I don't know what i'm thinking anymore.

Saw K today & left feeling worse than i did before i went in. I knew i should have left when time was getting tight, although i did still manage to make it to the gym on time for evening classes. Thank goodness i had combat after LBT, i had so much agression to let out, although i didn't manage to make it out of the studio before i started crying.

I also left K with a prescription for Carbamazepine, a low dose & only a 2 week supply. She asked me if i was likely to take the lot & right now i don't see the fucking point in anything, all my head is saying is "why not?"

I wouldn't show her my stomach which is probably the first time i've kept that back from her, but despite needing to stick myself back together with tape at least once a week at the moment, the damage there felt insignificant & i almost felt embarrassed to show her because it was so pathetic. Although i know if i hadn't taped the wounds back closed it would have been a different story & i also know that had i gone to see anyone about them to get treatment it would have been sutures. I;ve just gotten lazy & would rather it take a few more days to heal & stop bleeding completely than go through the effort of suturing right now. I just can't be bothered.

She asked me if i'd seen M & what her thoughts were & how she was. I questioned whether M had called her which i know she has done in the past when she has been concerned, but clearly M isn't that worried as K said she hadn't called. I said M was concerned that my weight was dropping. To which K said "Well you had got a bit chubby" i am now making sure that comment stays lodged in my head, afterall what else could be such great motivation to get me to move my arse at the gym & cut out any unnesseccary food? My BMI is now 20.5, so getting there but the chubby waist & stomach still need work. Why is it you lose weight from certain places first - for me its my chest/breasts and face, never the stomach, hips or thighs.

Starting college, getting this job on wednesday all seem pointless & like no hope. Mum & D go away friday for the weekend, in my head right now this would give me chance to do damage i want without being worried about being found out, i just worry i;m not in control enough not to go too far. I think this week is going to be a little risky, but nothing can go wrong before friday, otherwise mum won't get her weekend away.

I'm not seeing M until next tuesday - thats 7 days. I have 19 classes booked at the gym. Thats 19 hours to get rid of some of this weight, the stress of a meeting about benefits & also the job interview should shed some weight too hopefully.

Right now i want to cause damage, i need to cause damage. I want to give up, i;ve had enough.

But i still can't hurt mum or nan.

"Even if it is broken......

......there's nothing that can be done anyway, is there?"

That was my response to K this morning when she asked me if i wanted an x-ray of my hand. If i had made a better job of punching then perhaps & even though i am in pain, couldn't make a fist for her, flinched every time she touched the knuckle it still doesn't mean there is anything that can be done.

She said to strap it up & stick it in a sling, which isn't really possible when driving & certainly can't happen when i'm at home or at the gym - that will attract even more attention to it. Trying not to show that i can't really use it for the pain is hard enough, especially at the gym. Have had to cancel a class tonight. A, i feel exhausted & B can't make a fist to punch properly. Might have felt different if it was a certain instructor, but its not her so i'm not too bothered. Off to the gym for a class in a bit anyway, so i still get one in at least. Not that my heart rate monitor is working to tell me how hard i'm working, don't think it will be that much anyway the way i feel today.

Think a sleep might be needed this afternoon. Would rather sleep right now but need to get my lazy arse into gear & get changed. I know i need to take a couple of detours too on the way, so i really should move off the sofa.

But before i forget one last thing, K was talking about starting me on a mood stabiliser, to even out the low dips that happen every so often. Maybe its because things have been this way for so long, but there sadly feels like a little security in feeling like this. Sure it might be nice to feeling less depressed but whats the point of feeling less depressed if i have nothing to do - no job etc. Then i'd just be a less depressed exercise addict, yet functioning benefit cheat with no future prospects, rather than a depressed, exercise addict, self hating & harming, pathetic, state scrounging fraud of a person.

I think i'd better stop there & go to the gym.

Eating

Dietician in London wants me to eat 1600 a day, keeping it the same each day & eating the majority before evening -maximum of 600 for dinner/evening.

Eating earlier means i am just left hungry later on still. When i was restricting in the mornings more at least i knew what i could allow myself later on. But now - today especially - i have 300 calories left of that allowance and it not even 6pm.

There has been punches thrown but i really felt like doing a lot worse to myself. Trouble is i have almost finished an application to Uni (i know, what AM i thinking?!) but they way my harming is, i can't risk being found out. Harming for me is never superficial anymore, it hasn't been for years. But if something goes wrong...... I just can't risk a disaster - more for the Uni course - i can't risk occy health failing me. I really want take it out on my arms but that is just unacceptable.

But i can't cope with this.

It seems K doesn't really understand, which only leaves M. At least K agrees that going to the CPA and facing Dr L & TP would cause unnecessary distress. But she doesn't seem to understand the food thing. I mentioned that i couldn't live my life on 1000 calories a day - to which she replied some girls do. But K, are they girl who are also trying to train for a marathon?!

