Sunday, 31 May 2009

jealous of illness or the image?

I was at an event today where i spotted a woman in a wheel chair amongst the crowds. Maybe she stuck out to my eyes more than others, but she was clearly extremely underweight. To be honest i'm not sure she was suffering from anorexia because despite her stick like arms and legs, her face was not at all gaunt or thin. It was more as though she had severe muscle wastage. I don't know. There was nothing of her yet her face looked healthy. Maybe is was muscle related. She was able to walk though, but clearly not for long distances.

But as I was sitting outside waiting for mum she came with a friend and they sat on the table next to me. I wanted to cry. I felt so jealous. I'm not sure what in particular it was that i was envious about though.

The illness and the wheel chair? The sleek, slender and steamline figure she had? Yet i know that she was clearly very ill. Even though her friend who was with her was rather plump and chubby, larger than me, i still felt so fat and hippo like compared to this woman who's pink dress hung off her shoulders and fell straight to her knees without touching another part of her body.

Maybe i was annoyed that eveyone sees me as healthy. I feel so cross that no-one could see the torment in my mind. How i want to attack this fat that is now clinging to me. The thoughts of self harm are so powerful but these days i don't think i could cause the damage i did in the past.

One thing is haven't read regarding recovery from anorexia is the tiredness. Over the last few days i have been sleeping for 10 hours a night and also having to have a nap during the day. I thought there was something really wrong but M assures me this is normal. I've agreed to see her and speak to K again now, i stopped being so angry with the world. Angry that i'm fat, and there is visible fat now, angry that i'm almost heavier than i was pre anorexia. I've never really been over 8 stone. I'm small framed, petite, as is mum and nan. But i'm reaching that level already. It's horrifying. I went to the local public gym to find out about fees and i really can't afford to pay £53 a month. I wish i could however there is also a stong part of me that wishes i had the membership so i could kick start the weight loss, as i did last time and get back down to at least the 7 stone where i was before the real weight loss problems.

I'm not sure what is fluid retention and what is weight gain either though. I'm praying a lot of it is fluid retention and i do notice a difference when i forget to take the herbal tablets for it, but i fear lots of this weight is here to stay.

2 people had something to say about this:

Sar said...

Hi there...
I have exactly the same experience when I see someone terribly thin... it's awful, it ruins my day and they make me feel like a failiure or that I'm 'not
good enough' and it's probable that they don't have an eating disorder, either way, it's got where I try and cover myself up so no-one can tell what my body looks like, be that fat or thin. I believe it's because mentally, I still haven't let go of the anorexia and through many 'recoveries' never quite worked this one out.I'm costantly looking for this answer though, as I feel it plays a massive part in the way I see myself and I know this is wrong. Keep trying babe Xx

Susie said...

Thats exactly how it felt. It really does put a downer on my day.

I think you're right. It's hard to let go of an identity that you've had fo a long time. My anorexic identity has only been with me for the last 3 years but the depression and general mental health issues had been there for 11 years. An old social worker once said she hoped that i didn't become "professionaly mentally ill". I think she meant living life by going in and out of hospital constantly as i seemed to through my teenage years. But when you don't really remember any different it's hard to let go of.

thank you for reading, Sar.


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