I don't know what i'm thinking anymore.

Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying.

I also left K with a prescription for Carbamazepine, a low dose & only a 2 week supply. She asked me if i was likely to take the lot & right now i don't see the fucking point in anything, all my head is saying is "why not?"

I wouldn't show her my stomach which is probably the first time i've kept that back from her, but despite needing to stick myself back together with tape at least once a week at the moment, the damage there felt insignificant & i almost felt embarrassed to show her because it was so pathetic. Although i know if i hadn't taped the wounds back closed it would have been a different story & i also know that had i gone to see anyone about them to get treatment it would have been sutures. I;ve just gotten lazy & would rather it take a few more days to heal & stop bleeding completely than go through the effort of suturing right now. I just can't be bothered.

She asked me if i'd seen M & what her thoughts were & how she was. I questioned whether M had called her which i know she has done in the past when she has been concerned, but clearly M isn't that worried as K said she hadn't called. I said M was concerned that my weight was dropping. To which K said "Well you had got a bit chubby" i am now making sure that comment stays lodged in my head, afterall what else could be such great motivation to get me to move my arse at the gym & cut out any unnesseccary food? My BMI is now 20.5, so getting there but the chubby waist & stomach still need work. Why is it you lose weight from certain places first - for me its my chest/breasts and face, never the stomach, hips or thighs.

Starting college, getting this job on wednesday all seem pointless & like no hope. Mum & D go away friday for the weekend, in my head right now this would give me chance to do damage i want without being worried about being found out, i just worry i;m not in control enough not to go too far. I think this week is going to be a little risky, but nothing can go wrong before friday, otherwise mum won't get her weekend away.

I'm not seeing M until next tuesday - thats 7 days. I have 19 classes booked at the gym. Thats 19 hours to get rid of some of this weight, the stress of a meeting about benefits & also the job interview should shed some weight too hopefully.

Right now i want to cause damage, i need to cause damage. I want to give up, i;ve had enough.

But i still can't hurt mum or nan.

"Even if it is broken......

......there's nothing that can be done anyway, is there?"

That was my response to K this morning when she asked me if i wanted an x-ray of my hand. If i had made a better job of punching then perhaps & even though i am in pain, couldn't make a fist for her, flinched every time she touched the knuckle it still doesn't mean there is anything that can be done.

She said to strap it up & stick it in a sling, which isn't really possible when driving & certainly can't happen when i'm at home or at the gym - that will attract even more attention to it. Trying not to show that i can't really use it for the pain is hard enough, especially at the gym. Have had to cancel a class tonight. A, i feel exhausted & B can't make a fist to punch properly. Might have felt different if it was a certain instructor, but its not her so i'm not too bothered. Off to the gym for a class in a bit anyway, so i still get one in at least. Not that my heart rate monitor is working to tell me how hard i'm working, don't think it will be that much anyway the way i feel today.

Think a sleep might be needed this afternoon. Would rather sleep right now but need to get my lazy arse into gear & get changed. I know i need to take a couple of detours too on the way, so i really should move off the sofa.

But before i forget one last thing, K was talking about starting me on a mood stabiliser, to even out the low dips that happen every so often. Maybe its because things have been this way for so long, but there sadly feels like a little security in feeling like this. Sure it might be nice to feeling less depressed but whats the point of feeling less depressed if i have nothing to do - no job etc. Then i'd just be a less depressed exercise addict, yet functioning benefit cheat with no future prospects, rather than a depressed, exercise addict, self hating & harming, pathetic, state scrounging fraud of a person.

I think i'd better stop there & go to the gym.

Eating Disorder? Nah i'm not losing weight! (calorie details warning)

Yesterday was the London ED Unit appointment. Had to be there for 1pm so yesterday morning i got up, went for a 2 mile run and then left on my 2 hour journey (30 minute drive, 1 hour tube, 30 minute walk). Should have worn my HRM on my journey to see hour my very brisk power walking improved calorie burning. But i didn't so when i go back to the town where the car was i went the gym & did 45 minutes of weights & abs.

So do i have an Eating Disorder? well she didn't really say yesterday, although she didn't fob me off. My description of my diet & a 2-3 mile a day seemed to be enough. I failed to mention the hour in the gym that i also do 5 days a week.

I wonder what she would have thought of today. I want to tell someone because i feel so so proud, but then i also know its not something everyone would understand. I'm not even sure M would be on my side with this one. What i do know is i love my heart rate monitor!

