Tuesday, 2 March 2010

He even had a hat! - "Terry Pratchett"

Today's meeting wasn't quite as bad as expected - although maybe it is better to work yourself up into a frenzy, get a very bad night's sleep the night before, go to the gym the next morning spend an hour in the gym (including 30 intensive minutes in the cross trainer) - half kill yourself (due to the fact of a lingering, so far, week long chesty cough/cold and therefore not having done anything thing other than a half hour stroll for the past 4 days), then do a pilates class & have a breakdown in the car on the way home (it really isn't advisable to drive whilst trying to avoid potholes, peering through a torrent of tears). Perhaps by doing the previous it makes the actual event seem less awful.
So after waiting 10 minutes Dr L marches in on her mobile, pausing to announce to the receptionist that she has a room booked, then carrying on her phone call as she proceeds to enter the designated room. Following behind is Terry - Terry Pratchett. Only after spending an hour in a room with him sat next to me in the circle, did the likeness occur to me. There is a slight physical resemblance (although sturdier in stature), the softness of his speech (I'm hoping that wasn't simply for the benefit of not scaring me off for good, after today's introduction) and there was even a very similar style hat to complete the look. On looking for a suitable photo, i have however, discovered that the real Terry Pratchett is bald on top -My Terry isn't.
After another 10 minutes, presumably for Dr L to finish her phone call, either that or it took them that long to put 5 chairs in a circle, we were called in. I ended up sandwiched between Terry and mum. The floor seemed a very attractive and my gaze stayed focused there for most of the hour, at least certainly when i had my glasses on. A black cat worked it's way from the floor outside up onto the patio table, then onto the brick wall, running along the wall not caring in the slightest about the trees in its path. How i wished that cat would come and rub itself around my ankles, giving me some comfort in the room, which felt too open and exposed.

The tears started when mum mentioned our brief discussions between us at home. I kind of knew she would mention it & i should have been prepared, however i had forgotten to take the tissues that i had remembered to bring with me, out of my bag. Before she had managed to get 2 words out, i stood up and retrieved the tissues from my bag in the seat behind me. From then on looking elsewhere other than the floor was not a problem, seeing as i could no longer see any ones facial features. I could no longer feel their eyes boring into me, laying heavily, rummaging around trying to reach into my inner thoughts.

I realised when i got home though, that the way mum's words came across, weren't exactly how i feel. Mum described our conversation about the fact that if she wasn't alive, i wouldn't be either. The way i felt it came across was that i am living because of mum & because i couldn't bare to be without her. I'm not saying i couldn't bare to be without her, and yes it probably would be another reason for me to leave this mortal earth. However i feel i am living FOR mum. If i died it would break her heart, and that's what i don't want to do. Maybe mum didn't understand which point of view i was coming from?

D had a good go at laying into all the previous therapists/counsellors etc that I've seen. Describing how they delved into my past, looking for a cause and then soon after left the service/transferred somewhere else/went off sick - permanently, etc etc. At that point i was screaming & cheering inside;

"Go D! Go D! Go D!"

It felt nice to have somebody stand up for me and not just paint me as the, unsolvable, black sheep straightaway.

Terry seemed/said he was impressed how I'd got over (HaHaHa!!!) the anorexia. My reply to that was that i wasn't happy, which was why i was "living" at the gym at the moment. (Shhhhh..... don't tell anyone but the restriction is greater and i really pushed myself at the gym today, even though the cough is still there)

I've said I'll do whatever mum wants. I want to make her happy - or at least try. I've fucked up so much, it sounds like she sees my biological clock as ticking etc so basically if i had said no to Terry's suggestion of seeing him, i would have not been trying/letting people down etc etc.

Therapeutic Communities were mentioned. I think Terry sees one of the main problems as the extra strong emotional bond between mum & I. I think they see a TC as a way of cutting the apron strings. After a bit of googling tonight, it turns out Terry used to, or possibly still does, work at a TC in London. No wonder he's all in favour of it then!!

Anyway the outcome of today is that i will have a few/some (no specific number given) sessions with Terry and Dr L will keep an eye from a distance.

I must remember to make a point of making sure he understands my point of view with regards to me being alive and mum's existence. I was rather impressed that he asked my permission to contact my last psychotherapist, who i got on very well with. I know this previous guy will give me fair representation. I always felt like he understood me and he always seemed to get genuinely infuriated by tales i would tell him or remarks people had said. He was on my side. I hope Terry will be too.

Mum & D are out tonight - i hope mum's managed to forget about me, stop worrying about me at least for a couple of hours. I know she was worried about how I'd be after the meeting this afternoon - but playing dumb to an annoying sales call was a good way to play the evil sadistic bitch just a minute ago gave me a good laugh. I'm not the harming, reactive teenager anymore. I don't overdose because psychiatrists upset me, like i did when i was 15. I may not be happy but that don't mean I'm going to harm myself at the first chance i get to be alone.

Besides i need to rest tonight before a mammoth gym effort tomorrow. 2 classes with a 2 hour gap in the middle during which the plan is stamina not an all out workout, like today. Some sleep would be nice tonight too.

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