Sunday, 7 February 2010

Chocolate Comfort

I can't pinpoint the emotions and i really have no clue as to a reason, if in fact there is one.

I feel exhausted, so much so that even the Pro Plus tablets didn't seem to take much effect yesterday.

All i want is comfort - good job its the lower calorie Options hot chocolate i'm drinking otherwise i would have reached the daily guideline for calories on hot chocolate alone! Although i think i managed to make a reasonable dent in that with the cheese i ate before & during lunch.

It feels like food is the only way i can find comfort right now. Each night when i sleep my nocturnal thoughts are filled with memories and stories created around the characters. So vivid and intrusive, i wake with my mood ever lower than when i had finally managed to settle myself in bed for sleep. Hospitals, sectioning, previous jobs, childhood friends from a secondary school that i loved so dearly.......All of these taunting me about my regrets of the past and scaring me about what may lay ahead in the future.

I'd love to have a nap right now, but i'm afraid things won't feel any better when i wake. My protruding, bloated belly won't have disappeared thats for sure, which i suppose is partly why i've lost the will to be in control and simply continue to feed it - with fruit as well as the odd not so healthy snack. I worry about critisism from mum & D, which means most of the extras, especially the unhealthy ones are consumed in secret and aquired when it cannot be noticed that they are missing. For example the small(ish) Fox's chocolate biscuits are not missing from the top layer in the tin, but from, where it will not be seen at the moment, the lower layer. (Although there may be questions to answer when the top layer is finished and it is noticed that there are already biscuits missing from the lower layer!)

Keeping a food diary seems to have failed in keeping my appetite and consumption under wraps. Even though looking in the mirror brings me to tears, by seeing that my jaw line has vanished, and in its place a 2nd chin has appeared, i still feel to tired to fight the appetite. I wish it was a body dysmorphic perception however the comparision between photos from the past few months are counting against that theroy.

I'm booked in for pilates of tuesday, but right now i'm not sure if i'll make it to the gym tomorrow or for anything other than the pilates class. Maybe the thought of trying out my new pink boxing gloves will inspire me. I wish i could afford a personal trainer, someone to motivate me back into shape.

I surrender - time for an afternoon nap.

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