Saturday, 25 July 2009

I'd rather be.... (not a happy post)

...thin than this.

I'd rather be skinny & emotionally numb than healthy weight & in self destruct mode. I thought I'd left all that behind, but it seems not. I can't get through a day with thinking about harm, and wanting to harm. For mum, i fight it, however on occasions the desire & the need caused by this passionate self hatred that lives inside of me is too strong to fight.

There's a big part of me that doesn't want to fight it. That wants to attack me for being so stupid and getting so big. I have to wear baggy tops (now size 12!) to hide my protruding stomach. I can't stand the way my skin touches when i lean or bend over. I feel repulsed at the way my thighs brush against one another when i stand. The skin around my neck that folds as i lower my chin nauseates me.


i want to scream, cry and shout - "It's not fair!"

I see images in my head of this that could happen, that might happen. For example on Monday, i won't eat at all until dinner, I'll cycle to and from work, I'll call up the gym I've been thinking of joining.....except i know I'm too pathetically weak mentally to stop my self from eating, despite the fact I've tried to cut down on the calories, because i just seem to be getting bigger & bigger, despite reaching a healthy weight over a month ago.

I think about the scenario if my self harm involves more serious injuries (as i wish it might) again & how i will deal with that. Who i might tell, who i might ask for help if i need it, what J would say if i panicked & needed her help to clear up my mess.

My thoughts are even going as far as the self harm that left me critically ill & needing a blood transfusion. I can't seriously want to risk my life again can i?

But you see if i was skinny & malnourished i wouldn't have these thoughts distressing me. I wouldn't hate my self for being fat so much that i practically want to give myself a tummy tuck. The worrying thing is that the last time i did self harm, it didn't hurt. I don't recall feeling any pain until i was at work later on. Now that is unsettling because it then makes me wonder how much further, not much more damage i could cause.

I don't want to end up in hospital, because it would mean going back to the ward where the anorexia started. But wait............ i want to be skinny again, so maybe it is what i want. Its so easy to not eat a thing all day when there's no food around you & no-one bothers to nag you at meal times once they get the message you are not eating their crappy/fatty food. So maybe that's the answer - get section, stop eating, get thin. Through in a few sit ups and squats to fill the day & pass the time et voila! The perfect solution to reversing the clock (and the scales!).

I don't want to hurt mum or nan etc etc. but if i carry on this way, feeling & the short term, instant & impulsive destruction surely it would end up hurting them more than is i was just a little skinny?

There's a picture of me on the lounge wall taken when i was 2 stone lighter than this (so still a stone above my lowest weight) and i want to be that girl again. i want to be her. everyday i see her, and she sees me and the chubby mess i've turned into. She haunts & taunts me, reminding me of the girl who, yes, was depressed, but wasn't suicidal or thinking of a razor blade every 5 minutes.

I'd rather be depressed & numb than depressed & suicidal.

4 people had something to say about this:

Anonymous said...

Hey <3
I am 24, live in Dorset and am in recovery from anorexia, self harm and depression, so we have some stuff in common :) anyway, I came across your blog and couldn't read without replying. Last year I could have written that post. This year, no. This year I finally realised that anorexia is not the solution to anything, let alone depression and anxiety. It numbs them temporarily but makes them a hundred times worse in the long term. I know how hard this is, I really do - I was hospitalised for being suicidal a couple of years back and I am covered in permanent scars from self harm, but you know what? I haven't cut or burnt myself in two years now, I'm doing great in my recovery from anorexia and my mood is finally pretty much stable, after 15 years of depression. I don't even take medication - antidepressants just used to make me more suicidal and self destructive, so I had to learn to cope on my own. There is ALWAYS hope. Please don't give up.
Katie x

Susie said...

Thank you for sharing your positive story Katie.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Katie on this one. Things do get better, and there is no way of explaining how or why, but one day it really does happen. Susie you've come so far already, you could go back tomorrow if you wanted to, but there is no future there. There is however, a future for you in the other direction, but only if you want it. This comment sounds so empty. It's just terrible to identify with how you must be feeling, struggling, and that it really doesn't have to be that way.

Lola x

Susie said...

Its more a fear of going back to things before the ED rather than life without it as such.

hope you're ok.

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