Monday, 19 January 2009

Dear Diary.....

Friday 16th January 2009

I feel so conflicted. Part of me says well done for getting through tonight and yes, the secreteating isn't the best of ways to get those extra calories but at *st *lb needs must, hey? This sensible side is also reminding me how many EXTRA calories you need to gain weight, and given that my meals have been restricted - i guess partly because i knew what could (and did) happen tonight - then i've probably still only made the normal daily female guidelines.

The other side is telling me i'm a fat cow who doesn't deserve to eat at all for the next week and that from tomorrow it's back to severe restriction and some serious exercise. Not that i feel i have the strength for that right now.

My appetite is so screwed up. Even after dinner, then snacking on leftovers, then fruit and cheese, the MORE cheese whilst tidying up and full fat blue cheese at that, i still feel like i could devour the rest of the cheese box.

I fought my fighting spirit tonight when mum mentioned my old cot in the loft as P and E announced they are expected a baby. mum suggested to me that they could have it.

"You're not going to use it are you?"
At which point the tears started
"i hope so, one day" i replied.
I do want to give you a grandchild, i want to make you proud. so long as i haven't completely f***ed up my body. Plus of course i need to find someone worthy enough of being a father.
We hugged and cried. I wished that we didn't have guests there and then so as we could have a proper sit down chat and talk and i could tell her how bad things really are. So i could lay my head in her lap whilst i cried my heart out and she stroked my hair. I wanted to tell her about the conversations with M about inpatient units, about the fact i've been back on anti-depressants for the last 10 days. About how i'm scared of how this battle with anorexia will end.
Will my body give out first? Or will they section me first? Because other than tonight I have felt no desire to gain weight despite knowing what a risky wieght i'm at. M said she had a girl go into multi-organ failure with a BMI of 16. My BMI is below 14 right now. But still all my exhausted brain is telling me at this moment is how i deserve never to eat again.

4 people had something to say about this:

Anonymous said...

Why don't you talk to her today instead? It would be a very good thing for you to talk about this to her Suzie. All of this worry and fear kept inside will not be helping you fight this. There is a part of you that wants more than this, but it has to be you that takes a step in the right direction. It sounds like you are in a living hell right now, and it can be so much better than this for you. I know thats hard to believe when you haven't got the positive feelings to back it up, but why would I make it up? I really think they can help you help yourself.

Lola x

Susie said...

I guess i should share some background, which may give you more of an idea why i'm still stuck in this place, which to me, compared to some years seems like a breeze.

i've been involved with psych services/counsellors since age 11, moving onto the CAMHS age 13, and antidepressants age 14. i've mentioned the various meds previously. but what i haven't mentioned yet is the hospital admissions, sections (which is about 3 or 4 occasions now), the (low) secure unit. So having been clear of an inpatient ward for 2 and a half years now, in someways i am doing well and this doesn't feel anywhere near as bad as constantly feeling suicidal and destructive.

i just can't bear (or is it bare?) to tell mum and admit the truth and break her once again.

Anonymous said...

That must be so hard to have all that past to deal with, I guess moving on for you would mean a great deal of facing your past, as you grow.

I think people often realise more than we give them credit for, and the chances are she knows already and is worried for you. To take the step of opening up, and telling her that you need help, almost provides a comfort to someone, because it gives them hope.

We all have pasts which haunt us Suzie, but as you get happier and stronger they lose their hold on you.

Lola x

Susie said...

Oh i know mum's not stupid and probably has some idea, i mean she can see what i look like physically.

Sometimes i think if i knew a reason or a cause for the start of all this when i was 12 it would be easier to solve but i expect thats probably more hoping and wishing.

hope you're still dancing!

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