She just seemed to imply that this was just a normal girly thing - yes maybe - but surely its a bit different for someone who had a BMI of 12 less than 2 years ago?

I'm dreading the weigh in with M tomorrow, i'm sure after 7 days on 1600 (and a weekend over that because weekend are shit, oh & today which i have also spent in my PJs crying) that i will have gained, which means i dread to think what will happen after a month like this, not that i'm sure i will be able to keep it up.

I just wish i could find a job or rather be accepted for a job & life could be normal. The longer i'm in this hole the more i feel i'm being dragged backwards. And i'm losing the will to fight it again.

Dreaded DWP Medical

So the phone call came today, 6 months after i sent back their medical forms. I thought i'd escaped it, i thought it had been so long that it wasn't going to happen.

But no. In 2 weeks time i have the appointment i dread & fear, even more than seeing Dr L & TP who i refuse to see after last weeks appointment, was going to blog about it but i just can't even talk about it or think about it. Even trying to tell K 2 days later, i couldn't make words into a sentence to tell her what happen, although i had been distracted by something else i had seen on her computer screen about me. And the way i fell apart crying after i saw K means as much as i trust her and respect her, i can no longer see her either. Or in fact go down to the surgery at all, so that means no J, no susie - none of them ever again.

So anyway after i tried to hold it together for a bit and finished carving my little pumpkin, sitting using a knife when i really wanted to do something else with that knife, was all a bit too much. I went upstairs layed on my bed & sobbed for about half an hour. I think in the next 2 weeks there is going to be a lot of that.

I'm shit scared. What do i say? If i'm looking for full time work, then i'm fit to work, although everytime i react to an appointment like this, or even the thought of one in this case, i severly doubt whether this is a good idea. whether any of it is a good idea. I know i can't go on like this. Appointments are too distressing, so carrying on as though i'm fine is the only other option that sees my alive, and we all know where the other option sees me. Plus the hurt the other option will do to my family.

Oh shit, crying again. Can't afford to show mum how bad things are, because then she's really just going to say that getting a job is a bad idea, and i hardly seem to have her support as it is.

Am i fit to work full time? I've applied for jobs that are 30 & 35 hours a week.

The last time i had a DWP medical i was 2 stone lighter than this, so now not only am i applying for jobs to try and get away from this shitty benefits system, but i'm a fat cow too.

I need to stop thinking about this. I know on the day i'll fall apart under the pressure, but does that show i'm not fit to work? does that show i can't cope? What are they going to say to me?

Whats worse as usual is i will be all on my own, in a town i don't really know, an hour from home & then i will be driving down the motorway sobbing as usual, except this time it will take far longer for me to reach the safety of home than it normally would when i'm in that state, because i'm never more than 20 minutes from home.

Rejection

It hurts. Maybe my online buddy was right. Maybe i shouldn't have applied. Maybe applying for a job at my doctors is going to hurt more than any others.

K didn't seem to agree & maybe she's right. Afterall this is the first rejection - at least the first i've got to hear of. The first application before the one for my surgery, i still haven't heard from - that was about a month ago.

Even seeing K these days gets me in a emotional mess state. After a meeting with her i still leave crying, and there was nothing deep and meaningful discussed. Just my worries about uncertainties about the future and what it may hold, now that i'm trying to make changes again. Leg injuries/issues which are still not sorted. My attempt at volunteering and why i feel too scared/anxious to go back - even though nothing went wrong in the slightest (other than blisters) & the goings on the TP, Dr L and psychology.

She said that the practice manager had shown her my application.

"It was a good application. Just keep trying"

I'm guessing from that comment that i didn't get an interview etc.


I'm not sure i want to see K anymore. I don't really want to se anyone. Its probably because everytime i think/talk about whats really going on in my head, i just get more upset. It varies to different degrees of distress depending who the person is and how hard they delve inside my mind.

In general right now though i want to ignore all the shit & low mood & anxiety as much as i can. I can go to the gym & work my butt off, not have to talk to anyone & just ignore how much i hate myself, how much i screwed up in the past, how scared i am of history repeating itself.

Thats another thing K challenged me on. The corrolation between types of jobs & how long i've lasted. In a full time stressful job with a bitch of a boss (she was a bitch to everyone but those higher or equal to her), after 2 months i drove my car down a hill into a ditch, with a very lucky escape - that was 5 years ago last week. In a very quiet, lonely office with little stimulation after a few months i was sectioned after a very dangerous harming episode where actually if K hadn't responded to my terrified phone call, and got me an ambulance i doubt i would be here today. In fact a nurse at the hospital told me most people's bodies wouldn't have survived that.

As K put it though,

"Thats like saying the number of babies born in denmark increased, there for the number of storks increased"

The effect was not necessarily caused by the job satisfaction basically. And that i need to put those fears aside and let go of that association, because as K said there have been many incidents, sectionings and hospitalisations without a job being involved.

