Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Mrs Blobby

The tyre around my waist is getting bigger. i'm sure its not just a warped ED biased view. How can it be when you have lost all sight of your hip bones? I mean as much as i like them sticking out, i know thats not healthy but i would still like to know they are there lost under a mass of fat. I think mum has finally realised how much this is upsetting me.

I got all the bread pudding i'd frozen out of the freezer and was about to chuck it away. I got the usual "don't be silly" remarks because after all thats all i ever am isn't it? silly. She put it all back in the freezer saying "D will eat it" except D is trying to lose weight so no he won't.

For the last 3 nights and also when i neededa sleep during the day yesterday, i have cried myself to sleep. i guess i'm in mourning. Mourning the loss of my former body, the loss of my hip bones, the loss of feeling comfortable. because its gone past that middle ground and i'm heading towards the other end of the scale. I don't know how far up that scale i've gone, i daren't look. I'm too terrified to know and i'm not having anyone else know either.

I certainly don't think i can call myself anorexic anymore.

2 people had something to say about this:

Seeker said...

Your poor body has been deprived of food for so long that it is probably grabbing on to every bit of fat it can! If you continue to eat more then hopefully things will settle down. You probably are still seeing things somewhat from a 'warped ED biased' view though. That distorted view certainly doesn't just go away overnight, unfortunately!

When I read your blog, I always feel so sad, not just for you, but for your mum - having gone through a little bit of this with my daughter. It is hard for us mums when our children develop problems with food, because we see part of our role as a mum as providing nourishment. When my daughter stopped eating for a while, I felt scared, worried, rejected, hurt - and one hundred percent a totally useless failure! I remember my daughter seemed so hostile to me at one stage and I didn't know what on earth I had done! (This is still all so painful, even 13 years later, that I am crying as I write this!).

Am I right in thinking that your mum is a single parent? Who does she have to turn to with her own difficult feelings about all of this? It might be an idea for her to seek some counselling or find some kind of support group. It would probably benefit both of you in the long run.

Sending lots of hugs.

Susie said...

I'm learning that anorexia is not as easy to get rid of as simply gaining weight and eating again, thats for sure, so yes sometimes my views are a bit biased.

Mum has a hubby of 5 years, but they've been together for about 13 years. I've even started sending him fathers day cards the last couple of years! which is a huge step and has taken a log time. he'll never replace my father but he's been there for me and mum a hell of a lot more. she was going to a Mind carer support group, so general mental health not eating disorder based. sadly that recently came to an end due to lack of funding.

Is there any advice you would give to other parents?

 
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