Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Prevention is better than cure (not that there is a cure)

I saw K today, talking to her and admitting things to her made me realise i need to stop kidding myself once again, and admit to myself that my lowering mood may not just be because i'm tired.

She made me rewind and look back at when and why my depression/mental health issues started. Answer: Age 10 ish for not apparent reason. I simply never seemed to settle after moving house, in fact there were a few signs before that. I can recall my mother going to see my teacher when i was 9 to ask her about my mood and behaviour. Basically what she was getting at was that the depression was not caused by a major traumatic event and is more down to genetics and biological factors. As she put it a diabetic needs medication to stabilise blood sugars and someone with depression needs medication to stabilise their mood. So i've agreed to start back on the Lofepramine again. K thinks it did me some good, and she's a very experienced and knowledgeable GP, and i trust her. Immensely.

Sitting talking to her i could talk through my thoughts and secret actions with her and by doing so i realised that all the signs were there; crying at silly little things (like mum persistently asking to put some foot cream on my feet - i hate people touching my feet)and also for no apparent reason and thoughts of self harm becoming a reality. The blunt razor blade didn't cause more than a few scratches and i don't think i could cause myself the damage i used to anyway, in fact i'm not sure how i ever did. But today after realising i had forgotten to put sun tan lotion on my back and feeling it starting to bun, i purposely did nothing about it. I wanted to it burn, I wanted to cause 3rd degree burns, i wanted it to blister, i wanted it to hurt.

Its not enough though. I want to cause more damage. I want to get these crappy feelings out of me. K asked me if she needed to restrict my prescription, whether i was likely to overdose in other words. I assured her that despite wanting to destroy my body on the outside, i feel no urge to do so internally. I guess this has more to do with how i feel about my physically self right now, and how much i despise the way i look and feel. Yet despite this i'm going to go and get some chocolate because i want comfort. Afterall once this free chocolate is gone, its not like theres going to be anymore and i have two full days at work to burn it off!

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