I just want to get a job, settle in, keep running/training & going to the gym. Keep up the volunteering, work permitting. And everything will be ok....................

Geting told off

Saturday morning, 8.30am, appointment with K.

It started well, and i confessed my sins (well most of them), discussing my gym addiction which she still doesn't seem to see as a totally bad thing and the ending of college which lead onto looking to the future and what it may hold.

Her view is that if i get offered more psychotherapy from TP then i should take it, but while i'm going through intensive psychotherapy, work is NOT an option. She praised me for taking the therapy on and got very angry when i tried to belittle it, as just someone else i was expected to talk to, which is how i feel everyone else sees it. But K has a completely different take and like i say she got quite angry, in fact i'm not sure i've seen her that cross before. Between us, i realised that she was the only one who saw how "very dangerous" psychotherapy potentially is to me. She really has set my head whirring today.

As i sat there the tears rolled down my face, a lot more than they have done in previous months.

She urged me to relook at the benefits i claim, because maybe i am entitled to more. Trouble is i don't feel entitled to what i get right now, and i'm not sure anyone else does either. I said to her that i can get in my car and go to the gym, so i should be able to go out and get a job too. But her stern & serious face said not.

So it all i got told off for:

• "rubbishing" everything i do/achieve
• rubbishing psychotherapy
• thinking i'm not entitled to things
• oh, and apologising when she said "now i should get on with the rest of my surgery"

But she ended on a positive, asking me to bring a couple of really photos back from my trip across the atlantic.

I feel kind of deflated being told those things, but the trouble is, i know that she probably knows me best out of all professionals and in fact anyone i know. I also know that she never says things lightly. She is a force to be reckoned with at that surgery & as much as the receptionists hate her sometimes for making their lives difficult, they also know she's bloody good at her job.

I know she wouldn't tell me to look into more benefits for no reason, she's not a soppy light touch and works extremely hard herself - sometimes i see her car parked outside the surgery from 8am until 8pm at night! She's hardly likely to encourage benefit scrounging now, is she??!!

Knee Deep

As i sat in a cafe today, after 2 hours of gym classes, i realised as i cried & drank my diet coke, just how deep i am back into the world of anorexia.

I keep telling myself i can't possibly be the A word, due to my size & weight (spare me the lectures i know the criteria for EDs) and that i am simply on a diet - like every other woman at the gym.

But sitting, crying because i can't order more than a diet coke, despite having giving output at the gym worth around 1000 calories (2 high impact classes on a friday morning, which i was complimented on during the 1st and 2nd for my "form" and effort) kind of says it all really. I couldn't even bring myself to ask what their special salad was - having discounted the goats cheese salad (too high calorie - even though i adore goats cheese) and the ham salad (haven't eaten meat since the ED started in 2006).

K says that it is better than ways i could be dealing with stuff right now. She almost praised me on the phone the other day for holding it together. But is dropping a fair amount of weight in a couple of weeks holding it together? From a BMI of 24.2, to 22.2?

Maybe it is better than crashing my car, ending up with a Hb of 4.3 or an OD resulting in seizures. It doesn't seem to get across whats going on in my head. But i'm too scared of hurting the little family i have, which is why i have to stay in control enough that i know what i'm doing, which means coping in my own way. I'm still a long way off underweight, so i just cope my body can continue, after all it has enough body fat to keep it going!

Worth the wait

Appointment with K was at 6.12pm, i knew i'd never see her at that time, but i still got there 20 minutes early because i just needed to leave the house. I couldn't worry about the appointment with mum around me.

half a dozen people in the waiting room, but my favourite receptionist behind the desk. The people gradually disappeared, leaving me alone in a more than familiar room. I've lost track of the number of times i've sat there alone, waiting, last appointment on the list, crying, praying J, Susie or the receptionsts would stop and talk to me. maybe comfort me...

Today, once alone, i got up to talk to E - just like old times. But there was still the desk separating us. I also wanted to check how she was, and that she is still in remission from the nasty breast cancer. She said she was tired, but ok. She returned the question. I wasn't going to lie to her, how can you lie through tears anyway?

Normal appointment with K, nothing she can really do, but give me the security of knowing she's there for me. I foolishly suggested i might see if there was an appointment with J or Susie next tuesday, to try and save myself from a repeat of last tuesday - trouble is i'm not sure if i want to. They weren't available though, however K is.....Maybe if K sees what i feel like after seeing Terry Pratchett then she'll understand, and that doesn't mean i have to cause injury to express that.

After finally seeing K at 6.30pm (thats not a long wait for her! i have known her running an hour late), Half an hour with her; tears - parting comments from her about me "deserving a life" which resulted in more tears and trying to stop myself from getting angry, partly at myself, because i don't agree - not after all my screw ups & failures, and a couple more appointments. I was the last patient left in the building, with 3 reception staff waiting to let me go out & go home. Waiting for me.

