Monday, 28 September 2009

Dear Diary - July 2006 (contains strong language)

Written whilst on section 3 on the local psychiatric ward.

16th July 2006

"All people do in this place is eat. No wonder they're so overweight. They sit on their arses all day & put on the pounds. They're all fucking fat & crazy! You can't have a sensible conversation with anyone. If i go home i can go to the fruit farm, relax know that no-one is watching me. I'll eat dinner because otherwise mum will get angry. I can't eat their processed crap they serve here. They have no fresh fruit juice. The choice is calorie filled hot chocolate or soup if you want a hot drink or nasty squash.
By the end of today it will be 4 days fasting. I'm trying to decide whether to get a drink or not. I think i'll try and make it last throughout the day but i'm not sure if i can do it. So maybe to make life easier, I shouldn't bother at all.
Perhaps I'll just try cleaning my teeth & see if that gets rid of the urges.
Hopefully my monday they will see i need to be at home where i can cook my own food & know what i'm eating, not eat their processed crap that probably hides goodness knows what in it. why can't they see i'll be better off there? why don't they understand."

17th July 2006

"Its so frustrating when you can't share your delight with anyone - *st *lb with clothes on - so *st *lb which is *lb!! & to think i was struggling to reach *lb last week.
Yet i can't share it with anyone as they think its a bad thing.
S & A (CPNs) were right tho - i now have a new target *lb which makes it *kg.
But its the fact that people can see i'm not even skinny yet really, so why are they bothered about me eating?
Today is going to be a no cal, water only day - i can't jeopardise my new target.
Problem is i'm going to have to try and find someone who isn't going to tell. J (staff nurse) said she wouldn't last night but i'm not too sure. I'm thinking L (charge nurse) would be a good person to check it out with & when C (NA) gets back, i know she'll help me.
But i can't risk any temptations bought in by mum - not while i have no exercise available (apart from my yoga, I tried but got very interrupted!) & certainly not while i have no scales available freely to keep an eye on things! But its headed in the right direction & thats a start."

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