Friday, 29 October 2010

Eating Out & Distraction

Its mum & D's anniversary today & mum wouldn't shut up about me not going out to dinner with them. So to keep her quiet (as usual) i relented and went. Now i severely wish i hadn't.

It started fine, but then D ordered a started and expected me to share it. It was 5 chunks of bread with oil, vinegar and salt for dipping. I said i didn't want a started but he kept offering it to me. I hate myself for it but i gave in. I only had the equivelent to about a large slice of bread, a bit of the vinegar and some salt. So i'd safe certainly no more than 200 kcal tops.

As a main i'd order a starter portion anyway, but as i was eating in all i could think was "the fat in this goats cheese" & "the oil in these dressings". Plus the rectangle of polenta had been fried, shallow not deep i think, but still greasy. And the veg had been oiled before roasting too. Why can't people cook anything without oil thesedays?

Then what really got me all over the place, was i saw Susie. Thankfully she was there with friends who weren't work collegues, so there wasn't anyone else who might have recognised me. My intention was to order a starter and then maybe have pudding later. But as soon as i saw her I didn't want to eat another thing. I felt so self conscious. Part of me wanted her to see me in heels, tight jeans and a lowish cut top rather than the state she normally sees me in when i need to see her. But all of a sudden i just wanted to get out of there. I didn't want pudding & luckily there wasn't anything i really fancied, but i didn't want to sit and linger like mum & D were either.

I was so distracted after i'm seen her. I don't know why. She knows me well, we get on, i trust her - she's totally lovely. So why did i freak out?

Food should have been too much of a worry. So far i'd had junst under 1000 kcal, so still had about the same again to go. Plus i'd been for a run before lunch which including the warm up & cool down too burnt 370 kcal according to my HRM. So even after the bread i still had 800 at least to go. Yet i couldn't eat anything more after my starter - which was my main course and i still can't now i'm home.

I don't want to eat out again. The way i felt after, the stress..... I came home and immediately changed into my PJs, i wiped the mascara, a rare bit of make-up, that i had applied. I needed to be be back in something where i couldn't feel the waistband digging into the flabby tyre around my waist and making the scars on my stomach so irritated that i just want to scratch and scratch. I didn't want to be in my own body or skin really.

I need to lose the tyre, yet still can't seem to. Powerplate, weights, running - nothing is working. I've given up on the metabolism-boosting-normal-amount-of-calories eating, and it's back to under 1200 if i can but certainly under 1500. Only 5 days until the london ED clinic now, hoping i get to seen the dietician on that day too.

Focusing on one thing really is an issue right now - 2 hours after starting this post i'm going to actually hit "publish post".

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