Monday, 20 September 2010


It hurts. Maybe my online buddy was right. Maybe i shouldn't have applied. Maybe applying for a job at my doctors is going to hurt more than any others.

K didn't seem to agree & maybe she's right. Afterall this is the first rejection - at least the first i've got to hear of. The first application before the one for my surgery, i still haven't heard from - that was about a month ago.

Even seeing K these days gets me in a emotional mess state. After a meeting with her i still leave crying, and there was nothing deep and meaningful discussed. Just my worries about uncertainties about the future and what it may hold, now that i'm trying to make changes again. Leg injuries/issues which are still not sorted. My attempt at volunteering and why i feel too scared/anxious to go back - even though nothing went wrong in the slightest (other than blisters) & the goings on the TP, Dr L and psychology.

She said that the practice manager had shown her my application.

"It was a good application. Just keep trying"

I'm guessing from that comment that i didn't get an interview etc.

I'm not sure i want to see K anymore. I don't really want to se anyone. Its probably because everytime i think/talk about whats really going on in my head, i just get more upset. It varies to different degrees of distress depending who the person is and how hard they delve inside my mind.

In general right now though i want to ignore all the shit & low mood & anxiety as much as i can. I can go to the gym & work my butt off, not have to talk to anyone & just ignore how much i hate myself, how much i screwed up in the past, how scared i am of history repeating itself.

Thats another thing K challenged me on. The corrolation between types of jobs & how long i've lasted. In a full time stressful job with a bitch of a boss (she was a bitch to everyone but those higher or equal to her), after 2 months i drove my car down a hill into a ditch, with a very lucky escape - that was 5 years ago last week. In a very quiet, lonely office with little stimulation after a few months i was sectioned after a very dangerous harming episode where actually if K hadn't responded to my terrified phone call, and got me an ambulance i doubt i would be here today. In fact a nurse at the hospital told me most people's bodies wouldn't have survived that.

As K put it though,

"Thats like saying the number of babies born in denmark increased, there for the number of storks increased"

The effect was not necessarily caused by the job satisfaction basically. And that i need to put those fears aside and let go of that association, because as K said there have been many incidents, sectionings and hospitalisations without a job being involved.

I just want to get a job, settle in, keep running/training & going to the gym. Keep up the volunteering, work permitting. And everything will be ok....................

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