Monday, 15 February 2010

Growing and growing

I can't cope with this. I'm growing bigger and bigger, despite 5 days at the gym last week with at least 2 hours there each day, working hard and also under eating by at least a whole day's calorie allowance.

What else can i do? Live at the gym? My knee joints are already incredibly painful, and I'm considering going to see J because i won't be able to walk soon! Plus i have to take at least a double dose (today it will be treble) of caffeine tablets to get me moving rather than falling asleep.

According to ideal weight guides I'm well over mine, and my goodness my clothes are telling me so! I look 4 months pregnant still.

To add to my stress D has man flu, and is off work today. He really annoys me when he's ill actually. He has this pathetic cough which means he can't simply cough once but has to splutter it out each time. He can't just have a simple cold - it has to be man flu all the way. Another good reason to stay at the gym for as long as possible today.

Blood test in an hour and a half (10.10am), which is kind of annoying because it means i can't get to a class at either gym because one starts at 10am and the other at 10.25am and they are the only classes until the evening and the evening classes get booked up at least a week in advance, and actually so do the day classes.

Even after a dose and a half of caffeine tablets so far, i still want to go back to sleep. What can i do? Someone please tell me! sat looking at this blob of a body i just want to sob my heart out (although i can't as D has now made it downstairs), i don't even feel like i want to harm and attack because i don't even feel i have the energy for that. I just feel like i want to sleep. I have probably enough energy to get to the doctors although it might involve defrosting the car first!! But i think it might take a bit more pill popping to get me to the gym, however i think that should probably wait until i get back just in case it screws up the blood test. After all I'm supposed to be looking for reasons for this tiredness and it probably not going to show much if I'm dosed up to the eyeballs!

3 people had something to say about this:

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

Don't be so self deprecating! All it does is self sabotage you time and again. You won't get anywhere if you continue to put yourself down. Talk to yourself as you would to a dear friend. You wouldn't talk to a friend like that, so don't talk to yourself like that. ::hugs:: One day a time.

Susie said...

Trouble is Arielle, if i don't nag myself and give myself a kick up the backside, i'll give up and get more depressed and either shut down completely or self destruct, both of which will hurt mum. At least this way she thinks i'm just keeping myself occupied going to the gym.

What she doesn't know is i'm going to the gym, fighting back the tears (which i can't hide from the lovely instructors who know me well) and pushing it as hard as i can.

I'm not my friend tho, and after all my downfalls and the hurt i've caused, i wouldn't want to be my friend.

Like you say though "one day at a time" so maybe one day that will change.

Incredible Eating Anorexics said...

hi, i just spied this blog by accident, hello, i hope you dont mind me dropping in xxx

motivations been and still is a real struggle for me, i found though that if i arranged to do things with others i'd be more likely to do them. but since i dont have many "others" to do things with it is really hard. sometimes at night i cover my room with post its telling me things i need to do in the morning...it either helps or i tear them all down in a rage. The other thing is making a plan for each day, split your day into hour blocks and give each a task ,and some space for rests meals etc. It sounds a bit textbook-y but it has helped me.

L x

 
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