Wednesday, 11 August 2010


my thoughts are slipping away from me and the black clouds are creeping in. I cried so much yesterday that i barely shed a tear when i saw J 45 minutes ago.

Yesterday is a blur of tears, clouded over by mold dissociation where i struggled to focus to drive to the gym at the end of the day, with the only control over my mind being brought about by harm. When that amount of damage doesn't hurt, i know it's time to be concerned.

Today is clear and i feel awake but totally numb, the tears shed this afternoon are nothing in comparison to yesterday.

I'm not sure which is preferable - the severe distress of yesterday or the numbness of today.

The words i spoke to J felt cold and rational, in total contradiction to the content of those sentences about losing control & nose diving in mood. Even talking to her couldn't bring me back to normality or find me some comfort. Another sign i need to watch out.

I think i kept it inside for too long. Holding things together & keeping them to yourself doesn't protect people in the long run.

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