn't stop myself. I picked out all the raisins and picked off bits of the sponge that didn't have any of the bitterness. I have so little self control. All i have to do was break the squares up a bit more and put them out side, but instead i probably ate 2 squares worth of sponge and raisins. Fortunately the sponge had so many chunks of the bitter ingredient that the sponge was thinly distributed around it, and when it had stuck to it too it meant i couldn't get of hold as much. Finally then M came downstairs so i had to stop. I just wish i had more self control and discipline, it used to be such a strength of mine. Whats worse is today i know she might open a new box of cereal which will contain LOADS of raisins - which i really really love but are just far too high in calories for me right now.

Thing is i really enjoy the baking process, i have such fun, i love creating and i know it some thing i'm good at. Last week i made a couple of batches of muffins to take with me to D's work. They were healthily adapted (apparently most of his office are on a diet) and still warm when i got there. Everyone loved them! I'd love to try and make beetroot muffins but I'm too scared i'll like them and eat too many - in fact eating one would be wrong.

See despite the above, the sensible part of my brain knows my BMI is still under 15 and that i could do with gaining at least another stone and even then i think i'd still be classed as underweight, but then the eating disorder pipes up again "But you've already gained 3/4 of a stone - thats plenty thank you very much!"

And i do like the way i feel now. i don't feel too fat, or too skinny as i did when i was at my lowest weight but then i think i have finally lost all perspective on how i look. It used to be i could see the skinny person but then it changed so i only saw it when i looked in the mirror and at photos, yet when i looked down at my body i saw "normal". More recently i've seen "normal" in the mirror too, yet the photos still showed me the truth. I thought this was due to the fact i'd gained weight, but i've lost weight again since then so how can this be? Now i don't even ssee it in the photos and as i haven't gained any weight, i question if this is really the truth i see. Has the anorexia finally got a solid grip on my brain?

So there we are sanity is in baking; creating, making people happy and feeding other (trying hard not to feed myself along the way). However the madness return as soon as the timer goes and the baking it over, and once again the battle resumes itself.

Looks like a hard day ahead of restricting and compensating for yesterday. To make it worse it's weigh day too i can only pray that my 4 hours work at the farm over the last few days and the fact that dinner was lighter in calories (large stuffed marrow with ratatouiile and 120kcal of Feta and a mandarin for pudding) will help me. See there we go, back with the eating disorder again.
How do i convince myself i'm underweight? how do i let myself eat again?

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