Thursday, 19 February 2009

Dot Dot Dot, Dash Dash Dash, Dot Dot Dot! (WARNING - possibly graphic certainly not happy)

I'm sorry if this post gets too detailed or graphic but i really need to get it out of my system. I'll leave a nice long gap before i get into the not so pleasant and rather depressing, possibly triggering details. I'm typing this standing up. I will not sit down until about 7pm now when we have dinner - not that i deserve dinner. Can you see where this is heading yet? How about if i described myself as a Failed Bulimic? Right, here comes the gap.

So i thought i'd try and start the day with a bit more food than i had planned. the original plan was nothing at all before i went into town in the morning like a normal thursday, and then have my soup and fruit when i got home in the afternoon. so i sat and had a couple of pieces of fruit instead of just the planned tea and warm (sugar free) squash. On finishing the fruit the craving for a cereal bar took hold, but then things got out of control and quickly spiraled into another 2 cereal bars, a munchies icecream bar, 3 mini crunchies and in the hope of making myself sick with something extremely sweet and sickly, a huge lump of white icing. As a rough guesstimation i think i consumed about 1000 calories in the space of less than 30 minutes - thats probably more than i'd normally have in a day!!

So i headed to the bathroom, and attempted to purge myself of the evilness i had consumed. This is something that very rarely happens and with the delicate state of my heart as it is, i had visions of collapsing and snuffing it there and then in the downstairs loo. So the next turn of events was probably my saving grace. i managed a pitiful purge that would have probably have just about expelled one of the mini crunchies. Pathetic. But then........when i tried again, there in front of me, standing out against the stark white of the porcelain..... fresh blood. Whether i simply scraped my throat with my nails or whether my delicate body/oesophagus was simply too weak i don't know but luckily i had the sense to stop there. On closer inspection i had also managed to create a huge blood blister on the edge of my tongue, however it was clear that this was not yet the cause of what i had already spotted. So now i have aching stomach muscles and a hole in my tongue.

Thats all the gory details over with now. So of course there was only one things for it - some serious calorie burning. What was going to counter act the evilness fastest? To start with an hour and a half straight digging in the garden. That may get me a third of the way there. Next, Hoover the whole of the lounge and move all the furniture to make sure the whole carpet is cleaned and then move it all back again. Then change my bed, making sure to turn my mattress over and also around by 180 degrees. how do they make matresses so heavy? what do they put in those things? Ok, so mine is a double bed..... put the washing on. Take out recycling and compost making sure to make as many trips to the bins as possible. same applies for putting on washing and getting things from upstairs. get a shovel and give the compost bins a bashing to compact the contents down.

Next into town, park in the carpark furthest away from when i need to go. I made sure to buy the heavy things first so i have to carry them around town with me - its surprising how heavy 4 large heads of brocoli can be! So in total i was walking around the shops for about an hour and a half. So by then i thought i might be getting somewhere a bit closer to evening things out. I'd put the box of glass recycling in the car, a box of about 30 jars and bottles. the one thing our council won't recycle! So putting them in one at a time took more effort.

The final jobs before mum gets home - remake my bed. The fitted sheet is still in the tumble dryer though!! theres 25 mins before she gets home - it'll be tight to hide my manic activity and distasterous day.

Oh i forgot to mention the part where i turned back to the faithful razor blade to vent my anger and disgust towards myself.

Why, when i know that the body needs a certain amount of calories to get through the day as it is, do i then go OTT on exercise because i feel i need to get rid of the evilness? According to an online calculator my BMR is just a bit over the binge total...... and as i haven't eaten anything since that and am planning a dinner than will barely take me over it - why am i worrying? I mean its not like my body doesn't need it.

Bed is made and done. mum will be home any second. D wouldn't notice my obessive manicness i don't think. plus he's outside in the garage at the moment sanding something down i think. and as a final punishment no fruit for pudding tonight, no low cal hot chocolate and only low cal veggies to go in the WW curry sauce tonight.

I don't know which is going to get me first. Today i wasn't sure if my body was simply going to give out first or whether i was going to end up doing something directly to bring things to an end. I haven't felt that suicidal in a while. It scares me.

And M thinks i should go for the assessment at the unit and also accept any offers of a bed for a inpatient stay. But i don't need an inpatient stay!! I'm still dead set against it. Although i fear if things carry on i will be dead in general instead. Something has to change. I just don't know what and the though of being stuck on a unit where i know i will more than likely be put on bed rest, with a BMI of about 13.5, and forced to eat food that i probably won't like just feels like worse punishment than i'm putting myself through already.

Mum's home, so time to start cooking some veggies for dinner, and acting normal. I need to find something/somewhere to go during the weekdays though. I need somewhere that i wouldn't be commited to though, in case things go wrong. I can't handle commiting to something and then having to leave, its happened too many times in the past.

Anyway time to put the normal act on and hope she doesn't twig how close things have come to disaster today.

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