Sorry

Sorry I lied
Sorry I deceived
Sorry I brokes the rules.

Sorry I disappointed you
Sorry I caused problems,
Yet again.

I'm sorry for my actions
But I can't be sorry for the way I feel.

I can be responsible,
Regretful,  remorseful.
But I can't control, the intrusive thoughts.

I want to move forwards
But I also want to go back.

Back to the "chilled out",
To the relaxed, the happy,
The confident and strong.

He's taken my strength for now
But I know you are right
When you say I can't let him keep it.

I need to fight - not only the thoughts and feelings
But to regain control.

Control over my thoughts,
My actions,
My emotions,
My responses.

I don't think I'm reading too much into it,
To me, your comment meant a lot.
Unexpected but so meaningful
And said so genuinely.

It's something no one ever voiced so directly.
That's what I'm holding onto,
For now.

Feeling human

I text my mentor earlier to let her know where to meet next week and also thank her for the session today as although it is her job I still wanted her to know I appreciate her time. I told her how I felt more human after the stresses and lows of the last 2 weeks,  but in doing so and thinking about it more and also on receiving her reply I realised that it possibly would be better to go back to how I have been managing. 

I left feeling a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, yet now,  7 hours on i just feel hurt, vulnerable, isolated and alone yet again.  I have barely cried in the last week but after a human, non-serious conversation this afternoon which felt fine, in fact I actually felt relaxed for once, while we were together during the session - I have now spent all evening rereading the reply to my text and wishing partly that I hadn't let her in because yet I feel like that scared, lost and lonely girl who just wants some comfort. 

I know that is not her role and I'm so conscious these days of not over stepping the boundaries after a teenage catalogue of disasters over issues like that. But at the same time that screwed up side of me is reappearing longing for physical comfort and someone to talk to and share my tears with.

This course is making me question whether my past has been resolved or whether the past 2 seemingly successful years have been a lie, ignoring a flaw within me that I will never escape.

Maybe this occupational health doctor is right to want a psych assessment of me?  Or maybe I've just let him put too much doubt in my mind. I do feel though that old insecurities are creeping back in but if I let anyone know it could spell the end of my journey and yet again I will viewed as the messed up little girl who can't let go or move on and is incapable of leading a 'normal' life.

Benefits Cuts

Its on the news constantly and it's really starting to worry me.

Heard them say on the BBC this morning that if people can work & then turn jobs down they will lose benefits.

This terrifies me. I really want to make sure the job i get is a longer term thing. I down want to be in a situation where the risk of me relapsing again.

I'd like to be able to train & get myself into the emergency services. Its what i've dreamed of since i was 17 and seeing Paramedics on stand by in london & them speeding past on blues.......*sigh*

I've been asking around the EMS bloggers and getting advice, but i still just don't know how to go about it. I just have this horrible feeling that if i ask for help, that people with either laugh or just give me a sad, pittying look because they don't think i will be able to cope mentally or even be considered or accepted onto a training course or a training position because of my mental health history.

I'm stronger than i've ever been & i need that something, that dream to help me stay strong and grow stronger. Neither i or anyone else will know unless i try, and get that chance to try.

Stop Pushing

M pushes and pushes. She won't let it go.

"I'll book you in for tuesday"

"Are you sure?" (forced laugh) "What about the weather?"

"Yes, well...... I'll book you in anyway"

"I..... I just don't feel justified in seeing you any more"

I don't want to see you (or anyone) anymore

Long conversation regarding situations after anorexia, and at the end?

"So I'll see you on tuesday all being well."

Cue tears from Susie.

Mission complete

After lots of tears, changing my mind about 6 times and in fact having to go back to the doctors again after my appointment - i have got rid of all sharps. Thank you to J for making me realise that if i'm going to do this i need to do it properly.

"Think Green" is my new motto.

Now i'm going to get a hot chocolate, go to bed, put "I'm a celebrity" on and cry until i get this emotional roller coaster of a day out of my system. Perhaps a little hand written diary writing too.

"It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life, for me......"

"And i'm feelin' good"


So maybe the last part of the song isn't technically true. If anything i'm shitting myself right now! (excuse the language)

I had a bit of a clear out this morning. 2 drawers in particular containing all things dangerous and harmful. The chemicals, razors, tatty bandages, half an odd tablet and other bits and pieces are all in the bin - not just the bin in my room but bagged up and in the wheely bin. Old bits of paper, letters and other boxes are in the recycle bin. Confidential & named documents and letters are shredded.