The youngest had the keys & was about to let me out, when E, my favourite, took them and came out from behind the desk instead.

"As much as i love to see you, i hate seeing you like this & i don't want to see you too often"

Her care and compassion simply increased my tears. Her response was to put and arm round me, holding me closer to her.

"Aww, Don't cry babes"

I wish it could have been a longer hug. Without her worrying about professionalism, without me worrying someone would see & tell her off. It is a hug i've longed for & dreamed out for so long. It wasn't much, but something is better than nothing. She didn't have to take the keys to let me out, she chose to because she knows me better. She's known me over 10 years - she's one of the original gang. And she still cares. And i still dream.

reasons not to see a psychologist

i have 6 (or is it 7?) of them right now. put there by a doctor, with the help of a nurse - and actually my help too because the light was broken to i held it up & stopped it hitting them on the head. I would have fixed things myself & went asking for them to simply give me the things i needed to fix myself, but they wouldn't let me & simply took the 20 mins out of their appointments to do it for me.

I could have sworn Susie (yes we're both called susie) had a tear in her eye as i left. I was crying as she was saying how she wish i could just meet a nice young man and live happily ever after. She said she felt of when she realised she'd been picking up my pieces over the last 10 years.

I was more upset that i didn't want things to go back to how they were 10 years ago, when i was needing their help every week. But i've agree to go back and see Susie in 10 days & she made me appointment with K for friday - its time to stop kidding myself. Maybe the appointment today wasn't such a bad thing - maybe it was time for me to let go and show how much i'm holding inside.

However mum does think i actually found it ok today - little does she know! because i am seeming quite cheerful. I think i may be overacting a little too much.

Susie & the doc did say i should give my 4 hours at the gym a rest tomorrow - but my 6/7 reasons survived a jog tonight so as long as i'm careful - plus once i've done some shopping tonight online i can always replace them if there are any problems.

Sorry if its cryptic but i can't even type things honestly - i don't want to admit it - plus i still feel i can't type the truth with mum & D in the room, even though they are eating dinner & paying no attention to me, and haven't a clue what i'm typing!

College

Since October i've been going most thursdays (except half term, xmas, another half term & now easter, plus 2 sickness days) - to college.

We got the exam form before easter. The student support lady suggested doing it in a separate room or have extra time, but she said i needed something official, so i went to see J today. I just got the feeling from J that she didn't think i needed it. I just got the same old "you're bright", "It's normal to panic and have a mind blank etc"

Why can't people get it into their heads - I'm not that clever!!! My mind no longers retains the information it needs to - especially not that to pass an exam, not even one that has a pass mark of 50%.

I've had no motivation to do any revision at all. I copied a little out of a book from the library and i reorganised my folder but no matter how many time i read over the stuff, nothing sinks in.

M said she wouldn't think any less of me if i chose not to take the exam, when i talked to her about it last week. Or even if i did but then didn't pass.

I got 9 out of 20 in a test before easter, and that was a test that i DID revise for and thought i minght have a shot at. Doesn't look good, does it?

My fear if that the stress will push me over the edge. The stress of starting the course (and other things) left me doing things i don't remember at the end of october. I don't want that to happen again - for mum rather than anyone else.

I don't know what to do. But whatever i chose i will have failed in some way. Either:

1. take the exam at a cost of £70 and most likely fail (not putting myself down, just being realistic). I will not have anyone else pay for my failures either - so it will be my money i waste. (just like it will be my money if i never wear that damn dress!)
2. don't even attempt the exam and let people down because i have failed to even try and do it. which will probably leave me just as stressed and depressed.

There is one good thing i've discovered about restricting - when you then get very stressed and want to comfort eat - you can have that one piece of cake because due to earlier restricting i can still stay within the daily calorie allowance!

Tomorrow i shall have breakfast, head to the gym, spend a couple of hours there and then travel to meet a friend in london. Our plan is to meet for a frozen yogurt (and if she reads this blog i have just totally given my identity away to her!), but there is another shop nearby called Candy cakes which sell large cupcakes, topped with thick(ish) solid icing and often sweets too. I think its the bright colours that really make them appealing, but i really want one - so that may be lunch i think (along with the frozen yogurt!). We'll see if i have the guts to buy one tomorrow. The stress mum is causing me tonight i should think i probably will!!

Have just remembered i put my washing in the machine 4 hours ago - i think it might be done by now..........

"Brrring Brrring, Brrring Brrring"

The telephone just rang. I answered to hear K's voice.

"Hello, it's K here. Can i speak to D please?"

At first i was relieved, because it wasn't me she was after/hunting down & it meant i didn't have to try and have a tricky conversation whilst mum & D were in earshot. I didn't have to explain why i haven't been to see her, & make up some excuse as to how i am feeling right now.

But now the phone has been put down and D has finished his simple "Yes, i'll get Hospital A to send you a copy that" conversation, i feel vulnerable. K is, once again, at the forefront of my mind. Memories of her care & concern are flooding in.

