Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Therapy to cope with Therapy

I've just had one of those appointments that leaves you feeling like you need another session to talk over how the first session made you feel!!

Ok, so an appoinment with K isn't really therapy, but she certainly makes you think about things & question yourself.

Once again she said she was really pleased with me. I can see where she's coming from, but that doesn't change my feelings and thoughts. I still feel like crap, i'm still scared by myself & my thoughts & i still feeling like i want to attack myself, causing serious damage.

Last week i got to the kind of state that has put me in hospital before. The only difference this time is me, and how much i've grown up & matured. I'm not that teenager who doesn't think of the consequences anymore. I don't want to dissapoint people these days, or let them down. I could have easily overdosed, or self harmed more severely than i have been doing (yes, the ED is on the way out and SI is coming back) but the old, grown up Susie now has the maturity to think about what it would do to her mother, D, her Nan, my boss (now thats a new one to add to the list) etc etc. I don't want people to say "oh dear. again? what a shame..... she was doing to well..."

So instead last week i curled up on the sofa & cried until i fell asleep. I slept for almost a couple of hours, so i think i needed it. I've been trying to rest and restore my energy since then, but it just leaves me worrying that i'm over eating and being lazy and hence getting fat. Still having big issues with the fact that there is actually fat on my body now and that more of it has settled on my stomach. Thats despite people telling me i look "fab" - and yes that is quoted from someone from work! The boss was now "an attractive young woman" too. enough of my vain side.

Ok, i've been home an hour now so my brain is settling. Neighbours, on channel 5, might be helping distract me a tad.

K wants me to separate me from the illness. She wants me to be able to put the illness in the corner of the room and talk about it separate from me. She says she knows it will take time but she wants me to try. How can i though? Its all i ever remember really. From when i started secondary school i've seen counsellor, therapist, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, CPNs, GPs and the list goes on. I've been sectioned 3 times, 4 if mum hadn't put her foot down on one occasion. I've been in hopsital more times than i can count on one hand for certain but not quite into double figures. I've been on more types of medication than i can count on 2 hands, and that list is about to grow again, as K wants me to thing about trying a mood stabiliser in combination with the Lofepramine, which in a weeks time i will be up to the higher does of 210mg again. She thinks it might even things out day to day, even if it doesn't change the long term low, hopefully the lofepramine will do this.

There's still a part of me that doesn't want the meds to work. That part of me that doesn't know anything else and is scared of what the future holds.

If i wasn't tired enough before, i'm now mentally tired too, and mum's asked me to do their dinner tonight, but i need to work out what i'm doing for myself first.

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