Monday, 15 June 2009

And still i continue to eat......

Apologies for the absence but Susie Belle is back - well, just. By last night i could hardly walk, and this morning although my lower back and hips feel slightly better, its now my knees that are causing the most pain.

The weeks holiday wasn't very relaxing. I don't think we've ever done a holiday where we've just laid on the beach and sunbathed, but to be honest i don't think i could. I don't have the patience, i'd get far too bored.

Anyway despite taking oodles of fruit to snack on and rice cakes etc etc, i managed to gain weight! The major downfalls came on the last 2 days, when we visited 2 attractions that offered the chance to buy cakes and sweets, and also we were moored in a town centre which meant very easy access to shops. So on the friday at an old fashioned museum, when my hunger and cravings got the better of me, i bought 2 extra (secret) cakes to the one i had planned for afternoon tea/afternoon snack and then on saturday we visited Cadburys World.....

Oh dear...... free samples galore! A dairy milk caramel bar, a dairy milk bar, a curly wurly, a packet of dairy milk buttons and a 50ml pot full of molten milk chocolate with a snack/sweet of your choice. I thought the jelly babies would make it a bit too sweet, so i chose popcorn.

I didn't eat ALL of the samples, in fact before lunch i only had one of the packets of buttons. and after lunch i only had the 50ml pot thing from the Essence exhibition. But the came the gift shop....when buying a photo frame i also bought a roll/packet of chocolate eclairs and on the 2 and a half hour journey home ate the lot.....

Thing is despite wanting to cry and feeling horrendous and thoughts of self harm and suicide running through my head everyday, i still carry on eating. It is still mainly fruit for snacks, but i'm just not doing enough exercise to combat the food i'm eating. I know i said it flipantly about becoming obese but at this rate it really is heading that way.

Its almost like i just don't care though. It feels harder to fight the hunger than deal with feeling like crap and looking pregnant. Maybe i'm just to tired to care.

2 people had something to say about this:

Silly Girl said...

I feel you. I started on the road to recovery a few months ago. There are days I feel bad about my body. But I know deep down inside I am doing what is best for me. It is a hard struggle but I know you can do it. Good luck!!!

Susie said...

thank you.

I think the key when you're struggling is to take each day as it comes.

take care.

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