Friday, 21 May 2010

Knee Deep

As i sat in a cafe today, after 2 hours of gym classes, i realised as i cried & drank my diet coke, just how deep i am back into the world of anorexia.

I keep telling myself i can't possibly be the A word, due to my size & weight (spare me the lectures i know the criteria for EDs) and that i am simply on a diet - like every other woman at the gym.

But sitting, crying because i can't order more than a diet coke, despite having giving output at the gym worth around 1000 calories (2 high impact classes on a friday morning, which i was complimented on during the 1st and 2nd for my "form" and effort) kind of says it all really. I couldn't even bring myself to ask what their special salad was - having discounted the goats cheese salad (too high calorie - even though i adore goats cheese) and the ham salad (haven't eaten meat since the ED started in 2006).

K says that it is better than ways i could be dealing with stuff right now. She almost praised me on the phone the other day for holding it together. But is dropping a fair amount of weight in a couple of weeks holding it together? From a BMI of 24.2, to 22.2?

Maybe it is better than crashing my car, ending up with a Hb of 4.3 or an OD resulting in seizures. It doesn't seem to get across whats going on in my head. But i'm too scared of hurting the little family i have, which is why i have to stay in control enough that i know what i'm doing, which means coping in my own way. I'm still a long way off underweight, so i just cope my body can continue, after all it has enough body fat to keep it going!

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