Sunday, 30 May 2010

My favourite rule breaker

She always took her lanyard & name badge off when she took me out, escorting me to the shops, for a walk or even to the hospital canteen.

She always had perfect (fake) nails. I'd sit at her feet if there was no room on the sofa and she'd tickle/scratch the back of my neck.

She used to wear Burberry Weekend perfume, which is a fragrance that comforts me to this day. The memories of her breaking more rules, giving me a hug almost every shift i saw her.

Today i was reminded why i don't got to Hospital Town. Not only are there too many bad memories, people i don't want to be reminded of or ever meet again, but there are a few (literally 3 or 4) people who bring tears to my eyes every time i see them.

I saw her before she spoke to me.

"Hi Su."

She was pushing a wheelchair with an elderly lady clearly from the hospital, as she was still wearing hey lanyard & name badge whilst taking this lady around the supermarket to get her shampoo (which is typically the only reason we were actually there!).

I felt a wave of anxiety take over me and a surge of tears just fighting their way past my eyelashes. Mum looked at me and told me that it was in the past and to "leave it there." I told her that i wasn't going to even bother trying to explain what was going on in my head (and why i was about to burst into tears) but that the reason seeing CaS was upsetting because "she was one of the few staff who gave a shit".

I held it back so much, had i been on my own i would have walked out of the shop there and then and sobbed my heart out in my car. Today i couldn't though. I can't let mum see how much things are really affecting me, like when we bumped into Boss from the farm during lunch.

I'm really starting to struggle in hiding and supressing a heck of a lot of crap. I want to fall apart so badly, but i can't upset mum and i have to make sure Nan gets her 2 week holiday in July, and even after that i can't fall apart because i would still hurt them too much. Mum said it was in the past and to leave it there much i don't think she realises how close things always feel to S ward becoming a reality again. It's not as close as last November but its always a possibility.

Once you've been on the books, you always are.

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