Sunday, 10 January 2010

"Silly"

"Where are you going?"
"Upstairs because i'm going to lose it."
"Well, you're very silly then."
Because i'm just a silly little girl. Just like you've always thought.

Cue mini magnum cravings. Must stock up on Options Hot Chocolate tomorrow. Or simply buy oodles of proper chocolate and become even more obese and disgusting like they wanted me to become and have turned me into.

Once again the result of hidden tears and depression all day. Tantrum over dinner. Shitty feelings over throwing away a crab that i just couldn't face eating (taste/flavour issue not calorie issue), with thoughts of starving children swamping my conscience.

Why can't mum see it as anything other than stupid opinions that i thought she'd got over, in fact she's starting to sound like my grandfather from the 'pull yourself together' generation. Do i have to be seeing a psych/CPN or be skeletal or shredded by blades or overdosing for her to class is as depression? Do i need to be popping the happy pills again? Is this just a ploy to get me to see Dr L, to regain my MH label officially?

Failed to get to the gym today, but booked into a class tomorrow with an instructor who's on my wave length, at least in part. She disclosed her MH experiences/background with me last week & gave me a hug on parting. No self harm or ED background but a person whose breakdown involved hospital contact of some kind (no detail provided but thats not the point) makes me feel at ease slightly. Hopefully while i'm there after the class i'll find that motivation to try pick the hugest calorie burning work out. Being able to physically grab handles on my waist and my thighs touching makes me feel physically sick. I never had that before the ED, so i don't want it now either!

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