Monday, 16 February 2009

The end of the road

People say live your life for you and not for others. Trouble is i don't want life, it hurts too much. The pain and misery never goes away. I have to live my life for others, its the only reason i'm still alive. I find myself wondering more and more if i'll outlive my nan and my mum. For the agony and pain it would cause them, i hope i do. But for me i just want an end to all this.

I want mum right now, not because she can make it better, but more to do with the fact like i feel like i'm on my last legs and i want to spend my last moment with her. I just want to be with her. I necessarily want her holding me or touching me, i don't think thats fair on her. I wouldn't want to put her through holding a skeleton anyway.

It just feels like there's only one way this is all going to end - these feelings - this depression and that would mean the end of me as well, which i know really isn't what i want.

My shock of the scales yesterday was replaced by the normal anger again this morning. i thought yesterday was too good to be true. Yesterday was a nightmare as it was. No exercise, stress induced snacking and gallons of liquid to try and replace the snacking. Add in a few arguments and you get one of the worst days possible.

Question now is what do i do today?

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