Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Heartbreaking dreams

Last nights dream was both heartbreaking but kind of comforting at the same time. I think it was probably caused by my brief visit on monday, to drop off some clothes to sell at the 2nd hand uniform shop. Needless to say lots of tears before i'd even driven off the campus (i was there for less than 5 minutes) and for the rest of the day.

I turned up and parked in the school grounds at the bottom end of the campus and my best friend from school was there too. After a while the whole school seemed to gather around my car. It seemed they were doing registration in the carpark these days. After all the students departed, one of my old tutors came over to us.

"Why have 2 of my favourite students not come over to say hello?"

Her voice was as warm, comforting & mothering as it ever was. I felt like i wanted to cry just on hearing her voice.

She picked up so many pieces when she was my tutor. I can recall one occassion when i had admitted harming to someone and the school had decided to call my mother. Obviously i was distraught and terrified. Mrs H took me down to the school medical centre and stayed with me until my mum arrived. For half an hour she sat with me while i cried, stroking my hair & trying to calm my fears. Every time i heard a car, i sat bolt up right, paralysed with the fear of what was going to happen next. I don't recall anything other than a trip to the doctors/nurse (probably J) happening that time. But these are the kind of memories that are etched in my mind, and i guess in some ways in my body via the scars too. Back to the dream......

She ask my friend and i if we wanted to go back and see her classroom, revisit the buildings. My friend then seemed to disappear and it was just me and Mrs H. She took me into an older building (Not the actual building, the room in my dream doesn't actually exist in the school) where she let me move through slowly as my mind was taken back to times of fleeing lessons and returning to this room to cry and hide. She asked me if i remembered this place. How could i forget?

I wanted to simply sit and cry yet again, because this felt a safe place to be able to curl up and cry. She stayed with me there while i wandered around this old wooden room - wooden floor boards, beams. It was a room in the top of the building, an attic room with a couple of old sky lights, meaning the light inside the room itself was limited and dim. Dark and safe.

She showed me a card she had kept that she had wanted to give me years ago when i was a student. It was a mothers day card, with a difference. If was FROM a mother - her as a mother figure towards me. The card was flowery but sincere, not too mushy. To me, signed from her - a gurdian mother figure.

There were other parts to the dream but not significant and nothing that will remain with me for the rest of the day like that memory will. When i woke this morning, remembering the memories of the night, i was torn between wanting to go back to sleep & go back to that place, or wake up and move away from those memories before my heart shattered with the pain that i also felt. I couldn't face going back there.

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