Saturday, 27 March 2010

Day 1 of the Visitors

I was doing fine. I managed to cope at lunch with simply leaving the chips that came with me sandwich and salad, without feeling the need to eat them simply because they were there.

We walked around a town, near a castle - so a little bit of exercise.

But then we got home. I got through the door first and i knew as soon as i saw the envelope, what it would contain. The wonderful stress causing DWP. It seems its time to check whether i'm screwed up enough again.

But i'm fat not a skeleton now, i haven't harmed cut in about a month and i'm going out every day.

Ok, so i'm running myself into the ground until i'm shattered and fall asleep in the afternoons, i'm just as stressed by eating & food as ever. I stick to the same routine, i'm pretty close to breaking point, trying my hardest to hold it together for mum.

However i'm not seeing my GP, avoiding the surgery completely (honestly, i don't need to waste their time - i'm not dying) & haven't seen my ED nurse in about 4 weeks (am too big to really be seeing her anyway, i mean could you really say i have an ED anymore?). I'm avoiding Dr L - not that she's asked to see me. I due to see a psychologist - once i send their stupid form off.

So am i still fucked up enough? Will my mini breakdown last november count? Or do i have to attempt to work before depression and stress really kicks in again, cutting short my brief period of (kind of) stability and then go through their shitty stressful system again, being even more broke than i already am. Without mum & D i could not afford to live, but then without them i wouldn't want to live.

This letter/form feels like the excuse i've been waiting for. I just need to make sure i stay in relative control.

2 people had something to say about this:

Bippidee said...

What is the form? Is it a letter for a medical assessment or something?

You size is irrelevant with regards to your ED. You can absolutely have an ED even though you are bigger than you used to be. I would definitely say that you have an ED - you have all the ED thoughts and feelings, you restrict your intake, and you overexercise, which is a form of purging. Sounds like an ED to me.

You appear to have done a strike through on almost your entire blog btw.

Take care
xxx

Susie said...

Wow thats impressive - even the right hand coloumn has a strike through all the way down! lol! Thats what happens when you are trying to type an anonymous blog that you don't want anyone to see - when there are 3 other people in the room. One being a nosy relative sitting right next to you!!

The form is like the one when you first apply for benefits, a purple one which mainly asks you about any physical illness/disability and then gives you one pathetic small box to describe your mental health issues. I plan to get M to help me with it i think. I trust her.

Off too correct the strikethrough issue & do the short post i was intending to do!

xx

 
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