Sunday, 28 December 2008

Who's running this show?!

I don't know which part of my brain is in control right now. It seems to have changed from ED being in control with sensible fighting through, to sensible side living day to day life with ED controlling my thought processes and shouting at sensible because it hates what sensible is doing.

Sensible keeps snacking and picking at things getting extra calories here and there where it can. Unsurprisingly ED doesn't like this and is trying to limit as much as possible. ED then shows its anger in the form of an elastic band which has now left a series of red lines around my lower leg....

why can't i control sensible and stick to just 3 meals a day without snacking? I mean i know that ED is going to get very angry, yet i still let sensible pick the raisins (the few that remain) out of the tub of fruit and nuts. I was thinking of replacing said raisins to hide my disgusting habit, but i don't think i can guarantee how many i will consume in the process and i really don't want to get so angry as to let ED then decide i deserve a more lasting pain than the snap of a rubber band.

Even a snack of a gherkin or an extra clementine makes ED furious. It seems its all or nothing. So tomorrow its nothing. I'm not sure i will be able to keep sensible in line so I'm going to give up trying. ED you are free to rule tomorrow, you have requested nothing until 7pm and i will try and let you have it that way. Because to be honest no food all day is nothing compared to the destructiveness i feel towards myself overall.

I don't know whether its just the stress of the festive season or whether after a brief interlude in "okayness" i have fallen back down into the black hole. I expect it is mainly self disgust at having eaten far more than i feel i should have over the last 4 days, including eating out, eating 3 meals a day, snacking, picking at cakes and sweets, not checking drinks in the pub before you start drinking them. Even a couple of 2 hour walks don't sem to balance things out. All i can hope for is that stress has worked in my favour (or rather ED's favour) when it comes to my weight. By now though i'm to afraid to get back on the scales for fear of what will appear on the screen between my feet, once i've managed to move my gaze past my bloated stomach

but right now i feel angry towards mum because i feel like she is keeping me alive, well, I'm keeping myself alive for her. I know I'd devastate her if i even tried again (after all its been 2 and a half years since that last attempt after years of attempts almost monthly) but i want out. This isn't a life, this is now a punishment for my life so far and all my misdemeanours. I feel like i want to be set free from the prison that is my mind, my personality - myself. I'm tired of refereeing between ED and sensible, just like previously i was between SI and sensible. I want to live without hatred, without conflict and without anger.

Right now i'm not sure this will ever be possible.

By brain is jumping between so many places tonight i have no idea if this reads well or not but i'm tired and frankly i don't care anymore, well, not for tonight at least.

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