Thursday, 4 March 2010

A safe place.

I don't care if it seems babyish or childlike, but i think every now and then human beings need cuddles. Not romantic cuddles, not parent/child cuddles, not patronising sympathy cuddles. Just someone to hold them, help them block out the word & protect them from everyone and everything outside.

I want to create a bubble around me and my protector. I imagine 3 layers/barriers - a humans arms around me, inside the imaginary bubble and inside a room (with the door closed). No words need to be spoken.

It doesn't have to last for long. I'm not asking for this forever. Everyone has their own ideal escape from the world, to re balance to mind.

For me, at the moment, i feel like i am being attacked & pressured from all sides. Everywhere i turn there is something/someone else out to get me. I just want a safe place, a space to let out everything I'm holding inside me.

Yesterday, there was only one semi permeable barrier while i sat and sobbed. There were four walls but the doors could be opened by anyone at any time.

I can't turn to mum. I can't let her see how much things are on top of me right now. But without anyone else to turn to without a) the fear of being turned away or b) feeling like i am putting too much onto someone i don't know well enough, then i fear i am running the risk of building up the pressure to a level where the release comes at a point when i lose control.

I can see two situations, one that i doubt will ever happen and another that may be possible, but i worry i would scare her off by clinging on so tightly. As is always the case though its the impossible that i would prefer.

This isn't coming out as i would like. My brain is too tired and drained to find the right words & express them as i am really feeling. I think i also have a fear of judgement. If i admit the exact details of what i wish for, i will be confirming things that people may think about me, that i don't believe to be true. That my wish for a little comfort is a disorder not a symptom of an illness.

2 people had something to say about this:

Tiger said...

Ah, Susie. I know all too well the cuddles which you pine for. I wish I could send you one of the two boys I turn to in such a situation, only modified, for you.

Susie said...

Tiger, there are few guys i've ever been comfortable with hugging, and i guess that comes with not having a close male relative who hugged me lots as a child. And i certainly wouldn't want anything intimate with someone my own age. So if you could turn those boys into females - then i wouldn't turn down your offer!

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