Thursday, 16 September 2010

So angry, so upset. Could easily harm even though mum & D are home, but thanks to a great online friend and her words of wisdom, i am going to ignore this other persons ignorance and focus on what i have achieved this morning.
Conversation below has been edited to remove non relevant subject matter - actually i have trying to help her find a makeover party for her daughter - my step/half sister. Yes the conversation was with my dad's wife (she never has been and never will be known as my step-mother). Plus also to remove specific details of my achievements which might give my identity away.

Her: Hi, voluntary work with disabled and animals, how fantastic, being with the animals, and helping people that really need you as well! Rewarding and worthwhile xx

Me: so long as i have the confidence to stick with it yes.

Her: Why do you need confidence, the people that are participating just want to be able to enjoy themselves doing something that they can't otherwise do!!

Me: Given that for the last 2 weeks i have barely left the house again, going to a new group of people is a major thing

Her: Sorry, I didn't know!


Her: off now, and don't forget, it's the people that are riding that are important not how you feel, you are just the person enabling them to do it. It is a big thing in their lives, it must be awful to be disabled!
Me: its not a song and dance having to see a shrink constantly either
Her: No I'm sure, but at least you can get yourself out of bed and walk around, some of these people can't even do that. I just can't imagine knowing about all the pleasurable things that are out in the world but having to rely on someone else all the time to even get out in the garden!

I wanted to reply with how at my worst, i haven't been able to get out of bed. When i was at my lowest weight i shouldn't have been walking around and didn't often have the energy. A few weeks ago i was dissociating and losing time (fortunately not to the extent that some of other dear fellow bloggers are struggling with) and hiding at home, not even venturing outside the front or back doors. Until the last couple of weeks i haven't thought about anything about life being pleasurable and even now I'm being taken to Italy by mum not because i want to go, but to stop her nagging about when we were going. Ditto that for a Christmas market, although she seems to have forgotten about that one for now. Other than the gym, this is the first thing i have done that i might enjoy (as well as helping others), my challenge of reading a book is proving just as hard.

I'm going no further with this post before i wind myself up again and forget the fact that:
  • i got up and out of the house by 8.30am this morning,
  • drove to a new place,
  • met people I'd never met before,
  • did a task I've never done before,
  • worked with disabled youngsters who can be challenging and/or non-responsive/communicative. (I really wasn't sure how to act, think it will take a while to relax with that one. It seemed easier when i was a teenager & worked with kids with severe learning difficulties!)
  • worked with animals that stir a lot of very strong emotions in me because of wonderful memories that i miss greatly.
But i shall return. I over heard them talking about someone who they were going to ask not to come back & help because she was unreliable - that will NOT be me. I may be many (screwed up) things but most of all i hate being unreliable!

2 people had something to say about this:

Danni said...

I can only speak for myself here, but from my experience being mentally ill is a lot harder to cope with than being physically disabled.

I was depressed for about 12 years until April (it seems to have gone on holiday- I'm hoping it'll stay there). A lot of that time I couldn't get out of bed without being persuaded to, and I didn't want to do a lot of things, and just wanted to be dead.

I've been physically disabled since last year (dunno what it is yet), and have to use a wheelchair to travel further than about the bus stop (and that's on good days- on bad days I can't walk at all). Even though I'm reliant on my husband to take me out, get my food, help me get dressed and stuff, it is a lot easier to deal with than the depression was. I have the motivation to get out of bed, and even if I need help getting out of it at least the will is there. In many ways the world finds it a lot easier to deal with physical disability, and though things aren't perfect I can do most of the things I want to do. The only thing I really miss is bouncing.

*squish* I really hope things get better for you soon.

Susie said...

Thank you for the comment, i'm sorry for the delay but i have been thinking so long and hard about this.

It was wonderful to get a comment from someone who can se things from both sides.

thank you.

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