Tuesday, 13 January 2009

First week of chemical "help"

I know i should expect anything in a week. Goodness knows i've been on enough anti-depressants to know that it takes a couple of week before i should expect any changes in mood (if there are any). In the last 8 years the list has included:

And now number 8 - Lofepramine. 8 drugs, in 8 years. Well, 6 years actually as i haven't been on anything for almost 2 years.

I think thats all the anti-depressants and thats not including the anti-psychotics, anti-anxieties and sleeping tablets.

I'm waiting not only for any signs of change/improvement in mood (which given that i woke up crying once again this morning doesn't seem to have happened) but also i'm on edge waiting for the side effects to appear. Dry Mouth - well i have been drinking constantly i realised but i thought that was just down to my anxieties over eating, or more specifically, over-eating (according to ED). Blurred vision and according to some websites, and my biggest fear by far, Weight Gain.

Knowing that a possible side effect is weight gain doesn't really to much to help me gain control over ED. I think i'm watching my weight and restricting even more just in case the meds to have side effects. I know i need to gain weight (i worked it out yesterday, at least i think i did. I think i'm 67% of my ideal body weight) but i'd rather it was gained under my control compared to the weight just sticking to me because of some kind of chemical interaction in my body. What they don't tell you anywhere of course is why people gain weight. Is it because they have an increased appetite and simply eat more? Or is is down to chemical changes because of the meds which cause some kind of reaction meaning your digestion and absorbtion processes change?

I put the 2nd repeat in last night online. My GP gave me 4 weeks worth of repeats, so i have to order it weekly. She obviously isn't that confident giving me a Tricyclic with my overdose history, but then if i were her i'd probably be covering my back too. Only 2 weeks until i see her again, when i guess she either up the dose or leave things as they are. i'm only on a basic starting dose so whether she's expecting major changes or not i don't know.

There's still that part of me though that wants to say "See, i told you it was a waste of time!" because i'm terrified of what's on the other side.

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