Its a good job Santa not coming for another year, because ED would say i have all that time to make up for what a bad person i've been. My "grab the calories where i can" plan of action is continuing despite the odd outburst from ED, and i also still feel to ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone. I'm just worried its getting out of control.
Yesterday after one of my mini xmas cakes for lunch (i know i didn't have anything else but calorie wise that is more that i would have had for a "normal" lunch) for the second day running i was overcome by this "screw you ED" passion and went on the hunt for a slice of traditional, stodgy, bread pudding. Being NYE the one bakery i knew would have it was closed of course, and subsiquent bakeries were linked to chains and didn't sell it, as its more of a homemade item. I have to say when i arrived home, i was kind of relieved and ED seemed to be back in control.
But then before bed i got another burst. 4 mini chocolate bars later (320kcal) i took myself off to bed with an options hot chocolate (only another 30kcal) and a good idea that was too because it wasn't long before my brain started stressing over my "bad behaviour" as ED would describe it. ED then confirmed that this would not be continuing in the morning.
So this morning? "The pre breakfast calorie cram didn't really happen, ED - you're imagining it!!" says sensible. I'm not sure how i can imagine 2 mini chocolate bars, a clementine, another mini chocolate bar wrapped in a slice of bread and finally a cereal bar. Oh shit. i shouldn't have worked that out........ thats almost 500kcal. I wasn't freaking out but now i really am. Oh bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. Stupid Stupid Stupid. i knew this was getting out of hand.
but you see if i now restrict for the rest of the day, i will still have had more calories overall. thats the theory at least.
Ok, breakfast just went down the drain - literally. I just hope mum believes the "i had it already" story. She might given that its gone 9.30am. If needs i will tell the truth, but her lack of comprehension and understanding frustrates me too much to tell her.
i think a quick jump in the shower to show i'm getting up and time to pray for an active day!
Homophobia kills
8 years ago
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2 people had something to say about this:
Sounds like the heat is getting turned up that end. Bit worried, try and take care if yourself because ED won't be watching your back. Hope 2009 starts to get better for you.
Lola x
Thanks Lola. Things are totally out of control i think - at least in my brain they are!
And its ever since i banished the scales....but when i have the scales i keep the numbers down.
Hope you are ok too.
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