Friday, 23 April 2010

Lost

I am becoming lost, even more so than i already am.

Life is becoming very hazy, blurred around the edges, no defining points or markers. I am becoming more uncertain as to where i am. In the past, present, a dream, a nightmare, a fear regarding the future or even the media - a book or TV programme.

My thoughts no longer seem my own. I worry if i have stolen them from someone or somewhere.

I'm scared of myself, or what i may do or might have done.

Have the thoughts of overdose (if they were my thoughts in the first place and not those from a book) become a reality? I feel sick, have i done it again? How many tablets were there in that packet? Is my speech OK? Am i slurring? Am i making sense?

Who am i? What do people see when they look at me?

Am i in control anymore?









M cancelled on me again this week but rearranged for next Tuesday. First appointment with Terry Pratchett also next Tuesday. M can't do anything & i don't trust Terry Pratchett yet. I could go back to J, she always makes it known that she's there for me if i want her. But i don't feel its justified, she's seen me bleeding to death & hysterical before now, despite my current fears and (slight) depression, it just doesn't feel worth seeing her for.

I should perhaps see K but again despite the constant flow of tears, paranoia and almost disassociation, I'm torn between feeling too scared to see her or feeling i really should before these feelings get anymore out of reach. I am also very aware though that I am supposed to be going away for 2 weeks in July, and i don't want anything to jeopardise that, otherwise i know nan is unlikely to travel on her own without me. I can't mess this one up. For Nan's sake.

But maybe this is just me living in the past again, where i have had trips planned & fallen ill before it happen - mainly school trips but still a lot of money was lost - just another guilt or skeleton in my closet.

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