Dreaded DWP Medical

So the phone call came today, 6 months after i sent back their medical forms. I thought i'd escaped it, i thought it had been so long that it wasn't going to happen.

But no. In 2 weeks time i have the appointment i dread & fear, even more than seeing Dr L & TP who i refuse to see after last weeks appointment, was going to blog about it but i just can't even talk about it or think about it. Even trying to tell K 2 days later, i couldn't make words into a sentence to tell her what happen, although i had been distracted by something else i had seen on her computer screen about me. And the way i fell apart crying after i saw K means as much as i trust her and respect her, i can no longer see her either. Or in fact go down to the surgery at all, so that means no J, no susie - none of them ever again.

So anyway after i tried to hold it together for a bit and finished carving my little pumpkin, sitting using a knife when i really wanted to do something else with that knife, was all a bit too much. I went upstairs layed on my bed & sobbed for about half an hour. I think in the next 2 weeks there is going to be a lot of that.

I'm shit scared. What do i say? If i'm looking for full time work, then i'm fit to work, although everytime i react to an appointment like this, or even the thought of one in this case, i severly doubt whether this is a good idea. whether any of it is a good idea. I know i can't go on like this. Appointments are too distressing, so carrying on as though i'm fine is the only other option that sees my alive, and we all know where the other option sees me. Plus the hurt the other option will do to my family.

Oh shit, crying again. Can't afford to show mum how bad things are, because then she's really just going to say that getting a job is a bad idea, and i hardly seem to have her support as it is.

Am i fit to work full time? I've applied for jobs that are 30 & 35 hours a week.

The last time i had a DWP medical i was 2 stone lighter than this, so now not only am i applying for jobs to try and get away from this shitty benefits system, but i'm a fat cow too.

I need to stop thinking about this. I know on the day i'll fall apart under the pressure, but does that show i'm not fit to work? does that show i can't cope? What are they going to say to me?

Whats worse as usual is i will be all on my own, in a town i don't really know, an hour from home & then i will be driving down the motorway sobbing as usual, except this time it will take far longer for me to reach the safety of home than it normally would when i'm in that state, because i'm never more than 20 minutes from home.

Eating Out & Distraction

Its mum & D's anniversary today & mum wouldn't shut up about me not going out to dinner with them. So to keep her quiet (as usual) i relented and went. Now i severely wish i hadn't.

It started fine, but then D ordered a started and expected me to share it. It was 5 chunks of bread with oil, vinegar and salt for dipping. I said i didn't want a started but he kept offering it to me. I hate myself for it but i gave in. I only had the equivelent to about a large slice of bread, a bit of the vinegar and some salt. So i'd safe certainly no more than 200 kcal tops.

As a main i'd order a starter portion anyway, but as i was eating in all i could think was "the fat in this goats cheese" & "the oil in these dressings". Plus the rectangle of polenta had been fried, shallow not deep i think, but still greasy. And the veg had been oiled before roasting too. Why can't people cook anything without oil thesedays?

Then what really got me all over the place, was i saw Susie. Thankfully she was there with friends who weren't work collegues, so there wasn't anyone else who might have recognised me. My intention was to order a starter and then maybe have pudding later. But as soon as i saw her I didn't want to eat another thing. I felt so self conscious. Part of me wanted her to see me in heels, tight jeans and a lowish cut top rather than the state she normally sees me in when i need to see her. But all of a sudden i just wanted to get out of there. I didn't want pudding & luckily there wasn't anything i really fancied, but i didn't want to sit and linger like mum & D were either.

I was so distracted after i'm seen her. I don't know why. She knows me well, we get on, i trust her - she's totally lovely. So why did i freak out?

Food should have been too much of a worry. So far i'd had junst under 1000 kcal, so still had about the same again to go. Plus i'd been for a run before lunch which including the warm up & cool down too burnt 370 kcal according to my HRM. So even after the bread i still had 800 at least to go. Yet i couldn't eat anything more after my starter - which was my main course and i still can't now i'm home.

I don't want to eat out again. The way i felt after, the stress..... I came home and immediately changed into my PJs, i wiped the mascara, a rare bit of make-up, that i had applied. I needed to be be back in something where i couldn't feel the waistband digging into the flabby tyre around my waist and making the scars on my stomach so irritated that i just want to scratch and scratch. I didn't want to be in my own body or skin really.

I need to lose the tyre, yet still can't seem to. Powerplate, weights, running - nothing is working. I've given up on the metabolism-boosting-normal-amount-of-calories eating, and it's back to under 1200 if i can but certainly under 1500. Only 5 days until the london ED clinic now, hoping i get to seen the dietician on that day too.


Focusing on one thing really is an issue right now - 2 hours after starting this post i'm going to actually hit "publish post".

plan of action

i have a plan. a future plan that would see me in education from next january until at least september 2015.

I don't like telling people of my plan, because;

1. i get very over emotional because its something i really want to do.
2. i don't want people to laugh in my face because they think i have no hope in hell of achieving my dream.
3. i don't want to tell people i'm doing it then fail and disappoint everyone - not that i think i'm going to fail, but as we all know anything could happen.
4. i don't want people to assume that i'm absolutely fine and hunky dory, rather than just being determined to ignore the way i feel and the thoughts in my head.
   

yes suicide does still pass through my mind, as does self harm and there are still buckets of tears shed everyday. but i'm not happy with life now, if i was training in something i was interested and had a job i enjoyed, surely things would be different?

