Wednesday, 29 June 2011

"Even if it is broken......

......there's nothing that can be done anyway, is there?"

That was my response to K this morning when she asked me if i wanted an x-ray of my hand. If i had made a better job of punching then perhaps & even though i am in pain, couldn't make a fist for her, flinched every time she touched the knuckle it still doesn't mean there is anything that can be done.

She said to strap it up & stick it in a sling, which isn't really possible when driving & certainly can't happen when i'm at home or at the gym - that will attract even more attention to it. Trying not to show that i can't really use it for the pain is hard enough, especially at the gym. Have had to cancel a class tonight. A, i feel exhausted & B can't make a fist to punch properly. Might have felt different if it was a certain instructor, but its not her so i'm not too bothered. Off to the gym for a class in a bit anyway, so i still get one in at least. Not that my heart rate monitor is working to tell me how hard i'm working, don't think it will be that much anyway the way i feel today.

Think a sleep might be needed this afternoon. Would rather sleep right now but need to get my lazy arse into gear & get changed. I know i need to take a couple of detours too on the way, so i really should move off the sofa.

But before i forget one last thing, K was talking about starting me on a mood stabiliser, to even out the low dips that happen every so often. Maybe its because things have been this way for so long, but there sadly feels like a little security in feeling like this. Sure it might be nice to feeling less depressed but whats the point of feeling less depressed if i have nothing to do - no job etc. Then i'd just be a less depressed exercise addict, yet functioning benefit cheat with no future prospects, rather than a depressed, exercise addict, self hating & harming, pathetic, state scrounging fraud of a person.

I think i'd better stop there & go to the gym.

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