Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Which Outcome am i waiting for?

There are 3 ways this could stop going downhill.

1 - I find a reason to actively live for rather than just survive for my family, and start eating more.

2 - I collapse and they cart me off to hospital, and i start eating because either i'm made to or i give up fighting the part of me that has the compulsion to restrict and take it as a way out/excuse.

or

3 - I collapse, but i don't recover... I don't survive... And it is my way out of this misery but will sadly cause much heartbreak to others in the process.



I don't know which out come i want anymore. The first just doesn't seem possible. I've lived with depression and all thats come with it for almost half of my life and i don't see anything else. I can't imagine a 'normal' life, one that includes a stable job, a social life, friends, interests etc. The second option seems more likely and in some ways is what i'd like to happen but i don't expect it would run as smoothly as that. I don't expect that if the control of what i ate was taken away from me, that i would take it lightly or as easily as in my little fantasy world.

Then to the 3rd option...... Is this the reason i continue to lose weight? Is this what i'm hoping for? I know i've stopped myself from the final curtain in the past, but somehow if an external or indirect factor were to be the cause I feel like i'd be less to blame. If an infection or virus were to take me, it would be as much my fault. I'm running out of reasons for living.

I don't know what my brain is thinking or really wanting anymore.

My BMI is now 12.6 I've typed it in the same colour as the background as i know numbers and figures can be upsetting to some. Hopefully that should work.

Mum asked me if i wanted to meet her for lunch today. I desperately wanted to be able to say yes but the food fear factor of where we'd be going was just too much. Yet if we were out and mum said "We're going here for lunch" i know i'd just get on with it, even if the restrictions were greater later on during the day. I tried to explain this to her, but i don't think what i was really trying to say was understood.

Time to run away and disappear into a crowd for a bit, not that seems possible as i stick out like a sore thumb - or rather an injured stick insect.....

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