Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Ups and Downs, Day by Day

K wanted me to try and keep a track of the ups and downs of my mood not just over a period of a month or week but how things pan out over the course of a day. I said i'd think up a way to show the zig zags in my mood, but so far i've not come up with a way. Maybe thats because a) i haven't really tried and b) my brain just can't work out clever things at the moment, that amount of focus and concentration just isn't going to happen in my head.

Today started with tears over body image/weight/fatness/size etc etc. Then settled into blankness and tiring/back breaking although slightly distracting tasks at work. Then a bit of pottering around trying to avoid food, then a bit of sitting with tie passing quickly which slowly drinking a very thick and very sweet, digesting aiding smoothie. Then a hair cut which resulted in looking at my own chubby self for too long which resulted in further tears, whilst fighting the urges to go upstairs and dismantle the new pack of razors i gave in to buying he other day. There was crying, sobbing and what finally made me realise i should sleep, a punching fit on my stomach & thighs which seemed completely out of my control and came from a place within that i didn't realise was even there. It was completely impulsive & like a burst, but it was almost like it wasn't me. It was that part of me that is impulsive and i feel i have no control over. It wasn't calulated or planned like the blood letting, or the majority of the cutting or other self harm, but more of a surprise to myself like the car crash.

So after crying until i had no more to give, i fell asleep. I think that was about half past 3 and when i woke it was 5 to 5. So once again i clearly needed it and although i felt no happier, i at least felt calmer.

This evening has been, one of trying to act ok. I can't let mum see how dangerous i feel, or rather how i felt earlier. Now i just feel shattered again.

I know on occassions that increases in medication doses can cause unbalance, & i want to put it down to that, but as always i'm so aware of my habits of denying the fact that its just me as i am and not being caused by anything else. We'll see, because tonight the dose goes up again to 210mg and after todays distress and outburst i'm tempted to consider K's suggestion about combining these meds with a mood stabiliser, however after past medication combination disasters & even lack of time left between 2 different meds causing major distress and suicidal issues, i am very very wary.

But all i want to do now is sleep & also hope that my hip pain doesn't stop me from working tomorrow, however if it does, part of me will be glad as i think it is about time to see someone about it, as its been on & off for almost 6 weeks now. I have been wanting a reason to see J, i feel like i desperately want to let out what is really going on inside & when i'm alone. I need to fall apart on someone & let it all out.

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