Sorry

Sorry I lied
Sorry I deceived
Sorry I brokes the rules.

Sorry I disappointed you
Sorry I caused problems,
Yet again.

I'm sorry for my actions
But I can't be sorry for the way I feel.

I can be responsible,
Regretful,  remorseful.
But I can't control, the intrusive thoughts.

I want to move forwards
But I also want to go back.

Back to the "chilled out",
To the relaxed, the happy,
The confident and strong.

He's taken my strength for now
But I know you are right
When you say I can't let him keep it.

I need to fight - not only the thoughts and feelings
But to regain control.

Control over my thoughts,
My actions,
My emotions,
My responses.

I don't think I'm reading too much into it,
To me, your comment meant a lot.
Unexpected but so meaningful
And said so genuinely.

It's something no one ever voiced so directly.
That's what I'm holding onto,
For now.

Will you promise me a maybe?

Will you promise me we can always talk?
Be open and honest with each other,
Laugh and joke?

Will you promise me that you'll always be there?
Even if I have to wait for you
Or search to find you?

Will you promise me that you will never hurt me?
Or at least warn me of the dangers that lie ahead,
With as much will that's within your power.

Will you promise me that if you see me again, you'll recognise me?
Remember our relationship as it was,
Then see it as something new.

Will you promise me something?

That one day,
Some day,
However long it takes,
That you'll hug me?
Embrace me?
Comfort me?

I know you can't give me those as promises for now,
But in the future,
Can that promise be a maybe?