I did keep lots of get well cards, letters by and from my old GP - yes, there are still some things from my past i can't let go of & she was such a bit part and so, so good to me, going beyond the call of duty, as they all have done at that surgery over the last 13 years (watch out blubbering Susie about!). I really wish there was something i could give them or do for them. Which i guess brings me onto part of the reasons for todays actions.

I've been watching a programme on TV of a morning whilst forcing myself to eat some kind of breakfast, which has reminded me of the career i wanted to do when i was 15/16, and gave up on over the last 3 years. But after speaking (well, emailing) someone already in that profession, he's given me a spark of hope that i may have a chance, if i get myself together mentally.

A huge part of be is terrified that i'm getting my hopes up and because of my history i will have no chance (although as my email buddy said, having life experience can bring so much more to the job), and if i then find out later on that i really do have no chance then i'm petrified of how i will react and deal with the fact that it is not an option and never will be. If i know that down the line, even if they said 3 years self harm free & stable - i would at least know i had a goal to work towards. My email buddy said he actually had to state that he was taking an anti-depressant to help him though the final stages of his previous career, which he was struggling with and not enjoying - and he obviously got accepted. So maybe there is hope.

The other thing which i guess often goes through my mind, is my Nan. (Hold on i've started crying already, need to grab some tissues) Right, stay composed, Susie! Nan will be 80 next year, and everytime i see her, it kind of hits me how old she is and how she won't last forever, despite being i very good health. (I can't see what i'm typing!! More tissues needed!) And i'm her only grandchild, she means the world to me and i want to make her proud. i know she's probably say there were things she was proud of me for anyway, but i want to achieve something that she could be truely proud of. Obviously the same applies to mum but i have a limited timescale with Nan if i'm realistic.

I am truely petrified right now, as once again i'm at that stage where life feels very uncertain. I terrified someone will tell me i have no chance of this career, in which case i feel like i will be working had on life for zilch.

If i have to deal with this by being in the gym constantly, or going to the gym more that perhaps i should instead of self harming, then maybe for the moment that is the way to go. After 11 years of self harming, and still managing 2 open wounds which are unlikely to heal for at least another month, it's not going to be easy to leave behind, just like that. As K said, some of the time its almost like an addiction (Luckily i have a GP who's special interest is addictions, not necessarily self harm but generally more drink and drugs, but at least there is a slight correlation between the issues).

I have a feeling there are going to be a lot more tears to come, but to avoid them this afternoon i'm heading to the safety of D's work, possibly to do some mindless envelope stuffing (i shouldn't be able to screw that up!). However i think the tears will be back a plenty tonight when i see J to get some non-itchy dressings (before i itch my skin off - plus i haven't actually got enough from the hospital anyway), because i am also taking with me some sharps i bought only last week, but i know they have to go and i do like to try and be responsible in disposing of things!

Part of me was saying that i could carry on harming and just not tell anyone - No-one would know. Although with people i trust i do have problems lying. For some reason i just can't be dishonest. Maybe it because of all the things they've gone out of their way to do for me over the years, and the fact that they could probably tell i was lying after knowing me for 13 years!!

So tomorrow is day 1. No more scars, no more blood, no more burns. A new start.



(or at least thats the theory.........)

Why can't i stop?

Is it

• boredom?
• tiredness?
• thirst?
• stress?
• loneliness?
• screwed up body signals?
• depression?
• or true hunger?

why can't i stop eating?!

I get up and i feel hungry. I eat breakfast, kind of, with couple of extras & go to work. I wish away for the hours and look forwards to lunch time, but then lunch time never seems to end because the hunger never goes away..... I will the time away so its dinner time & i can stop trying to be good, sticking to low calorie snacks (dutch crisp bakes, fruit & mini milks!) and have a full meal. If i ate something higher calorie every time i was hungry, then my fear over going overweight really will turn into a reality, if it isn't already!