I'm trying to tell myself its best i keep away. Nothings disastrously bad right now, so i'm not going to bother her and waste her time.

Or maybe i should just focus on something else and try to forget how much i trust her.

Destiny

Seems i'm destined to be F-A-T!!

Even after uping my protein in take, there has been no difference in either the scales or the sensible method which is my nice Laura Ashley trousers than i want to fit back into.

The dietician came up with no suggestions and simply advised not cutting back any further.

The blood tests were all fine. J suggested i just need to adjust to things but how can i when i've never been this big in my life. She tried to ease my distress by reminding me that it's normal to gain weight at my age, having recently finished growing etc but that didn't stop the tears falling and when she took my hand, it just seemed to hurt all the more.

I've working as hard as i can at the gym - despite a chesty cough a & a sprained ankle over the last few days, although pain killers masked that - but its taking triple doses of caffeine tablets to get me there (it genuinely slipped my mine about that when talking to J tonight). I did 2 classes and 30 minutes in the gym today & i struggled with that. I was going to give it a rest tomorrow but given that there is no physical cause for anything, then it seems i have no choice but to try and work through the ankle pain (i found the recumbant bike was ok for that, less pressure on the ankle) at the gym after college tomorrow.

I'm eating 75% of the recommened calorie intake for women, so why isn't anything changing at all.

When i suggested it was my body punishing me for starving myself for those 3 years, J didn't think it was anything to do with my past.

Mum's just come home, and failing to hid my tears I've just told her what happened with J (minus the bit when she took my hand), and just like J, mum has no suggestions.

No-one does.

According to calculators online (yes, i know i probably shouldn't wind myself up like that...) just with my calorie deficit each day, i should be losing about a lb a week.

I'm shattered, bunged up, have a sort throat and my ankle feels like its going to drop off. what i'd really like right now is a ready meal for dinner because i so can't be arsed - plus i don't want to stand in the kitchen on one leg and cook.

But instead i'm going to look up something to do with an aubergine (not that anything tastes like it should right now) and contemplate skipping college tomorrow and spending all day at the gym. Although if i screw up this course it will just be another failure to add to the list.

I just want to say one final thing - something thats no about me and totally self centered and self pittying! To all my bloggy friends who i know are struggling right now (i can think of 4 off the top of my head, but if i name them i know there will be others i've forgotten!) take care (hypocrit i know) and sending you all virtual hugs.

Keeping away from emotional hurt

Now i remember why I've been avoiding the doctors surgery. A simple appointment to get some more cream results in me leaving more distressed than when i went in.


Seeing J was possibly the shortest appointment I've ever had with her. I was still rather dopey from the sleeping tablets that i blocked the morning out with, which unsurprisingly she noticed, and i guessed that kept any emotion away too. I sat there for a moment after she handed me the prescription, praying that i could let out the desperation held inside. Nothing came though until as i was waiting for them to dispense the cream, when i started to feel anxious, wishing they would hurry up so i could get home and breakdown.


Little did i know that there would be more cause for tears. I had my back to her when she called my name to hand me the cream, but even then i recognised the voice which made me turn around to face her faster, almost in disbelief. I was to hug her, cling on and cry. The emotions where certainly there now, however now i was out of the privacy of a consulting room and back out in the public eye.


E had been away due to breast cancer, which i knew but to see her now with sparkling silver hair rather than the rich mahogony that i was used to seeing her with, made it more real. It was always clear that her hair was dyed, as with lots of women but i guess it has regrown back more naturally. It melted my heart to see her and for her to tell me that she was given the all clear at yesterday's mamogram. She is one of the receptionists who has known me since i first started going there regulary about a decade ago. It just hurts to know that her caring, soft, kind voice will always be separated from me by the desk in that reception.

Depression or Personality Disorder?

I've never really been told/given a diagnosis. The closest i came was when i asked Dr L as to what i should put on a form when i had to reapply for my driving licence after the 'accident' - She told me to say "recurrent depressive disorder" but that was 3 years ago. I know things have changed as i've matured.

I no longer get attached & latch on to the most inappropriate relationships such as tutors, receptionists & nurses etc. I may struggle mentally but i think before i act and don't do silly things like hand deliver letters to their houses....... (i was about 15 at that time!). I no longer OD or harm just because i'm distressed and then go and get someone to patch me up, unless i've totally lost control or i don't have the specialist equipment needed to treat myself (or it may need surgery, as with the burn - which may finally be healed over by the end of january). I'm no longer the manipulative naive desperate teenager but i still feel very confused about myself & life.

