Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Destiny

Seems i'm destined to be F-A-T!!

Even after uping my protein in take, there has been no difference in either the scales or the sensible method which is my nice Laura Ashley trousers than i want to fit back into.

The dietician came up with no suggestions and simply advised not cutting back any further.

The blood tests were all fine. J suggested i just need to adjust to things but how can i when i've never been this big in my life. She tried to ease my distress by reminding me that it's normal to gain weight at my age, having recently finished growing etc but that didn't stop the tears falling and when she took my hand, it just seemed to hurt all the more.

I've working as hard as i can at the gym - despite a chesty cough a & a sprained ankle over the last few days, although pain killers masked that - but its taking triple doses of caffeine tablets to get me there (it genuinely slipped my mine about that when talking to J tonight). I did 2 classes and 30 minutes in the gym today & i struggled with that. I was going to give it a rest tomorrow but given that there is no physical cause for anything, then it seems i have no choice but to try and work through the ankle pain (i found the recumbant bike was ok for that, less pressure on the ankle) at the gym after college tomorrow.

I'm eating 75% of the recommened calorie intake for women, so why isn't anything changing at all.

When i suggested it was my body punishing me for starving myself for those 3 years, J didn't think it was anything to do with my past.

Mum's just come home, and failing to hid my tears I've just told her what happened with J (minus the bit when she took my hand), and just like J, mum has no suggestions.

No-one does.

According to calculators online (yes, i know i probably shouldn't wind myself up like that...) just with my calorie deficit each day, i should be losing about a lb a week.

I'm shattered, bunged up, have a sort throat and my ankle feels like its going to drop off. what i'd really like right now is a ready meal for dinner because i so can't be arsed - plus i don't want to stand in the kitchen on one leg and cook.

But instead i'm going to look up something to do with an aubergine (not that anything tastes like it should right now) and contemplate skipping college tomorrow and spending all day at the gym. Although if i screw up this course it will just be another failure to add to the list.

I just want to say one final thing - something thats no about me and totally self centered and self pittying! To all my bloggy friends who i know are struggling right now (i can think of 4 off the top of my head, but if i name them i know there will be others i've forgotten!) take care (hypocrit i know) and sending you all virtual hugs.

6 people had something to say about this:

Bippidee said...

Could it be that you are doing so much exercise that your body is working in starvation mode, and so hanging onto the calories it gets? You are doing a week's worth of exercise in a day, but only eating 75% of the RDA - your body may not like that. x

Susie said...

I don't understand though - when i've had a week off, and not been in starvation mode at all, then that hasn't changed anything either.

I'm just so frustrated. :(

Bippidee said...

No, but it takes longer than that for your body to sort itself out - a week isn't long at all. Maybe try cutting down on the gym so you are doing a more reasonable ammount of exercise for say a month, and see if there is any difference with your weight? xxx

Susie said...

thing is compared to the amount i'd like to be doing/feel i should be doing, this is about half.....

perhaps i just need to learn the art of patience.

Missing In Sight said...

Susie,

I don't know your weight or what you used to be, but have you ever thought that this might be your set point and your body is fighting to stay at a healthy weight? I understand you don't like it and it feels gross and uncomfortable, but maybe this is the natural weight your supposed to be. What do you think?

Susie said...

The trousers i mentioned were from before anorexia took hold - so i should be able to get back into them.

 
design by suckmylolly.com