I'm too scared to know what i weight & am comtemplating a blind weigh in on wednesday, but then i'm also so scared i've gone overweight. I want to know and make sure i'm not still gaining weight. Not that i seem to have enough energy yet to do anything much if i am, & since this weekend all i've felt like i've wanted to do is comfort eat, things aren't looking too positive. Last night i went to bed to watch shooting stars on BBC iplayer......with a small pack of cadburys chocolate buttons!

Selfish or sensible?

A blog came through my RSS feed this morning that (for some reason) I'd subscribed to recently by another girl/young woman, in the UK who has an eating disorder. It was a pretty general post but the content and photos left me feeling almost angry, or perhaps now i think of it, jealous.

I've come to the conclusion that i do not want to read or see photos of suffers who are underweight. I have never posted photos of myself when i was at a very low weight here mainly because i looked so horrendous but of course also to try and keep my anonymity. But even in places where i am open and myself, i have only recently posted photos of myself, now that i am a healthy weight, only if they don't show my protruding stomach which is where the weight has decided to position itself right now. Looking at this photo made me want to comment on the blog.

"Why would post a photo of yourself when you look like a dress with 2 sticks for arms and 2 sticks for legs?!"

"You say you want to recover, yet you talk about doing great periods of exercise & still wanting increase that exercise. Looking at the photo, you should be on bed rest!"

My immediate reaction was anger, in that the person didn't really want to recover (which i guess is a very possible underlying truth) and that i wanted to scream "I've done it so why can't you??!!!"

But then when i started typing this post and tried to identify my anger (too much therapy over that last 10 years, i could get a job as one myself these days!) i began to question the anger. Was it anger or was it jealous? Was i jealous that she still had the power and self control over food? That she was able to keep her weight low? Where as i now just enjoy food too much.....

I wanted to say "you can just start eating again" but the tried to remember how i felt when i was that weight. I wanted to start eating again but there was this invisible force that stopped me and forced me to tears instead. I tried to recall all those people who didn't understand me and didn't comprehend how i supposedly (and honestly) had no appetite. If someone one had told me to just eat another apple or even try a banana, i know that all i could say to them would be "Its not that easy." and carry on crying inside.

I feel guilty for feeling this way, i feel like i'm not being understanding of their situation, which seems ridiculous when i've been there for the last 3 years. It also almost reiterates my feelings of being a fraud and a fake. Something in my mind says "If you feel this way and can't show any empathy then maybe you weren't really anorexic. After all you were only underweight for 3 years and only got help for 2 years of that. You weren't a proper anorexic". The fact that i reached a critical BMI of 12 doesn't seem to feature now that those digits are reversed (yep, from 12 to 21 in about 4/5 months!).

I'm not saying when you start eating again (like a bull in a china shop) that its plain sailing, for the first couple of months i was convinced i was going to kill myself because i felt so out of control. My self harm escalated again, not to the state that it had been before the eating disorder, however the fact that it had become at least weekly again was a sign of the struggle (not that i told anyone about that until last week). But i really do believe if you ever do feel that urge to just eat, find some support and just go for it, because once you awaken your appetite although its terrifying and feels like it will never stop, it does settle down. 5 months ago i was sobbing, asking people how long it would take, wishing i'd never started eating again, but i know it was the best thing to happen. I really would love to post a photo of my progress but i really don't think i can do it without revealing some clues to my identity. I'll have to work out a way of tracing my outline and posting that rather than the actual photo!

Anyway its breakfast time (well, once mum & D get downstairs), its the weekend & i fancy pancakes!!!! Its been so long since i had sweet pancakes, possibly not for the last 3 years at least! And my 2 attempts at buckwheat pancakes for dinner don't count! No lemon juice but i do have limes in the fridge, and i'm still debating between sweetner & sugar (actually i have some light sugar which is half sweetner and half sugar) some old habits are still hard to break.

I hope everyone is well & Lola, can you see through the boxes yet?!

take care,

Susie
xxx

Mrs Blobby

The tyre around my waist is getting bigger. i'm sure its not just a warped ED biased view. How can it be when you have lost all sight of your hip bones? I mean as much as i like them sticking out, i know thats not healthy but i would still like to know they are there lost under a mass of fat. I think mum has finally realised how much this is upsetting me.

I got all the bread pudding i'd frozen out of the freezer and was about to chuck it away. I got the usual "don't be silly" remarks because after all thats all i ever am isn't it? silly. She put it all back in the freezer saying "D will eat it" except D is trying to lose weight so no he won't.