I'm not sure having a diagnosis would solve things (i'm sure it wouldn't) and i'm not even sure it would help in the slightest but it does feel like yet another thing playing on my mind. Perhaps i've been reading too many other mental health blogs, but i feel i'm becoming slightly obsessed that i will be labelled with BPD or some other no descript. Maybe i think that it would mean that the depression i feel so strongly would be overlooked. K always puts 'severe depression' in the diagnosis box on her computer (plus previously anorexia) and although personally i would pay more attention & trust wwhat she says, i know that a GP's opinion is not sufficient for some.

I find myself doing those (possibly pointless) online tests and quizzes for personality disorders. This mornings results are as follows for a personality disorder quiz:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	High
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Do i pay any attention? or do i try a depression test instead?

I suppose what i want to know is, is it simply depression? depression that is worth trying to treat or where treatment is futile & ongoing for the rest on my life? Or is it a personality disorder where i was simply born screwed up & am destined to be forever?

The major, more important point thought - Would a diagnosis/label be of any help/use?

Nightly Thoughts

This one was more in my control - well at least a little bit of it!

To cut another long dream short - Dr L and M came round to my house for some kind of meeting, there were lots numbers, percentages all regarding weight loss and me being overweight. In general a very depressing meeting. Until they left, i went up to my room to watch them leave - and saw Dr L leaning up against the car over M and then she kissed her. I thought i had been mistaken in what i had seen, but the she kissed her again. They were between the car and the hedge on our driveway, so obviously thought they couldn't be seen.

When they spotted me at the window, it was clear they hadn't meant anyone too see, as the came rushing to the front door. Dr L started ringing the doorbell continuously, I didn't want to see them, plus now i had power over them - If they tried to hassle me, i had something over them, something that they clearly didn't want anyone else to know. So i unplugged the doorbell, and went back inside!!



That was the end of the happier part to the dream, the rest was hospital/school/friends all mixed into one thing where as usual, i didn't know what was going on because i wasn't really with it mentally. Then the dream drifted into more bizzare realms, like Harry Potter style dementors that kept flying around killing/evaporating people. I think i'll try and hang on to the powerful part of the dream, to remind me, as K says - no-one can push me around/force me into things i don't want to do.

Fighting back the tears

My attachment issues regarding K are ridiculous. She left a message on my home answerphone, saying she had booked me an appointment for the 5th of January - probably the same time as the one i cancelled! Who knows. I didn't take note of the time, i headed straight out of the door armed with the book i borrowed, and popped down the icy/snowy road to the surgery, just in time for her to be finishing her surgery - and for once she had finished on time!

I had thought about writing a letter and dropping it off with the book, but sitting in my roon, fighting back the tears with mum and D downstairs, i decided to sort out the problem there and then.

Anyway the receptionist called down to her and i went straight down to her room. The tears were rolling. But she took the book and listened to my reasons as to why i wanted to cancel. I simply feel like i am being chased at the moment, and the more they call, the further away i want to be. It turned out that she didn't realise i had cancelled the appointment, she thought i had slipped out on monday without one being made.

A big part of me wanted her to ask me to reconsider and turn up. To ask me to think again - like M and Dr L have done (both of whom i have had calls today also) - but she simply went on to remind me that now i am an adult unless i am a danger to others they are unlikely to "sit on me" as she put it. As for being a danger to myself, she said it was up to me whether i hurt myself or not. As i left i made sure she knew i wasn't being rude or ungrateful, her reply,

"Believe it or not, I understand."

I do believe her, i trust her more than anyone. She's about the only person i trust with my life.

I think alot of the reason for me wanting to keep away from her, is down to the fact right now i feel so vulnerable i want to cling on - just like in the dream. I think i need that time away, to separate myself and distance myself. At least i can recognise this attachment issue these days, that than overstep the mark and hand deliver a letter to her house - as i did with a receptionist i got very close to, aged 16 ish.

I know i've made the right decision, but i still want to sob my heart out.

My mind tonight has gone back to the thought that i really don't care, my plans of restocking are somewhat thwarted by christmas posting issues. Also there's the problem with recieving the post too with mum & D being off work over christmas and then again on friday 1st. I guess though that there will be no deliveries on the days they are off work..... only christmas eve, when D is off during the morning......

Oh dear plotting and planning. I honestly don't want to end up on S ward (not that you'd believe it), but something inside me says it will all be controlled and i can harm safely - slight contradiction of terms i know - am i that far out of control. Have i really lost that much sense?

I'm not sure where i am these days. I just want to make it through christmas safely, for mum, nan, grandpa & D. After that? I'm not sure. I've heard via M and K that Dr L is planning on refering me to the teams psychologist - another person to start again with, go over my 23 years of life, depression, harm and disasters - only 23 years but a hell of a lot packed in to them. I really don't want to spend weeks going over every med, Dr, nurse, hospital, section etc etc. Whats the point? I've been there before.

I'm so tempted to let K into the world of Susie Belle, I trust her so much i want to share the truth with her - the whole truth. Maybe one day.

