Tuesday, 23 September 2008

J - Father figure or Fancy?

I don't know what it is about him. I don't know how i feel about him. When he speaks to me i feel safe and warm inside. I trust him. Maybe its because he calls me J**, not J**** as i introduce myself or J******* like my family call me.

But do i feel happy and safe because i fancy him? i don't think so, i think it goes back to the same old issue of a father figure. Its exactly the same feeling i got with M, again old enough to be my father (although i'm not sure J is, probably technically he is). Maybe i wish J was an older brother, like T at school. Mum always wanted T and i to get together as a couple, but the bond we had wasn't that kind, it really was more like brotherly/sisterly love.

But why when i feel safe, did i burst into tears in the car on the way home? Is it that i can't handle him being so nice to me? Is it that i feel like i'm lying to him because he doesn't know my story?

why can't i understand my emotions and feelings regarding others?

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