Wednesday, 7 January 2009

What happens next?

So what if these tablets DO make a difference? What then? Will i forget to care about what i look like? or what i weigh? Will it matter my hip bones disappear?

Am i then expected to work full time, get a social life and live "normally"? Do i need to start job hunting now, just incase they start to kick in soon?

Will i no longer be entitled to benefits? Because i'm happy enough to work.

If i get a job what do i do? I have 10 GCSEs, which although are all passes, are no-where near what they should be. I don't have a career in mind and even if i was happier i'm still not sure i would be happy about working around lots of people in retail for instance.

There is a large part of me that is praying they are not going to make a difference, because i'm scared or what i will become. I don't know whats lurking beneath ED, depression and self harm (which has occured more than twice in 48 hours recently) and i'm almost not sure i want to know. What is she's a complete cow? Stuck up, cocky, arogant - a complete bitch. What if she no longer wants to care for the people around her and becomes selfish in a different way?

And if i don't see a difference in the usual 14 days start-up period, how long do i give it? Maybe there'll be a part of me that keeps hoping that maybe the next day, or the day after that, or next week. But i suspect there will be a bigger part of me that says "See? i told you this was a waste of time!"

4 people had something to say about this:

Anonymous said...

This is your chance to start a new life. That's the way I see it. By going through the toughest battle of your life, the reward is a clean slate. You get to choose who to be, you get to decide what you want to keep and discard. You finally get a chance to be the amazing person that you have never had the opportunity to become. You are so much better than a scared angry shadow, and you have a serious amount going for you. Battle scars are not removable, but you should wear them with pride, because you are going to win.

It's hard to picture the hugeness of life when your life has been nothing by worry and weights for so long, but it is better on the other side, I just know it. I've had little glimpses and anything has got to be better than the hell you are living in.

Take the pills, and take baby steps to find out what you like, not what you feel you can have in conjunction with an ED

Lola x

Seeking Sanity said...

Thank you for your supportive comments Lola. As lovely as it will be i think a clean slate is a bit much to ask for. Sadly i still have nightmares involving past hospital admissions, doctors and events etc. I don't think i will ever be able to escape my past and the events, but i guess its more about finding the strength to wake up in the morning and push those memories aside.

I hope you are feeling better. Funnily my nurse said that its when people start to gain weight that they get sick with colds/flu because when you are underweight the body has so many defences up in your immune system to stop illness. Yet you'd think when you are underweight you'd be more susceptible.

I was thinking i should give myself a name. Seeking Sanity sounds far too unreal, and i would like to stay anonomous right now - unless its not, and there's no point me hiding behind another identity.

Does anything stand out so far that makes you think of a certain kind of name?


Anonymous said...

Nightmares get smaller, eventually. They definitely fade with time. And I can say for sure that they fade once your mood comes up. I get really low about my past when I am depressed, it haunts me in every direction, but once your mood picks up, those past actions become much more bearable.

As for a name? I'm not sure, I don't think I know you well enough to put a name to you, but you are very creative (very being very very) so I think you'll come up with something.

Lola x

Seeking Sanity said...

I do hope you're right Lola, especially tonight as i'm shattered due to being awake for what felt like most of last night. And then when i did sleep i dreamt dreams containing characters from my past.

I'll have to keep an open mind on the name i think. These things usually come to me on the spur of the moment - that moment when you are least expecting it of course.


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