(P.S the balloon i sent was starting to go down..... i started a conversation with the receptionists (2 who are newer but i am beginning to get to know and become fond of) about it and the said the children love it & want to take it home. Its done well in a busy place for 5 days, and when i mentioned they plump up & expand when warmer they said they might give it to someone on Christmas Eve to take home. I want to send more! but i think i should perhaps at least wait a month or too. Valentines Day? or Easter? It makes people happy and as became clear tonight, no-one knows i am the secret balloon sender!)

Dreams or nightmare (yet again)

I still in last nights bullet point mood, plus its easier when you can't remember every single detail.

• First being on some kind of school trip, which all seemed to fall apart, starting on the coach journey there, where som little girl was sick.
• Then the trip at this museum/science centre/botany place started to go wrong, when the larger groups we were in seemed to split up and go their separate ways. As usual i seemed to end up on my own.
• Somehow i then ended up in a residential/hospital unit, more like the NHS Adolescent unit i was on. When i seemed to end up emotionally drained and exhausted. It was a sunny evening so we were sitting outside and allowed to stay out, sitting in the evening warmth.
• One of the nurses was going off shift (a lady i remember from that adolescent unit) and as she was leaving a woman went past outside riding a horse that she was about to lose control of, which started up a conversation between the nurse and i myself regarding her horses.
• I ended up going with her to the yard and seeing how tidy she had kept her barn.

Perhaps i woke briefly because then the dream switched to the location of home, which is where the most upsetting part came.

• There was a section of the front lawn that had sunk and flooded, so mum had called someone to come and check it out.
• Next thing i know K had turned up, it seemed a side line job as well as a GP was her knowledge of drains.
• She told mum that the lawn needed to be dug up.
• I was standing near to her, and she put her arm around me and gave me a hug.
• I burrowed my face into her, and felt so comforted by her and didn't want to let go. It was a situation i'm dreamed about for so long, and i almost couldn't believe it was happening.
• She stood with her arm around me for a while, talking to mum about the flooded lawn/burst pipe. She then sighed "Oh Jenny......" - as it to say 'just something else to go wrong for you'
• I turned to look at mum and realised it was just how things always used to be - me going to and getting hugs from everyone but her.
• It was another reminder that i can't have those hugs from the people i want.

fortunately then i was woken up by mum coming into my room to tell me she was going to work.

and now i need to get my arse to the gym for my morning session!

2 down, 2 to go.

The worst 2 appointments are out the way, although K wasn't supposed to be one to worry about, but sadly turned out more stressful afterwards.




Dr L has changed - in appearance at least. I think i prefer the old look personally, as i'm not sure the red tights, loose grey mini skirt, heels, red jacket and redish highlights in the blonde hair, which is now a bob really work. Maybe she thought she looked to stern and serious as she was before, however i feel the old look felt more professional to me.



I answered politely and honestly, if a bit quitely with nods and shakes of the head instead of words at times. She was rather flabbergasted that she hadn't been told about the OD and psych assessment (given the high risk circumstances), or even heard anything about it. So of course i kept the honesty thing going and duely dropped the crisis team member well and truely in it, naming them quite freely, and i have no guilty feelings about that at all. Although i didn't want to end up on S ward (even if Dr L says it has changed a lot), i was quite expecting them to at least try and admit me that evening rather than a quick 5 minute chat. Oh well, i'll leave that one to her now.


I asked mum to leave at one point when the tears started to roll, and the openly told her how i felt about being alive. It still is the same as my post secret card that i sent off.




I couldn't be open infront of mum about a typical days eat when asked, so skirted around that question with an answer along the lines of "It varies each day". Well thats truthful! when i'm around mum i eat more (WW bagel for breakfast today), when i'm on my own i eat nothing - at all!

Medication was mentioned, but i couldn't recall the reasons for stopping the Lofepramine which seemed to help my mood the most. I knew i had blogged it here, however looking back it's not as clearly written as i thought. It seems it was due to lethargy (although Dr L seemed almost suprised that the lofepramine had caused that) and then the clomipramine simple made the side effect or tiredness worse. Maybe i should check my paper diary too.

The outcome? Dr L wants to go away and talk to a few people (K - who she's seeing this afternoon for something else/different, probably drug/alcohol services related. I hope she doesn't let on that i told Dr L i didn't have another appointment booked with her.....given that it was K her self who made the appointment that i cancelled!! She also want to speak to M and the team's part-time psychotherapist) and she made another appointment with herself for the 29th January, which i really don't want to go do. I'm praying mum will forget, although she was in the room at the time, and the appointment was made around when would be better for her, regarding time off work. I have the bit of paper stashed in my bag, so fingers crossed she'll forget about it until its too late. Somehow i think thats unlikely though. Dr L didn't suggest the appointment could be held elsewhere, either at my home (no way!) or at the doctors surgery, although she said she'd have to check but as i used to see a CPN there when i had no transport i'm sure the practice manager would be ok about that. That option does feel better as it is certainly a place i feel a lot safer, but the idea seemed to get lost as the conversation when on, and then became disrupted by the gardener blowing the leaves around with a noisy machine.

