Monday, 25 January 2010

Hanging on

As usual its my fault. I starved myself for 3 years and now my body won't let me lose any of that weight. I can't even seemed to turn any of the fat into toned muscle by dragging myself to the gym 3 or 4 times a week!

Having realised all my efforts are futile, the comfort eating is sneaking in. Arguments result in detours via the bakery and purchases of bread pudding. Tiredness requires comfort - today in the form whipped cream on the top of a normal (rather than lower calorie) hot chocolate.

Depression has taken over. I cried on and off (take that as all times I was alone) from when i got up until i had finally got most of it out of my system talking to M. I think i cried for the first 45 minutes of the hour and a half. I have come to the conclusion that while i have no energy and no life inside me that i am going to have to live as a hippo, heavier than i have ever been in my 23 years of life.

M, Dr L and this new psych are apparently having a meeting tomorrow, M called me this morning to ask me if i was going. Great,i thought, more crap communtication from the team. But no, it turns out its not a CPA, just a professionals meeting. Seems they are plotting and scheming, with M there to give them the low-down on me, as she is the only person to have seen me other than K, in the last 3 years. I guess i'll find out on friday what they want from me.

Mum asked me what i had to loose, in our 'heated discussion' today.

The answer: The last little scrap of energy i have left inside of me.

2 people had something to say about this:

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

Don't lose heart. I know everything seems sad and overwhelming...but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It just may not seem like it right now. I highly doubt you are a hippo. And I know the feeling of being heavier than you've ever been in your life. I am at the highest weight I've ever been in my 25 years of life. But I'm happy now. I'm recovered. As you go through this hard, hard process, your mind can change and become clearer... and then you will see your body for what it really is... and things change. Perception changes. Depression may have taken over right now...but there is help for that. You can do this. I believe in you.

Susie said...

Thank you for your kind words. Maybe not quite a hippo, but certainly not the giraffe i woul like to be.

I do somewhat doubt that i could ever be happy at this weight though, having never been anywhere near this big in the past. I'm a stone over anything i've ever weighed previously.

 
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