Wednesday, 17 December 2008

So i saw my nurse today. she agreed to give the 'No weigh' approach a go. she asked me if i would know if i was losing or gaining, i said i would from my clothes, she said she didn't think she would be able to tell by looking at me. anyway i banished my scales to the bottom of my wardrboe under piles of things and there's so much stuff on my floor it's almost impossible to get the doors of the wardrobe open as well!

I was honest with mum and told her the rough plan of action. as ever with the "helpful" comments her first remark about the scales was "how long are they going to stay there for?!" as if to say 'you won't last 24 hours'.... Yes, i'm scared sh1tless. but tomorrow i want to start 2009 early. a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year.

Thats the theory anyway. Will i stick with my intentions of getting back to 3 meals a day? to be honest even if they aren't true meals and what a normal person would class as a meal i don't care right now. i just need to get some structure back and have 3 set times for eating. dinner is no problem as mum and D are around but brekkie and lunch........ As for the content of my meals i don't know if the no weigh approach is going to worry me too much that i will restrict more. guess there's only one way to find out.

D's going out tomorrow night. i have been trying to for somewhere for mum and i to go. i really want to try and eat out and show her i'm trying.

i don't want to try. i'd quite happily keep losing weight but with a BMI of (not sure if i should say) i know physically i can't afford to but my head is so screwed up because i've not collapsed fainted etc etc part of my brain says i'm ok to keep losing.

M (my nurse) was right. when you are out of the food environment/situation its so easy to sit and talk rationally about it all, yet as soon as you're in the kitchen or its a meal time etc that rationality vanishes. as long as i don't lose control like the cereal bar incident the other day i don't care. i really don't want to go from anorexia to bulimia.

i guess a big reason i'm scared is because with out the ED i'm nothing. i have nothing. just depression. i suppose the ED takes the focus off the depression in a way. i don't really remember a time when i wasn't self harming, depressed or suicidal, so i guess i don't know what there will be without that. but with no job or friends then there's not much really.
i kind of feel right now that i have 4 reasons for living, aged 81, 79, 52 and 49 (diabetic with shorter life expectancy) and i feel like once those reasons are gone there really will be nothing, but it almost feels like i will be free and a pressure will be lifted because then i will have no more ties to life. Basically i'm living just waiting for the day to come when i can die. ridiculous really as that probably won't be for another 30 years! and with so much having happened in the last 10 years goodness knows what will ocur in the next 30! you never know i may be married with kids by then. certainly doesn't seem that likely right now but you never know.

anyway i'm starting to stress over having eating far more today than the previous days, i'm about to start crying, i'm tired and when i'm tired i get so emotional. perhaps i need to think about some kind of sleeping aid again. *sigh*

1 people had something to say about this:

Lola Snow said...

Consider this a gentle "Are you ok" comment, and a big hug.

Lola x

 
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