Thursday, 19 February 2009

Dear Mum.....

........i so want to tell you whats really going on right now. In fact actually i don't want to talk. No. I want to just curl up in your arms and cry. I want a safe space to just let all the fear, sadness and desperation out. If i talk though it means telling you how close to the edge i am again, how scared i am that this time i'm not going to get out of this black hole alive.

I love you so so much, once again i'm typing through tears. I couldn't even listen to the song "Mama" by the spice girls yesterday without crying. I think i made it past the first couple of lines and then that was it all i wanted was you, there besides me.

You came home tonight saying that you were all unsure about the security of your jobs in the office and you know what, i hope you are made redundant in some ways. Sure it scares the crap out of me to think that if you were at home i'd have to eat three meals a day at least. But it would be ok, because you'd be there. Right now i wish we could just spend the days curled up on the sofa together, but maybe thats born out of my fear that before long whether directly or indirectly that you will outlive me.

If anything is to happen, i pray you find this blog - if you haven't already, but i'm pretty sure you haven't. Yes it will hurt to read. Its not happy or anything to be proud of (whats new there?) but i hope it will show you some of what is going on in my head, maybe it will show you that i really honestly don't want to be this way despite what you may think.

Mum i'm tired. but there's this demon inside of men that keep pushing me on, making me continue. In fact i think there are 2 forces, one's the demon that continues to punish, starve and destroy and the other is almost a mirror of you. My reason for continuing with normal day to day things and being alive even if only in body and not in spirit.

I don't know what is going to break this circle of destruction, i just hope it is broken before it breaks me - for good.


4 people had something to say about this:

Seeker said...

Just happened upon your blog by accident. My daughter was anorexic for a while and still has problems with depression etc.

Do you and your mum know about the Maudsley approach to eating disorders?

Don't know what to say except to send you a big hug. Will be thinking of you.

Susie said...

Thank you for your comment.

I vaguely know about the Maudsley method, but i think until i find a reason to gain weight and stay alive, and eat more then all attempts at helping me are futile really.

thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings.

alice said...

been reading your blog too. and i understand some of the points you made. espically not spending money on yourself, i find that so hard to do. i wonder why this is. the ed therapist i saw said that i should set aside some money each week. well i did for a few weeks then stopped. i need to have some faith.

Susie said...

Hi alice,

hope you've had a good saturday and thank you for reading.

Its funny you should mention about money because right at this very moment am browsing ebay because i just have this urge to spend! not of me of course but i feel like i need to spend a vast amount of money. there's something mum said she likes that i've found on there for £170 but i know she'd go mad and get really upset if i did get it. she was bad enough when i gave her £50 to put towards a present at christmas.

i think it runs in parallel to the theories of denying yourself food because you feel you don't deserve it for whatever reason.

take care.

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