Tuesday, 30 March 2010

"I'm just tired"

The title of this post is something i seem to be saying to mum constantly right now. Trying to reassure her that i'm not falling apart with the stress of the change of routine, no gym, no eating pattern etc etc. How convincing i am on the issue, i'm not sure.

Awake at 6 am, yet again for the 3rd day. Yesterday our visitors didn't surface until about 10am & in fact mum & D didn't get up until about 8am. So you can imagine my stress of trying to be the nice polite host, waiting for them, before having breakfast. I distracted myself as much as i could, laying the table, doing college work, having a shower & getting dressed etc, but while that may stop me from stuffing my face - as it was i managed to stick to fruit - it doensn't stop the stress. So then because we had breakfast at about 11am we didn't have lunch until about 3pm which meant my the time we got home we didn't eat dinner until 8pm & i was starving! So by 9pm we'd reached dessert. Now normally at 9pm i'm having a hot choc and settling down for bed, so you can see my anxiety. although by that time i was almost to tired to care & was rather reassured when i totted up my total, becuase i had only reached the calorie allowance for a bad day for me. So despite not being able to eat little & often like i normally do (which i think is part of why i'm getting so moody in the day), when i'm taking the strict healthier options (like lunch was a plain dry (smallish) jacket potato & salad (lettuce & cucumber) with a banana as i left the cafe) I'm still managing to stay within my allowed range (just).

Today - well, i've been up 35 minutes and not heard any signs of life & this morning my stress appetite got the better of me & i found myself eating some of the fruitcake i made. Not a huge amount, just 2 very thin slices, as thin as i could cut them, which meant they were so thin they crumbled & made a mess (over the tin luckily), but i felt like i could eat more, so i had a small pear which seems to have shut my stomach/appetite up. But cake & a pear by 6.30am isn't brilliant & who knows how much longer i will be up on my own for.

I was going to go for a run, but my knees really don't like running - i think i lasted all of 3 minutes on the treadmill the other day before wanting to cry in pain. And anyway its not like i'm sat on my arse constantly. If we're out we're walking around somewhere (yesterday was spent shopping in a city, & oh my god they can shop forever - we didn't leave until the shops were closing basically!), or if we're at home i'm generally washing up, tidying, cooking, helping mum etc. or walking around finding excuses because i'm too stressed to sit still. So its not like we totally inactive.

I do wish i could go back to sleep tho, i'm so tired. I might just curl up here on the sofa while there's no-one around yet.........

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