For the last 3 nights and also when i neededa sleep during the day yesterday, i have cried myself to sleep. i guess i'm in mourning. Mourning the loss of my former body, the loss of my hip bones, the loss of feeling comfortable. because its gone past that middle ground and i'm heading towards the other end of the scale. I don't know how far up that scale i've gone, i daren't look. I'm too terrified to know and i'm not having anyone else know either.

I certainly don't think i can call myself anorexic anymore.

Midnight Snack

I've had that bingeing feeling for the last 24 hours now. it was worse last night but that was because i was fighting it. it was whole cakes, whole pizzas, whole easter eggs etc etc in my thoughts last night.

ok so the whole cake didn't happen but cake did and more than one slice. (2 bread pudding and one carrot cake)

and then a bagel and then dinner out at the pub (2 small/starter plates - nachos and thai crab cakes) and then i was still hungry when i got home so i tried cereal to fill me up with extra raisins and a banana, but then about 1/2 dozen mini chocolate bars "happened" in between and then i thought i'd see if savoury would shut my brain up, which it did but only after the 2nd slice with edam cheese on it......

that all finished about 11 pm. it's now 1.30am and i feel like i haven't slept at all. Despite still being a bit bloated i still feel hungry so have opted for a cereal bar. is it good to eat when you wake like this?

but i still feel i want more

what do i do?

mind you i don't know how long it will be before i freak out again and restrict again. i just wish i could sleep.

the cereal bar has helped but i feel like i want some more. i'm tempted for a small bowl of cereal with raisins and a glass of milk too.

I'm just praying mum doesn't wake and come down. I almost feel to tired to be ashamed right now though. And too sad and fed up with all this to care. But maybe it would show her how desperate i am. Tought bit is getting the cereal and pouring it silently....i managed the cereal bar out of the box though. Only one way to find out i guess.

More sneaking around. Oh no. D's started snoring, thats bound to wake mum up!

Its that time of day where i feel like if i were catholic i should be going to confession.

Forgive me Father for other than breakfast (large bowl of cereal), lunch (sandwich, cake and fruit) and dinner (jacket potato, cottage cheese, salad and cake), today i have eaten......

• 1 Bournville chocolate bar
• 1 slice of bread and flora extra light
• 1 large bowl of cereal
• 1 banana
• 1 whole bunch grapes
• 1 McDonalds Cheeseburger
• 2 Fudge Mini bars
• 1 Dairy Milk Mini bar
• another banana
• and by the end of the night 95g dried fruit.

And hopefully thats it.

Saw M today. "you're doing the right thing" Because thats why i feel like i'm about to self destruct, thats why my thighs are black and blue because my belt buckle 'landed' there (repeatedly) this afternoon, thats why i ran away to brighton. "i'd expect you to feel like this" Is that supposed to reassure me?

Apparently my gain of 5.2kg isn't noticeable (in which case you may as well lose it again - shut up brain!) to M either just like K. I told her what i'd been scoffing and she said calorie wise an inpatient meal plan would be more than what i was eating. Maybe i have lost perspective of how much a normal person eats and what a normal diet is, but i'm pretty sure the past couple of weeks food that i've eaten ISN'T normal.

I confessed about fixing my weight with fluid the last time i saw her, but it became clear (as i thought) that had she seen that i'd lost more weight that week, she would have found a bed where ever she could and would have had me sectioned if i didn't agree which i wouldn't have. She said that the place i'm in, is when most people ask for an inpatient stay, which until she said about the meal plan being greater than my intake of cakes and chocolate, i was willing to ask for. Now, and having explained all this to mum, I'm not so sure, and neither is mum.

I hope the way today has made me feel, together with my feelings for my appointment with K yesterday, will help me to regain control. Today i managed to stick with grapes (mum's suggestion) rather than the dolly mixtures i was craving (but luckily didn't find in tesco although i could have gone to the old fashioned sweet shop round the corner!) so maybe this is the start of good things. M also said at my current rate of eating the weight gain would probably plateau, which felt like no great shame! So....... if i regain some structure and cut back on the snacking.....oh and do some more exercise........bye bye Recovery! Like anorexia you weren't invited either! certainly not in the way you've made yourself known.

