Saturday, 27 February 2010

Confirmation (via mother)

It seems i am even too big/overweight/f-a-t according to my mother now too. I have been getting various comments since she realised i was try with all my might to loose weight. In fact i'm starting to wonder now if she'd care if i stopped eating all together - if only i could fight my appetite & the stress/comfort eating that much.

When she first noticed i'd started cutting back (plus going to the gym 4/5 days a week) her words were "I'm watching you!" but in a matter of a couple of months that has turned completely full circle.

One wednesday when she had asked me what i had done that day, i though i'd try and prove to her that i was trying to lose the weight semi-sensibly, for all the good it did me. I told her how in between my two classes (both hour long intensive aerobics/fitness classes), i had walked into town (about 20 minutes), gone to Holland & Barrett and found this rather yummy protein bar which was only 136 calories and tasted just like a double decker to me! I said this to prove i was being sensible by having something to eat between my two jumpy bouncy classes. The response i got? "Did you really need that?"

With being ill over the last week my eating & appetite has gradually decreased. My throat is so sort this morning that even swallowing liquid was rather a trial - so i'm not holding out much hope for today either. However judging my last nights remarks from mum, thats not a problem. I really didn't feel like eating yesterday, and knew i wasn't going to get through much so thought i'd treat myself to a bit of bread pudding. Sadly the first bakery i was counting on didn't have any which was a big disappointment as they make a really nice one, but i thought i'd try the other bakery while i was out. But being a chain bakery it wasn't unsuprisingly not that great, a bit dry, but then again nothing tastes like it should right now, so i guess the flavour wasn't too bad. Anyway - mum saw the foil packet & i, trying to be open & honest and share things with her - again for all the good it does me, explained my day and lack of appetite.
"Wouldn't it be a good idea to capitalise on that?"

Feeling my frustration yet? I said to her that if i'd not eaten very much she'd have been on my back, chasing me about it. "No i wouldn't" However, in fact the other day she came home & commented how there weren't very many dirty dishes & proceeded to ask me what i'd had for lunch.

The nail in the coffin whilst i was making my bowl of parsnip soup "Well, you're not going to waste away, are you?"

It makes me want to throw it back in her face and eat nothing at all, after all i have enough body fat to live on, and clearly its not just my own personal body image - its real.

sadly it seems my cough/cold is slowly starting to clear up which means it looks like i'm going to have to face this family therapy meeting thing on Tuesday - can you tell how much i've been avoiding it - I haven't even alluded to it on here yet, and its now 4 days away. The other annoying thing is i'm not sure i'm going to be up to going to gym to take out my frustrations on the punch bag tuesday morning - surely though if i'm not well enough for the gym, then i'm not well enough for a stressful meeting??!!

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