So today's activities:

• at the gym for 8.10am, dump stuff in locker, change shoes
• 5 min walk warm up, Training of Run 15 mins, walk 5, run 15. During the training time i managed to cover 3.3 miles all good progress. 5 min walk cool down. (HRM: 405)
  
• The back to changing rooms, change shoes, have cereal bar, refill water bottle and go to first class.
• LBT class 50 mins (HRM: 317)
• Step class straight after (HRM: 423)

I left the gym on a complete high, no pain from injury & i felt alive. I think a great new step routine helped there. After than i had bits to do at home, mum was home off work, she's still not right after the car accident. Lots of washing (hmmm, some of which is still in the tumble drier....) and then off to teach someone about computers & the internet. So not overly active this afternoon but after burning over 1100 this morning i don't think i needed to be jumping up and down all the time.

As for the eating side, if i don't know exact calorie details i always make sure i over-estimate, so according to the food diary the final total with be 1300 by the time i go to bed.

Now if that regime doesn't lose me this spare tyre goodness knows what will. I know today was more extreme than normal, i mean calorie intake is normally around that, although we are going out for dinner tomorrow night so i'd better behave during the morning and at lunch! But exercise sessions normally total about 400 right now, although as running times increase that will too i guess.

But if i feel that good after 3 hours on a friday morning, i don't care. Makes me sad to think that as soon as i get a job i'll lose that. Guess it will just mean very early runs and evening classes to get the work done.

Confidentiality

This meeting is driving me insane. I had a good chat about it with M today. She offered to come to it - if i could get her an invite. But i'm still not sure i want to go myself. If i go i will spend the next 3 weeks stressing with no doubt more nightmares and on the day being the most horrendous person to live with, not want to be near anyone & then fall apart the next day because i will be trying my hardest to keep it together in front of mum & D.

If i don't go, however, i'm worried that things will be said & confidentiality will be broken without my permission. But if i make the decision that i am not going, now, then i won't have to stress for the next 3 weeks. If i don't go, i will find out my rights regarding confidentiality and then if mum & D come back knowing anything they shouldn't, i'll sue their arses off!

But even in the initial meeting back in january things were said that i didn't give them permission to divulge. I'd told Dr L during an appointment with her that Mum, D, Nan & Grandpa were the 4 reasons i was still alive & if they weren't around i really had no other reason. The depression has worn me down & if i hit a low patch & i was on my own then i don't think i'd see a rason to fight. I'm living my life for mum - which has often been said to me. Anyway Dr L came out with this before i could stop her back in january, and i can recall mentioning that i didn't want mum knowing when i was in my appointment with Dr L. So whether i'm there or not i think things will be said that i don't want said.

I think i need to find out my rights somehow, somewhere.




On the stressful/down side & in other news, M is refering me back to London to the ED unit. She she to refer me back to the unit generally so that i can see the dietician there. She thinks the guy there would be really good & might be able to help. My 2000 a day experiment has gained me nothing but 1.2kg in a week. Hippo-ness here i come! I want to just go back to restricting right this instant. But i can't just yet, i have to stick to 1800 to 2000 until i see the dietician, so i can show/prove that something is really wrong. I shouldn't gain on 2000 a day as it is, let alone with the amount of exercising & walking i do. M is baffled, hence the referal to the specialist again. I'm praying he will have an answer or suggestion but i'm dreading having to go to a place where there will be skinny women that will make me feel even more of a fat fraud.

Its hard enough leaving the house & finding clothes to wear that don't cling to me right now. I stood in the health food shop and cried today trying to decide on a snack to help me reach my 1800 target. It took me 10-15 mins in that shop to buy a simple Eat Natural bar. Its OK going to the gym because there are other people trying to fight the flab and it shows i'm trying my hardest to do something about it. No-one outsie the ED world really understands though. Afterall my BMI is 23.9 & still within the healthy range, so what am i so upset about? Only M truely knows what this is doing to me mentally. With the other issues too, i cried for about 75% of our hour & a half appointment today.

I am starting to think that unless i give in to the weight gain, i will have to live the rest of my life hungry.

Dear Dr L, TP & CMHT admin staff... (explicit language)

Why can't they just leave me alone? I was doing fine again until the letter arrived about the dreaded meeting. And then when mum phoned to tell them about their screw up, they sent me another one - Don't send me another, just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!

