Wednesday, 21 January 2009

A Miracle Cure?

Further to my tearful conversation this lunchtime with mum, i received this email during the afternoon:

"Try this for a suggestion - a 7 week plan.
You eat one meal that I have prepared in the first week (this includes meat but I will be gentle with you)
Week 2 you eat 2 meals
Week 3 you eat 3 meals
and so on until we get to week 7 but which time you are eating all meals the same as D and myself.
Don't come back with an immediate no - think about it until I get home please.
Love you
xx"

So there we go. If i agree to her plan, in 7 weeks my anorexia will be cured.

Other than i think she's being totally unrealistic with the time span, i don't like meat in texture or flavour really and the fact that her meals are so bland and boring, it's sounds like a great idea.......i don't think!

I knew i should have kept my mouth shut. Mum and I have been arguing since she got in from work and have gone to bed barely speaking. Not only that but i feel even lower than when i started today. My plans for tomorrow are not very positive either now. At the moment they consist of little food and lots of cold temperature and walking. Whether that will happen or whether i'll just curl up and cry all day, who knows. But i was so worked up this afternoon after the email, and despite being shattered after a stressful and emotional day, i still found the energy to walk down to the shop for a bottle of squash. It could have easily waited until tomorrow, but i just had to get out and walk.

On the up side, tonight after dinner (which of course wasn't up to mum's expectations) and i'd had my giant portion of melon, i then proceeded to have 2 extra mandarins. Now for me that extra 50 ish calories is a big deal. I didn't say anything to mum, but i doubt she even noticed. Even if she did, i don't think she could comprehend how much of a big deal something like that is for me right now, which is why i don't even bother mentioning these things. To her they are insignificant.

I've opened a door that i wish had been locked. Tonight i feel on the verge of suicidal again. I don't think i could describe myself as suicidal, because i'm not in a state where i would do anything quite that foolish, but i would prefer not to be living right now. Although i guess in some ways the way i am living my life right now is suicidal. Just in more of a longer term process.

Time to switch off for the night before i think myself into a state again.

5 people had something to say about this:

Lola Snow said...

***sighs***

If only it were that simple, huh? But you know it's not, and I know it's not, and the professionals know that it's not. What matters is that you spoke to her, and that she wants to help. People in our lives can be notoriously blinkered to what it is like to have an ED, but can you blame them? If by knowing they would also be feeling, sometimes I would prefer if my family knew less, because they have suffered so much. But it has brought me so much support, it's hard to regret now.

I'm not surprised you feel low at the moment, it's a harsh place to be in. When you have woven yourself a safety net, and then cut it yourself, that's not a great feeling. But those nets of safety are all false, and don't ever bring happiness, you are tied up tightly not wrapped up snugly.

You did the right thing Suzie Belle, however hard it is to believe that now, you did the only thing you could do. Keep the momentum going now though, and go and find out what to do next.

As for the extra calories? Good on you, that is never easy especially when you are feeling unsettled anyway, but as you well know, you will not gain weight from eating fruit, unless you intend to swallow an entire watermelon :)

Lola x

Susie said...

And even a whole watermelon would disappear from the scales swiftly once the water weight has passed.

Mum seems to have 'forgotten' her 'cure' since she spoke to M on thursday funnily, whether she mentioned it to her or not i don't know.

Lola Snow said...

Well that's good then. What happens next?

Lola x

Susie said...

who knows...

CPA in a couple of weeks. M, K, mum and probably D. just got to find the courage to go, providing nothing happens in the next 2 weeks.

Lola Snow said...

Sounds pretty intense, but I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Hang in there.

Lola x

 
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