I just want it all to go away. I don't want to see anyone, i wish i could move out of home but financially i don't think that is in anyway possible - unless anyone knows of any free lodgings in my area. Although i don't want to see K, the fear of moving out of the area of the surgery feels very unsettling and a little too scary.

I'm never going to leave here or this place mentally or physically am i?

K the Catalyst

I haven't had such a bad time after seeing a GP since i crashed the car after seeing Dr PJ in 2005. In fact it was almost de ja vu, because i saw her in exactly the same place and drove the same route home. Coming down that hill tonight - well i did break in time eventually and also there were more/too many other cars around to crash myself without endangering others.

I stopped off at the other surgery on the way, cancelling the appointment K made for me in 3 weeks time with her. I barely spoke to the receptionist, she called me forwards by name, i handed her the bit of paper K had written on earlier and simply asked, through my tears, her to cancel it. I was glad to see my balloon had arrived safely, it looked magnificent, as did the one at the sister surgery, where i saw K today. The anonymous balloon sender strikes again!!

I made it home in one piece but still sobbing, battling my way through urges to devour the packet of nytol in my drawer, book a room at the travelodge (not sure i should spend another £45 after spending £365 on a gym membership today!) or drive 30 minutes to the samaritans drop in office.

Best thing to do - put on a coat, grab the ipod and leave the house. Even if it is drizzling with rain and absolutely freezing cold. But a bench next to the church was the solitude i needed.
Mum asked me what happened and why i was upset. As i told her yet again, i do not know exactly what it was that upset me.


My first confession was that it wasn't until i wrote things down or tried to go to sleep at night that i realised how much i was keeping inside and holding back. She told me that things weren't ok and that with mum to protect i had become rather good at hiding the truth.

K asked me directly if the sharps and chemicals had stayed away, and in fact started laughing when my gaze moved swiftly in the other direction. I think she gathered there and then what the answer was going to be. However it was then that the uncontrollable tears started. She asked me why, i tried to explain that i felt the damage that had been done was so minimal and insignificant and just wasn't enough. She went on to say that i wasn't the only person to feel this way, that she had seen other people with similar problems and that infact she had another patient at the surgery now with similar issues.

I'm not sure how that made me feel. Jealous? I'm not sure. did i want to be the only one like this? Part of me wanted to ask how this other person was, and ask whether they had any resolutions to their problems, almost as if to make a point and prove that nothing can me done to help me or make this shit go away.

I told her about the gym which she said she was pleased about but wanted me not to look at the possible negatives like wasting the money by not going, or going far too much. What i managed to keep from her was the fact that i haven't actually eaten anything yet today. Diet cokes and sugar free apple quash - and i haven't felt even slightly faint - shows how much extra weight there is to lose i guess.

She wants me to spend some of my time with Dr L alone rather than with mum in there having her say tomorrow. I admitted that if mum was there i wouldn't have to say things and admit them. I can hide behind mum - like a 5 year old, as K added. She also wants me to ask to see someone else if i'm not happy seeing Dr L. why? what is someone else going to be able to do? They're not going to do anything different to Dr L.

It feels like my heart is breaking slightly by not seeing her. I feel like i'm betraying her by not going to see her when she has asked me to and squeezed me in but i can't go through feeling so suicidal after an appointment with someone i trust. If i don't feel ok after seeing her, then i would really rather not see her at all. She wants me to drop off the blade to either her or J at the end of the week, but i just can't do that.

She took my hand before i left, as normal but held onto it for longer than normal "try and have a reasonable christmas" she said.


I left wondering whether i was going to make it to see Christmas.

Spoken Word

I did a voice recording after i got home from seeing K, as there was so much going round in my head and it was moving too fast for my fingers to keep up with to type it. I thought about how i was going to record it and although i could have pointed the camera away (or probably turned it off, had i been in the mood to figure it out, and still had the right type of file to upload). I'll figure out a way to sort it.

I decided it was unlikely anyone would recognise my voice should they listen to it - as i hardly speak to that many people. Only mum would probably recognise it and if she's discovered Seeking Sanity then i think she would have realised it was me already simply due to the content of the blog!

In short though, i still feel like i want to cry and i'm hoping the meds i got off K tonight will cut short the length of time spent crying myself to sleep, and maybe reduce the dreams' vividness. Trouble is to take away emotional pain and distress i would normally turn to physical pain, to create a physical focus. But i have nothing in my room to cause such damage, and although there are still disposable razors in the wheely bin, that is where they are going to stay. If i have to cry until i have no tears left (is that actually possible?) then so be it, but if i want a career to be proud of then, there can be no more harm. It's been 3 days without even so much as a pin prick, by the next time i see K it should be 17 days, so lets hope i can tell her that it has exactly that.