Tomorrow i plan to cycle to the town, to go to the local market, and plan to take my laptop (if it fits in the rucksack and i can cycle with it) and after getting some grapes from the market and the local paper, the plan is to keep my backside in that library. I shall not be taking money for anything other than the grapes and paper, therefore there shouldn't be any temptation to buy and eat anything else. i might take money for a drink but i will take a sandwich and fruit from home.

Have i let anorexia back in? or did it never leave? Did i ever start the process they call recovery? What was the last 11 days? I don't know but i don't like it. And i wish i could snap my fingers and change things back to the way they were. I know it would be disappointing to mum but i'm sure she'd rather that than me so unstable again that i'm scared of myself.

I feel like i have more control tonight. After that final snack of dried fruit (which i won't be doing again like that, although i may buy the kiddies snack boxes - maybe it is just another passing craving) tonight, i could happily eat another bag but i have that strength and willpower. i just hope i can stay in control like this tomorrow, because i feel more stable and a lot calmer.

"Dare to be Normal"

K asked me today what will happen when the time comes that i am expected to live a normal life. So it seems now my mood has lifted a bit and i'm eating enough, that this means i'm ok.

i walked back feeling like i could quite happily go home and either OD or slash my arms to bits. Not thoughts i want to go back to. I had to bring myself back from the edge of compulsive actions and remind myself how disappointed mum would be. I just felt so angry.

Then of course i got home and wanted to comfort eat. Stuck to a banana, finished the bag of fruit mix and have just had a bowl of cereal. i wanted to go down to the tea room for a huge slice of cake, stopping off for a couple of chocolate bars at the co-op. I must remember COMFORT EATING WILL NOT HELP! Am still hungry though. Another bowl of cereal should shut the brain up. I fancy branflakes and a banana now. Tearoom has closed by now (4.30pm) anyway. i think i shall be going out to buy more milk tomorrow. Think i should get a 2 pint of skimmed for mum and especially me the rate i'm getting through it.

Oh and the sore throat is due to an ulcer there. I'm guessing the scratch from the baguette a week ago turned into the ulcer. The one from the weekend under my tongue is taking its time to heal too. oh well my own fault i guess, malnutrition was going to take its toll somewhere and apparently the lining of the mouth is very quick to lose its condition.

Now where's that cereal...........

too much? too little? where's the middle ground?

I think i may be close to finding it. Today is the most successful morning i've had, all i need to do is continue it until i go to sleep tonight.

Food wise, i'm talking about here.

• 2 large bowls of cereal (1 tesco healthy living museli and branflakes, the other tesco healthy living museli and maple and pecan crunch)
• an apple
• a banana
• half of one of my 95g portions of dried fruit.

wow! Nope, i lie. i had 2 squares of dark cooking chocolate - it's ok there's only about 4 squares left now.

I cycled a total of 18 miles this morning, with a couple if hills i had to push the bike up. My thighs aren't quite that strong yet. i went to a supermarket to get a pot noodle (to cross off my craving list) and picked up a bunch of soft ripe bananas too because the apple hurt my throat quite a bit this morning and i can't eat citrus right now because the acid causes even worse pain. Anorexia is still there with me i guess, or could i class a bike ride to counteract something more unhealthy not as disordered eating but as healthy living?

A strange thing happen while i was sitting eating my fruit mix and banana at tesco. This little old indian lady, whose english wasn't brilliant, asked me how much i weighed. when i boldly said i didn't know as i was recovering from anorexia, i'm not sure she understood me, or if she did i'm not sure she grasped the concept of anorexia as she continued to ask questions. she said she was losing weight and it was almost like she wasn't sure how much she should weigh. Maybe it was the language barrier but some of the questions really sounded like they were coming from someone with an eating disorder.

"Do you think you are slimmer than me?" she asked me. Well, no i didn't but then i haven't got a clue how distorted my views of size are any more. Then her taxi arrived and without another word she followed the driver who had picked up her shopping for her.

A most bizarre conversation.

oh well. i'm off to see if chicken and mushroom pot noodles are how i remember them.

Truths and Tears

Lots of words said between me and mum last night. She still doesn't seem to appreciate how much distress last week caused me with my out of control appetite. She said i look like i have a bum now!