I know about the meeting so i don't need another letter, with a cover note, apologising for "any distress caused" You want to know about distress caused? I'll tell you. When i saw what it was i was fuming, the letter (and cover note) is now back in the envelope in little pieces. After taking my initial anger out on the pieces of paper, i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I felt like i wanted to cry forever, like i couldn't cry enough to get the feelings out. Previously harming is a way to stop the tears - but you are not worth causing damage to myself over. I will not bare scars that are connected to you any more. Scars are only worthy of feelings & emotions about issues that have nothing o do with any of you.

So i went upstairs and lay on my bed with my tears soaking my pillow, it wouldn't surprise me if the pillow is still damp now. I cried all the way to the supermarket & then all the way back home again as i had forgotten the shopping bags where i was in such a mess.

I will not be coming to your meeting, i am going to find out my rights over what you can say without my presence & if i find out my mother knows any details i have shared with you, then i shall be making a formal complaint.

Every week i saw TP my mood plummeted & the harm i caused due to the feelings i felt - i do not need that. The mere thought of seeing any of you drags my mood down instantly & i can't hide that from mum. I do not need you weakening my defences.

I never wish to see any of you ever again.

P.S Dr L, you really need to sort out that midlife crisis, faded red/orange dyed hair. You used to look respectable, now you and your red tights, short skirts and disastrous hair cut and colour look like mutton dressed as lamb. Its actually laughable but in a sad pathetic way not a funny one.

Cancellation Time

I am finally, after about 8 sessions, going to pluck up courage and cancel an appointment with TP. I think i have finally reached my limits. After last sessions loss of time and the response (or lack of) that i got about that issue this week has made me decide to put a stop. Seems kind of silly as it is the final assessment session before a shared meeting between me, mum, D, TP & Dr L (which i am not totally intending to attend, although as far as i know no-one's officially told us of this meeting), in 3 weeks time.

Anyway after last week, all the previous outbursts after sessions & then his comments saying he wasn't sure whether the sessions were the right thing for me & his questioning of whether i wanted to turn up for the final session - I've decided, after having bought something to stop the tears and regain control that i'm not going to let them control me - any of them. I don't want to do sessions for mum anymore.

I don't care about damage right now. I'm angry at TP for not telling me much about what went on last week, but i want to scream and shout at the top of my lungs how awful i feel. But i can't do that without upsetting or worrying others, so it will have to be our little secret.

I still feel bad about not wanting my life, but sat there today i wanted it even less. Alone in that room with him i could be honest, i didn't have to pretend which meant i could let go, but back in the real world i came home to find D already home, which meant i had to grab some things out of my room and leave the house, but with no appointments with the nurse and very little first aid kit left..............oh it turned into a failed (mini) mess. There's always tomorrow though - when i will NOT fail.

Time waiting vs Time seen.

3 appointments so far this week.

Time spent in waiting rooms (and library/randomly wandering around) = 100 minutes

Time spent talking to people in appointments = 95


Thats more time spent waiting that get issues solved! Ok perhaps i should justify that slightly.

Appointment 1, on Monday, was an emergency appointment to sovle a medical issue which i couldn't put up with any longer. Having been told to arrive at 6pm, i guess she was running later than she was when i got the appointment at 4pm, hence why i had to wait 50 minutes to see her. Sadly she had no magical cure and its still driving me mad tonight!!!

Appointment 2 was Terry Pratchett who finally turned up after 30 minutes. I know problems happen like getting blocked in by someone in a hospital car park, but when you know you need to be able to get somewhere later on in the day (i.e to my appointment) then don't park in a place where someone will block you in - or leave a note in your windscreen saying you need to leave at a certain time!)

Appointment 3 was today with M. Not her fault that the girl before my turned up half hour late (having mistaken they fact that her appointment would be between 2.30pm and 3pm - not as she took it to mean - starting anywhere between those 2 times!)
So being the kind, considerate, try-to-please-any/everybody sort of person i am i offered to wait. M said she'd girl the girl 5 mins and i thought it unlikely but came inside to wait anyway. When M reappeared (after the girl's mother had then appeared too) she asked me to wait 20 minutes, so i suggested i'd go to the library. Honestly i am more than happy to walk...... the fact that i've done 3 hours at the gym and haven't eaten a single thing yet today.......more reasons to move and be active is fine with me!

So there you are and i still have one more appointment to go on Friday with K. I'm first on her list at 8am so fingers crossed, unless she gets called to an emergency first thing (knowing my luck this week........) all should be ok & i should be to the gym on time.

I think i must either be A) very overweight or B) making it up because no-one actually seem to be bothered about my lack of food and enthusiam for exercise. So therefore, if it isn't bothering anyone then its absolutely FINE!!!!