It will be a long slog to qualify because to even get to uni there are 2 course i have to do before hand.

The trouble is i'm not just focusing on the courses i want to do but all the financial shit that goes with it. You could say its a good thing that i'm looking at the whole picture and thinking of everything but the trouble is i get myself very stressed and worked up because i think there's that part of me that panic, because i don't know about money things like that, so will i have any money? How can i be a full time student and survive?

Although if i couldn't afford to eat that wouldn't be such an issue - i'd rather spend my money on petrol to get me places. Anyway going to the CAB this morning, see if they can help me understand.

In the meantime i'm still job hunting, but yesterday there was nothing i had experience or qualifications for on any of the job website which was around 20-25 hours a week. There was a full time job - 4 x 12hr night shifts (thursday - sunday) but although i'd have complete days off, it is 39hrs a week, so thats full time. I'm rather start with part time to ease myself in which could then let me do the first course which is one day a week from january, but hopefully still work and earn.

just keep looking i guess. After i'm been for a run of course.

"Raised Gluc"

On further inspection, during a calmer moment, i saw the comment on the blood form for the fasting test said

"Raised Gluc"

I've racked my brains trying to remember my order of events for that day. I saw J at 11am but before that i went for a run.

According to my running stats, i went for a 20 min run at 9.25am. So i wouldn't have got home until 10am which means by the time i'd had a shower, got dressed and dried my hair i wouldn't have had time to sit down and eat.

My food diary shows breakfast finishing with a Jordan bar which is my pre run carbs. then next thing in the food diary is a banana, which i either had after getting back from J, and i think this is more likely having just had bloods taken too.

So if my glucose was still high after a run - something is certainly wrong.

Its not all in my head

Postman's just been. Including a letter from J.

She wants me to have a fasting blood test, which means the normal blood test picked something up. I've never had to have a fasting blood test before. I wish i knew why she wanted me to have it. But i will have to wait 36 hours before i can either call or go to the surgery to find out.

I think i'd rather hear it from J than a receptionist.

part of me is concerned something is very wrong. Another part of me is releived that there may be a reason & an answer, & that its not just a case of me trying to get used to extra weight which is very unwelcome weight.

Have to wait until monday for the blood test too as the phlebotomy centre is only open monday to friday, but i shall be up there first thing as i want to get the results back as soon as i can.

I'm not sure how i feel now. not sure whether the relief or worry is stronger.

worst nightmare, almost

Mum turned her car upside down & wrote it off. Goodness knows how - she's the most cautious driver - she drives me mad as a passenger!

She's fine. But it stirred up so much shit, both past and present.

Have finally stopped crying after walking round the village in the dark sobbing and then coming home and spending half hour on the phone to the samaritans because the sad realisation is that i have no-one else to call. I tried M but the mobile was off (fair enough she works hard & all day light hours!) Doctors surgery closes at 6.30pm so an hour and a half to late there.

I flicked through my mobile phone contacts, but there really was no-one i could turn to. What i really wanted was some to just hold me while i sobbed, contemplated going to a neighbour but him and his wife where eating dinner when i walked past.

Samaritans i knew i could rely on. This was not the time to deal & get rid of unwanted emotions by self harm. Mum's fine other than a scratch on her hand (she says) - so i should be happy, not distraught.

I haven't eat dinner after a 500-600 calorie (approx) killer class at the gym where i worked my butt off and enjoyed - feeling guilty for enjoying it now when i know mum was upside down in a car at the time. Had a banana but can't eat anything else. 9pm already so doubt i will have a dinner as such.

Its been 2 hours since i found out. I'm still home alone and they still haven't called to say that the car has been retrieved and that they can leave the scene and come home.

And as if by magic.... they called 20-30 mins and they'll be home.

Glad i'm seeing M tomorrow i think i might be shedding a few more thousand tears.

Brain Swimming now Sinking

Bloods taken, results in a week.

Physio referal, wait and see.

Run though pain, just keep going. Must keep training.

Ice x3 daily, reduce inflamation which J confirmed.

Detail everything that passes my lips.

Detail all exercise.

Lose the extra weight - about 14lb/7kg.

Referal to London, hope it comes soon.

Appointment with TP & Dr L, dreading the looming nightmare situation.

Appointment with M tomorrow.

Hair appointment friday - DO NOT let mum pay!

Drop mum & D to airport early Saturday, go to D's work Saturday morning.

Survive 3 and a half days completely alone.

Get head around new staff at the surgery - a job that could have been mine if i hadn't got too close to the place. More new people who don't know or understand. Who's leaving to make room? Who am i going to have to get over leaving now?

Can i handle going to that place to see K anymore?

Keep up the volunteering.

Get a Job.

Keep the job.

Get some qualifications.

Earn some money.

Pay off debts.

Stay in control.

Stop crying.


GET A FUCKING GRIP!