So after yesterdays diet "the old way" (apart from 3 mini choccie bars after the arguments/heated discussion) i'm trying again with the "eat what/when i want" and actually i've had a mini choc bar, a hot cross bun, some cheese and a bowl of porridge and you know what i feel like i can stop. The niggeling feeling is still there but it's managable. I hope.

Anyway i need to get off my backside and go and see the Boss Man at the farm, who i expect will now let me work. At least i hope he will. Might have to stop off at the local farm shop to see if they have anything on my list of cravings just so i can cross them off.... any excuse!

oh and my weight did settle down a bit, only a lb but i think it shows it will take a while to even out after a week of stuffing myself.

Anyone got anything they think i should try or add to my "to eat" list?

Backdated - Wednesday 15th, First day by the sea.

Well it seems old habits die hard. I stopped at the services on the way down, needing a drink. Of course as calories no longer matter i thought i might try something other than a diet coke. Hmmm, ok so maybe calories do still matter. Over 300kcal for a bottle of Mars milkshake type drink. I found i wasn’t really willing to go with that yet (or ever i think!) so i settled with a diet Irun Bru and bought an apple to. That was after a breakfast of a huge bowl of Branflakes and Maple and Pecan Crunch, and the a Slice of toast.

I stopped at Tescos to pick up some salad bits, and left with a 150g bag of dried baby figs too. So quite controlled i think.

Made it to the Fish place/shop and got myself a cooked crab for dinner.

Had a coleslaw sandwich for lunch with some cucumber in there too and a mandarin to finish.

I got my family history research out and we all spent a good few hours looking at bit and grandpa bought out and old writing desk and some old coins dating back to 1797!!!

While i was sat there i could hear anprexia calling. “you’re eating all these extra calories and sitting on your arse getting fat...MOVE!”

So i decided to go for a walk. I walked down one hill and up the other side. Found my way to a Forfars Bakers – they had my obsession – Bread pudding! So i decided to take that back for my afternoon snack. But knew i couldn’t go out on my own without having more than one thing. So ended up walking back with a Toffee Crisp. Anorexia was with when i was chosing the chocolate bar. Double Decker? Yorkie? Lion? More calories in a Yorkie, shouldn’t have that.

Hmmm oh well, i guess i shouldn’t have thought i’d lose my tag along over night. I did think it was a bit to good to be true.

Anyway i should go and get my dinner ready – only 5.30 but they eat earlier that us at home.

Grandpa is pushing things a bit but i think i’m fending him off quite well.

Back to the old routine?

I got on the scales this morning to see how my new "diet" had affected things, can you believe i almost forgot to do it! In 10 days i've gained 10lb. Thats a pound a day!! I think thats a little too fast. Things have got to change. Either i do a heck of a lot more exercise, or i cut back on the food. I think the food is more the issue, i need to somehow gain more control.

But i'm running out of ideas. I've tried going with cereals and wholegrain stuff as is suggested with the GI index. I've tried dried fruit to fill me but it just takes at least 250g of the stuff to do so and i know thats healthier but its still so high in calories (ok i know thats not a bad thing but i think anorexia is fighting back here).

My current weight puts my BMI at 14.4 which is almost reassuring to my anorexic side but then that also sets off thoughts in my brain that say its still ok to eat more, but then anorexia bites back and pulls me back into line.

I really can't deal with whats going on in my head. I cried myself to sleep last night as i lay there with thoughts of self harm that were so distressing, and the thing is i'm scared i'm going to carry them out before long through sheer desperation at trying to handle the conflict in my head.

hopefully we'll go for a bike ride this morning, maybe that will clear my head and my conscience a bit. All i've got to do is make sure that if i work up an appetite that i keep in under control. Fingers crossed, and maybe my incredibly sore throat will help althought it didn't stop me last night!

This Little Piggy......

Well i'm home after my trip to the seaside, after a pretty disasterous final day. Maybe i can put it down to the stress of knowing that running away for a few days, 95 miles away won't solve the issue. I had no web access down there due to staying with a couple who push their technology skills to a DVD player and digital TV at the most, but then its just a generational thing really. Anyway i typed up a post and saved it to my laptop so i'll find that later and put it up.

But to today. Dare i list todays food list? If you don't like tales of greed i suggest you stop reading here because this little piggy really went to market again today.

