Friday, 30 April 2010

Worth the wait

Appointment with K was at 6.12pm, i knew i'd never see her at that time, but i still got there 20 minutes early because i just needed to leave the house. I couldn't worry about the appointment with mum around me.

half a dozen people in the waiting room, but my favourite receptionist behind the desk. The people gradually disappeared, leaving me alone in a more than familiar room. I've lost track of the number of times i've sat there alone, waiting, last appointment on the list, crying, praying J, Susie or the receptionsts would stop and talk to me. maybe comfort me...

Today, once alone, i got up to talk to E - just like old times. But there was still the desk separating us. I also wanted to check how she was, and that she is still in remission from the nasty breast cancer. She said she was tired, but ok. She returned the question. I wasn't going to lie to her, how can you lie through tears anyway?

Normal appointment with K, nothing she can really do, but give me the security of knowing she's there for me. I foolishly suggested i might see if there was an appointment with J or Susie next tuesday, to try and save myself from a repeat of last tuesday - trouble is i'm not sure if i want to. They weren't available though, however K is.....Maybe if K sees what i feel like after seeing Terry Pratchett then she'll understand, and that doesn't mean i have to cause injury to express that.

After finally seeing K at 6.30pm (thats not a long wait for her! i have known her running an hour late), Half an hour with her; tears - parting comments from her about me "deserving a life" which resulted in more tears and trying to stop myself from getting angry, partly at myself, because i don't agree - not after all my screw ups & failures, and a couple more appointments. I was the last patient left in the building, with 3 reception staff waiting to let me go out & go home. Waiting for me.

The youngest had the keys & was about to let me out, when E, my favourite, took them and came out from behind the desk instead.

"As much as i love to see you, i hate seeing you like this & i don't want to see you too often"

Her care and compassion simply increased my tears. Her response was to put and arm round me, holding me closer to her.

"Aww, Don't cry babes"

I wish it could have been a longer hug. Without her worrying about professionalism, without me worrying someone would see & tell her off. It is a hug i've longed for & dreamed out for so long. It wasn't much, but something is better than nothing. She didn't have to take the keys to let me out, she chose to because she knows me better. She's known me over 10 years - she's one of the original gang. And she still cares. And i still dream.

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