Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Ghosts from the past

I was doing fine. I'd managed to make an effort with clothes, jewelery & make-up. I finally decided on ordering a starter but as a main course portion, but in fairness the menu was huge and we were handed 3 separate bits of paper to attempt to decide from, most of which was meat. In fact there was no lighter option so i think i did quite well. I'd even managed to enjoy a small pudding too, although 2 tough gym classes, a walk into town to get some space and time out in between, and then an afternoon of depression & nothingness and an hours sleep meant few enough calories consumed to be able to relax about going out tonight to eat.

I'd actually managed to make it through the evening without it feeling like a forced happiness where i have to go to the ladies to have a quick cry.

Almost made it out of the door, but then you walked in. I'm pretty sure you didn't see me, but i never forget a face, especially one i spent a few months basically living with.

The psych ward 2004 once i'd worked my way back up from the PICU. When you arrived you were a psychotic bitch who refused to talk to anyone, not because you were too depressed or anything, but the psychosis turned to you into a super bitch who was far too high & mighty to talk to anyone. After being dosed up on whatever anti psychotics Dr L decided to put you on, you changed. No longer 'super bitch' just simply 'bitch'. You were at least talking to people once you were well, but just talking to them like they were imbeciles & you were far better than them. Like when you told me that the show jumping on TV was easy & how could i ever know what jumping six foot was like if i had never jumped that high. All i said was that it was amazing how they never fell forwards when the horse landed, and that i didn't think i could do it.

I spent 4 months longer in that hospital than you did, you have no idea what it was like on the PICU & i expect you would have been beaten to a pulp had you acted that way if you were on the PICU. You had enough trouble with the lovely pregnant psychotic eastern european girl who spoke no english. She never faced up to me but then i was the one trying to distract her from your threatening stares. I've seen her since with her baby, completely healthy & doting mother. Tonight your eyes were stone cold, as though nothing had changed. Like me though you were still with your parents.

It brought back so many memories & now they won't go away. No doubt i'm in for a night of hellish dreams/nightmares too no matter how tired & exhausted i am.

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