Well it started at about 6.15am with about 4 chocolates (grandpa opened the packet last night and i wish he hadn't), then after a drink i continued with a Mandarin. Before breakfast i popped out to get grandpa's paper as his knee was hurting him, and came back with the paper.........and stashed in my bag a double decker, a small packet of Dolly Mixtures (both childhood favourites) oh and the empty wrapper from the ginger bread man i had munched down on the way back from getting the newspaper.

So then i had a large bowl of cereal for breakfast (a mix of museli, fruit and fibre and some other mixture they had in a jar) before setting off to get the shellfish for Nan's birthday lunch. On the way to the fishmonger i devoured the double decker, which was just as good as i remember and as i set off back home i opened the dolly mixtures. But of course this just didn't touch the sides, so i stopped at a tescos express and decided on a chicken caesar wrap. What i really fancied was something like a hot cheese and onion pasty, but sadly there was nothing hot there. Also on the way home i stopped off at the Walk In Centre/A and E because my throat was so sore by this time that swallowing liquid was painful, but this couldn't match the power of the hunger. With all the ulcers in my mouth now (i think it's one ulcer and the rest is just where I've managed to bite my own cheek) Nan suggested that maybe my throat had gone the same way but the doctor said he couldn't see any sign of infection but that it did look inflamed. It feels like I've been trying a career as a flame thrower personally. But he gave me a prescription for a spray (which i have to say has so little affect i may as well not bother!)

So of course after getting back with the crab and bits, i had to go for a walk to find a chemist for the spray. Could i manage to go past the shop without going in there? Don't be silly. In fact i had to go further on (up a steep hill) to the 2nd chemist because the 1st didn't stock the spray. By going to the 2nd chemist I passed the bakery.......where i got myself a piece of bread pudding. Forget wine connoisseurs, i could be a bread pudding connoisseur! but then i decided i wanted something savoury, so got a warm cheese straw. Which i ate on the walk back.

Before lunch i felt like i needed to walk some of the bloatedness off, or i was worried i wouldn't be able to eat enough of lunch to hide the fact that i'd already eaten a lot more than just the bowl of cereal. So i took a walk into town for a couple of hours but on my way back to the bus stop spotted a pack of 6 chocolates that were half price, very nice ginger and caramel chocolates. I mean i could have bought the pack of 2 mini ginger and lemon slabs that were the same price in the sale, but i decided to spend the same amount of money on less chocolate so i would only be able to eat those six instead of 2 mini slabs. I put them in my bag for after lunch.

For our late lunch we had a seafood platter with bread and salad. I'm sure i ate more than everyone else, which for me included 2 slices of bread, 2 scallops, 3/4 large tiger prawns, a smoked trout fillet, a few mussels and clams and some salad. Finally after that i was feeling tired and slugish but more importantly full. However by the time it came to the drive home that full feeling was subsiding. I "tidied up" 1/2 an apple as otherwise it would have just been put in the compost bin, we packed the cars and headed off. I did fel sad leaving but i think a lot of my anxiety was about returning home, knowing that these 3 days away didn't help much in the way of stopping me from over eating. So i used my 6 chocolates to calm my anxiety as i left the coast heading north. But by half was where i stopped for a quick break my mouth was dry, i needed a drink and left the shop with a couple of bottles of drink.......and a Yorkie bar, which got me through the final hour of my journey.

Back at home, the tears and stress have started already. Mum doesn't know what to say or do. I feel like i'm being so greedy in what i'm eating. But since i've been home tonight i've had a mandarin, a large bowl of cereal, a toasted hot cross bun and a couple of slices of bread and low fat spread (which i also had on my bun). I just about finally feel full (ish) but i guess tired more than anything else, as it's been another stressful day and i haven't slept perfectly well the last couple of nights.

I don't know how i'm going to cope now i'm back home. I'm so tired emotionally i almost can't be bothered to fight the hunger, but it really isn't much fun eating something you should enjoy, whilst crying because you hate yourself so much for doing it and wish you could have a bit more self control. Mum thinks i should talk to M, but for some reason i just can't see she's going to have anything helpful to say. And i think K will be just the same on Tuesday.

Despite my throat feeling like i'm swallowing a razor blade (one thing i haven't actually ever tried suprisingly given my history) every time i swallow, i could still happily go downstairs now and find myself some chocolate. I'm so glad we don't have very big stocks of things like chocolate. And frustratingly i can't even really use lots of mandarins to shut my brain up and keep it occupied as i discovered tonight that the acid in them makes my throat even worse.

Chocolate doesn't though..................

Reassurance from other bloggers

Carrie over at ED Bites has posted something which contained words i really need to hear right now in a post about avoiding false choices

"I never eat cookies because I will eat the whole box.
I've been there. When I was first normalizing my eating after falling into more bulimic habits, I found that, indeed, keeping large quantities of binge foods around the house was a really bad idea. But now I can keep these foods around and eat fairly normal servings. It's not an either/or question. A happy medium exists. It takes time to figure this out, but it's definitely possible."


I feel fat as ever this morning, my cheeks feel like hamster pouches, my stomach feels like i'm pregnant and i'm actually too scared to get on the scales. i just want to hug mum and hang on forever but if i show her that side she just tells me "no-ones forcing you to go" which really doesn't help matters. Just because i'm crying doesn't mean i feel i'm being forced.
But sitting here crying now because i don't want to go means I need to remind myself of what happens when mum and D have left and gone to work and what happens if i'm on my own right now. I mean it was happening at 11pm last night with them in the house! I NEED to do this. even if i cry all the way there. Its going to be radio blasting and foot on the accelerator and i hope it works out.

I've got to give it a try. but first i need to make it in and out the supermarket to get my salad bits for dinner WITHOUT buying and eating a packet of hot cross buns for example. Self Control. I don't really need 6 hot cross buns! I don't need to buy the easter egg just because it is reduced to clear! Normal Eating is the aim of this weekend. One cake a day, thats all most normal people would have.

i need to get moving and get in the shower. wish me luck.

Still Hungry :(

after all this today:

• cereal - bowl of branflakes and maple and pecan crunch
• 1 mandarin
• chocolate rice crispy bar
• 6 goats cheese baby bel
• bread pudding
• tuna and sweetcorn baguette (this size)
• more bread pudding
• large greek salad with feta
• 3 mandarin
• chomp bar
• 4 opal fruit/starburst

oh i missed out 3 choccie eggs from thortons - creme egg sized 1, 2, & 3


AND I'M STILL HUNGRY! AGGGGHHHHH

i need to get a drink, dinner was quite salty and i thiknk its made me extra thirsty but i know i won't manage it without eating something. i think i'm going to grab a pear. if i decide up here i might stand a chance of not raiding the chocolate tin!

This is just far too much stress, so i'm running away to Nan's otherwise i will end up killing myself (and i'm not kidding!) or at least start cutting a lot more again. And at this rate it would be every couple of hours! I'm hoping with constant company and supervision i will stick to my "normal" meal plan. i just need to make it clear to nan that i need to stick to the plan i've typed up but i need her help to stick to it and not go over it. I don't think right now theres a fear of going under it!

its gone from one extreme to the other! i hope its not side effects from meds because if it is then its not going to go away......


Edit: dammit mum was still downstairs and in the lounge with the fruit bowl (sounds like cluedo!). glass of milk and 4 pack starburst again - oopps

Edit 2: so much for the pear - pear, chomp, mini curly wurly and mini dairy milk... i've really had enough of fightin me today....

Back on the Waggon

I wish i knew what was going on in my head. I foolishly got on the scales this morning, not a huge increase but any increase still sends messages to my brain like red alert signals.

I cried when mum left for work - panic about being alone and how i was going to get through the day i think. But then something snapped inside again and i got myself a bowl of branflakes and maple and pecan cereal with milk, something i haven't done in years. Trouble was then i'd started the appetite off and wanted more and more. So i had a mandarin to try and combat the hunger without going into binge mode, yet when i went to make a drink i still couldn't resist a cereal bar.....grrrrr.

i wanted to try and make it a day of normal meals and snacks. i guess if i counted the cereal bar as a snack and just say i had it early? Hmmm, does that make me sound like i'm kidding myself? If i'm kidding myself does that mean i can have another snack when i'm out mid morning? STOP IT!!!

see this is what i'm battling in my head right now. But while i'm still so under weight can i afford to just let go a bit until i've gained the 2 stone i need to? will it sort itself out more once i've gained the weight?

i hope so because i'm not sure how else to deal with this. Perhaps staying with Nan is the right option. I'd be with someone 24/7 at least.